boyfriend afraid of marriage?

Question

My boyfriend and I have a 7 month old and we have been together for about 1 1/2 years. He refuses to ever get married because he believes "people get married just to turn around and divorce", I believe different and want my daughter to not think its ok to have kids and never get married. This might ruin our relationship all together, and we have everything perfect. I just would like to be married I dont want to be "single all my life," especially with my daughter. Am i being greedy and selfish, is it worth breaking up our "family" ?

Answer 1

You are being selfish. Marriage is overrated...why ruin the good thing that you have going for you???

Answer 2

If you, yourself, are putting "family" in quotes, there isn't much to break up, is it. Your b/f will never marry you, you need to accept it - he's being honest about it, give him some credit. Yes, you're being selfish, it was your choice to have the child right away, regardless of whether or not you were married at the time, or even whether or not he was going to marry you in the future. He has his reasons for not wanting to get married; you have your reasons for wanting to marry; you're both right - unfortunately, his reasons will always trump yours, since you cannot *make* him marry you. It is your call; on the one hand, you have a child to think about, and staying with your b/f will benefit the child whether or not you two are married. On the other, if your feelings about being married are THIS strong, and you feel you can never accept the fact that your b/f's not going to marry you - it will only cause resentment and arguments, and will probably drive him away eventually anyhow; perhaps, it would make sense to cut the ties now, and look for a man who WANTS to marry you - the longer you wait, the more traumatic it's going to be for the child, and the less chance you will have of finding a new guy (i.e., you're not getting any younger). Weigh the pros and the cons, and decide what your priorities are. One thing that is guaranteed NOT to happen is for him to change his mind, and for the two of you to live happily ever after. You will have to either play by his rules and try and be happy with it - or leave and make your own rules. Good luck.

Answer 3

It's a shame that your baby was an afterthought. I think you should cut your losses and move on. He's already told you that he doesn't want to get married. If having a child has not changed his mind about commitment, you certainly won't be able to change it either. You are not breaking up a family. There is no commitment. Just keep a friendly and open relationship with him as your child's father, and move on. Put your energies into being a great mom to your child, improve your self confidence and get comfortable with you. It would be better to have a mutual parting of ways, working out how you will continue to co-parent, than for you to stay in the relationship and become bitter over your loss of dreams, or worse, to force him into marriage, then go through a nasty divorce. Your child is your first priority. You're being selfish to be worried about being single all your life. It's not just about you anymore.

Answer 4

Dealing with a boyfriend afraid of marriage has to be done in a very specific way. Pushing him may feel like the logical thing to do but it won’t get you what you want. If a man feels hesitant about anything and then he feels pressure to comply with it, he’ll fight back. He’ll push back harder and inevitably you’ll feel even more rejected. He may tell you that he’ll never be ready to marry or worse yet, he’ll say that he’s not sure you’re the woman for him. Starting right now, stop pushing him. Don’t bring up the subject of commitment again. This will not only take the pressure off of him, but it will also make him question what’s going on with you. Whenever a woman suddenly changes her mind about something, her man notices right away. This is exactly what you want to have happen if your boyfriend won’t get serious about you. Once he realizes that you no longer bring up the idea of marriage, he’ll start to question why that is. If you don’t make a big deal about that’s even better. Don’t go into a long winded speech about how you’ve realized that you’re not sure you want a commitment. Instead, let your actions speak for you. Start focusing more on yourself as an individual as opposed to the two of you as a couple. Make your own plans and don’t always be available for him. Once he feels the distance you’re creating, thoughts of losing you will begin to creep into his mind. When that happens it’s typically not long before he suddenly isn’t afraid of commitment anymore. Good Luck

Answer 5

Honestly I think it is a little pushy for you to ask him to marry you and he is not ready. I know that you have a child together and that makes the idea of being married all the more pressing. Let him know how important it is to you and the family you wish to start but if he does not want to get married that is something that you would have to accept or evaluate and move on if necessary. Personally, I think it is worse to raise a child whose parents are not together at all than raise a child whose parents are not married. You can teach a child the importance of marriage more effectively with parents that are at least in a committed relationship than parents that are apart. I think that you should stay with the man and just let him know how important marriage is to you. If everything is perfect he will do what it takes to keep you eventually even marry you however marriage is a huge step that you have to let him make when he is ready.

Answer 6

Focus on the fact that you are part of a loving family - you have a partner and the two of you have a child together. If you think your boyfriend is not prepared to make a life commitment to you and your daughter, that's another story. As long as you don't recognise that you have a real family your daughter will feel ashamed because of what judgements and emotions you are transferring to her . There is nothing to be ashamed of. Many marriages do end in divorce - and that is something you don't want your child to experience.

Answer 7

Oh nope that doesn't sound selfish not everyone needs to get married you sure didn't wait to have kids till you were married.... don't worry about it give him more time Quit being I want I need or you won't get **** from him.... so you need to just hang in there you haven't been together that long to be upset..... give him a break!!!! and just Hang in there... he's not going any where!!!

Answer 8

I guess you picked the wrong guy then. Too bad you didn't discuss marriage and family before getting pregnant if you wanted your daughter to have family values. You were, as you say, greedy and selfish when you decided to go ahead and have a baby first. Now you're trying to back-peddle. Good luck.

Answer 9

If you want a marraige that wont end in divorce then both parties need to be happy with it, you cant force him to do it or he will just resent you for it in the long run. Its not worth breaking up an otherwise happy home because of it, what will that tell her? at least she is growing up in a house with love. Also you havent really been together all that long, it took my husband 6 years to propose to me!

Answer 10

He has reason to be scared .Check the statistics on marriage .He is right ! 50% of marriages end in divorce in the first ten years .Then as time goes on the percentages move up too .

Answer 11

I don't get it... if so many people don't believe that marriage is a commitment then why are so many people afraid of it. If it really wasn't a "big deal" then why is you boyfriend so unwilling???

My personal belief that marriage is a commitment and more than "just a piece of paper." What are the reasons YOU want to get married though. A lot of people get married to fulfill THEIR own needs, but you should get married when you are ready to fulfill the needs of your SPOUSE. Real love is wanting to give to and make someone else happy.

I love this new book I got and I want to quote a couple sentances:
" It is difficult to find a male who VALUES virginity, purity, and innocence when females dress like babes and perform oral sex and intercourse without even having to be fed dinner...Who cares about vows- after all, why buy the cow when the milk is free?...Chivalry is largely dead, and feminism is the murderer."

Why doesn't this boyfriend want to marry you? and if so why would you WANT to marry him?? "...instead of marriage we have shacking up- where two become...two. Instead of marital procreation and MEANINGFUL intamacy, we have "hooking up," where sex is for recreation; instead of mothers raising their children we have institutionalized day care; and instead of intact families we have women who are unwed mothers by choice or irresponsibility, intentionally denying a father's love and guidance to children, and way too casual multiple divorces and remarriages, with minor children cruising between home and parental affairs- with no actual homes of their own."

"Issues of love, commitment, security, SELF-RESPECT, values, vows, obligations, and responsibilities have become ethereal vapors rather than the promises of a good life."

Listen, I'm sorry it's obvious you didn't have good role models in your life... You don't have a "family." You have an immature guy that donated his sperm and you irresponsibly brought an innocent life into this chaotic world you created that has no stability. You need to start making better choices or you will not only ruin your life, but the life of your sweet baby too. It's not ok to have kids prior to marriage, but now that it's done you need to think outside of what you want and think about what's best for your baby. If you marry this guy will it last forever? Usually, if one person preasures another into marriage it will ultimately fail.

I want to tell you a story about my life. I met this great guy when I was 21. We started "shacking up" 6 months after we started dating. 1 year later I got pregnant. I was so so so so scared. I didn't know what to do and how my boyfriend would react. We talked about marriage, but not seriously. When I told him, he told me that he wanted our baby to have a stable foundation for her life and that starts with her parents. He said he didn't want to bring her into this world before we get married. He told me that he wanted to ask me to marry him and had been waiting for the right time. Before he asked me, he picked up the phone and called my parents. We told them the "news" and then he asked their permission to marry me. They said yes and we got married 4 months later. The reason I married this MAN was firstly because I love him, and also because of the way he reacted to this situation. He acted the way a MAN reacts- he took responsibility and showed integrity to make the best of this situation.

I hope that these words help you. I'm so sorry you are in this situation- I felt those feelings, even though it wasn't for long, and it was torture. I'm glad that your gut is telling you something is wrong. It is in your inate human womanly nature to want a man to provide for you and your family and to be able to have a sturdy foundation for your children. Listen to it. You should consider not having sex with your boyfriend anymore and see what happens. Tell him that you don't want to unless you get married. Usually that "weeds out" the boys from the men. It is a very reasonable request. He isn't your husband and you DO NOT owe sex to him whatsoever.

Good luck: :)