Am I being unfair or unrealistic?

Question

My husband wanted to take a nursing job in California. He did 10 months ago. (We live in La.) I did not have my heart 100% behind this decision. But, I finally agreed. Now, he's in school in California also for his RN. He tells me when he graduates (1 1/2 years) that he still wants to work in California. He doesn't come home now but every 3 months in between semesters. MY POINT IS: He has made these life decisions, which will result in what he's wanted for the past few years. I SAID TO HIM, that once he graduates. He has to move back home and a 7/7 schedule is not acceptable to me. He wants to work in California and fly back every other week. I am not in agreement w/this plan. HERE WAS HIS REPSONSE TO ME: You say that my days are over of 7-n-7, and you will say where we live. I don't live in absolutes. I'm not answering that question.



????

Let me say, we have talked about my moving there and it is not an affordable option. He currently lives with 3 guys up there and they share expenses.

My husband had a decent nursing job when he left.The appeal was that the other 3 guys that worked there were all moving up to California to room together. He is not gay. 2 of the other guys are married also.

He says he wants to be married. But, he is happy w/this arrangement. My dad helps with the lawn, house and car maintanence..etc. Things he should be doing.

Thanks, Kate..you seem to be one of the few seeing this situation for how it really is.

Answer 1

yes i guess he is happy with the arrangement because he can have his cake and eat it too. He is a married man and he needs to start acting like one or the marriage will be done with . You need to tell him he needs to get his priorities straight or you will go to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce and see how much money he has left for school then . Why are you putting up with this ? He has put what he wants first not even considering your family or his responsibilities . Tell him to get with the program or you are threw with him and will seek a divorce .dont ever let a man treat you like a door mat . good luck hon.

Answer 2

It's not unfair for you to find this situation unacceptable, but you may not be trying to resolve it in a realistic way. A long-distance marriage is no way to live on a permanent basis. Living with your buddies, being in school, and seeing your wife 4x per year is also no way to have a marriage. You two are going to have to make some hard decisions and compromise. You have to either move there and live with your husband (even if you have to lower your standard of living in order to afford it), or he is going to have to agree to move back and work as an RN/nurse in Louisiana. End of story. You can be a RN/nurse ANYWHERE--there is a real shortage. If he wants to live in California, then you two can move to California. Or--get a divorce. Maybe he does not want to be married.

Answer 3

Personally, I think you should support him. I think that you should allow him to finish his school FIRST and then talk about what the arrangements will be later. I think both of you are trying to make concrete decisions at a time when you shouldn't. He still has a year and a half to go and THEN, you should see what he wants to do. By then, who knows, you may be able to afford to move out and be with him. I think the fact that he wants to travel home every other weekend and be with you is great. At least he isn't staying gone until he finishes school. He probably feels like you are trying to control every aspect and he has already thought of a plan. You two need to really sit down and think of a plan/compromise that works for both of you. If you can afford for him to come home every other weekend, most likely you can afford a small studio apartment to be close to him. The only problem, you both have to be willing to bend a little. If you say "hey, lets try to get me moved by you, but I would like for the 7n7 schedule to change" he has to be willing to bend too. Also, you have to take into consideration that maybe that schedule is the one that he likes best. Maybe that is the one that suits him best. I think before you even discuss what will happen after school - you should try to visit him and see what the schedule is like and see how it would work out. Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

If you truly love him you need to be with him. Maybe you should try renting your house in LA and move in with him in CA, sure it is not the perfect situation but you will be together. This will give you both some time to think things over. You will see what life is like in CA and he will see what he has been missing by not having you with him. Give it a good chance before you give him a ultimatum. It sounds like if you do that right now you will loose him.Talk with the other wives, maybe you all should show up for a visit!

Answer 5

As his wife you should have went with him, it was his choice to go so he should find a way to make it affordable. Its hard enough when you live with your spouse to make the relationship work but to be separated for so long will only create problems and you never know after being out there for 2 years he may change his mind or there might come a time when you want him to be supportive of something you want to do.

Answer 6

i think you and your husband need to seriopusly talk about your options. do research on the cost of living there and flying him back and forth. show him he can find the same job in your hometown. if you have info to back you up maybe then he will open his eyes. he needs to relaize you are married and need to be together.

Answer 7

Sounds like he wants to be a bachelor again, he's having fun and you aren't around to nag him about it. Could this be the end of seeing life through rose colored glasses for you?

Answer 8

Have you always been this big of a BRAT. Sounds like he would be better off WITHOUT YOU.

Answer 9

stand by your man .

Answer 10

maybe he's gay, let him stay up there with them!!!