How do I tell our families we don't want them at the hospital when the baby is born?

Question

I know it sounds horrible, but I really don't want our families to be there when our daughter is born. I don't want to hurt any feelings, but I also don't like that they will use that to force me into something I'm not comfortable with. We live about 400 miles from our family, and they expect us to call once I've been admitted to the hospital so they can drive up immediately. I'd rather call them when the baby is born, and then they can leave. I also don't want them all hanging around our house the first few days she's home. I just want that time alone for the 3 of us - not the 9 other people that would be there if our parents and siblings showed up. My husband is in the Army and he's going to be in Iraq (again) by the time our daughter is 3-4 months old, so I'd like for us to have this time as a family. The grandparents and aunts/uncles will get her at Christmas and her first birthday and a bunch of other milestones - her daddy won't.

Hubby wants to call after she is born, but I think that's worse than telling them they can't come.

I know my mother-in-law won't say anything rude to us, but she'll just sound really sad and be hurt. My mom may very well throw a temper tantrum. This is the first grandchild on either side and they are both really excited.

New Mom - Thanks for the commentary on my husband's career but I think I can handle it. This is the 3rd time in less than 5 years that he's gone to Iraq, so I know what I'm doing with him gone. I'm not trying to push them away, I'd just like a little breathing room. I really don't think it's unreasonable of me to not want to give birth with 9 pairs of ears right outside the door (or worse, 9 pairs of eyes staring right at me).

I'm not saying no one can see the baby until my husband leaves. I just don't want anyone AT THE HOSPITAL when I am in labor and giving birth. If they show up a few hours after she's born, thats ok, so long as they don't hang around for our first few days with our daughter. If they want to come back a week or so later, that's fine too, I just want some privacy for those first few hours and days. I don't want everyone asking to hold my baby before we've even gotten to really meet her.

Answer 1

I am totaly on your side. My husband was in 9iraq for both of my pregnancies, we lucked out him being sent home for both of the deliveries. The only one that gave us a hard time was my mother in law, she was so mad that she wasn't alowed in the state never mind the delivery room lol, we did not even start alowing visitors untill 3 weeks old. Some people were a litte hurt, but for the most part understood. This is your baby and you should not have to feel guilty for not wanting anyone there. It is a special time for you and your husband, and if you want to make it a private time, thats your choice. It is stressful enough having a new baby in the house, never mind entertaining company. W/ my second baby i left out to my mother in law that i invited a good friend to the birth (she had 3 c-sections and was very excited when I invited her) Just remember it is your baby and you get to decide who is there and who is not, and don't feel guilty about it, everyone needs to listen and respect your decision.

Answer 2

I totally can see where your coming from. People are different when they have babies me I personally don't like people there seeing me all spread out pushing a baby out. After the birth my husband stays there and watches the baby while I sleep so I usually have the baby, sleep, checkout the next day. I will make personal visits when I'm ready but I don't like a bunch of people at the hospital with me it's too distracting, you don't get any rest, and I seem to lose focus. I made this mistake with my first child had about 10 people in the room very frustrating. So with my other two boys my husband and I went to the hospital had the baby and then called and said we had the baby I turned off my cellphone, they called my room I did'nt answer my phone, and nobody will be bold enough to just show up if they haven't talked to you so I controlled the situation and you deserve to do the same. Go to the hospital have the baby and tell them everything was happening so fast you or your husband didn't have time to call them. Believe me they will get over it once they see the baby. The only way to control the visits is to be honest answer the phone and tell them your tired or sleeping or in the middle of doing something with the baby which more than likely you will be doing and you will call them back. Visit them yourself because you have control over the time, that way you can leave and go back home when your ready. It's better than getting someone over your house and dropping a hit that your ready for your company to go home. I can't believe people don't have common sense these days having a baby and the days afterward is no run in the park!

Answer 3

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your families, but you could try saying what you just said in your question. I'm sure they're all excited to meet your daughter and I wouldn't want to upset them too much since you'll need some help and support. Perhaps you can try setting some boundaries. Like, call them when you're admitted, but ask them to wait in the waiting room. Maybe they can visit you and the baby for a short time but put a limit on it. Same thing for when you're at home. Or you can ask that they give you a few days to settle in. Or perhaps ask that they coordinate so you don't have more than one or two people at a time - and ask them for a favor (like picking up dinner or vacuuming!) Your husband is going to miss a lot of milestones which is very sad (thank you sir, by the way), but your family will miss a lot in the first 4 months too that they won't be able to get back either. You'll need help after your husband leaves......my advice, be careful you don't burn bridges.

Answer 4

Just say it all happened so fast that there was no time to call. Which this can be very true. When you go into labor you and him wont even want to think about calling anyone until after the baby is born. Then tell them, they can come for the time you are in the hospital, but that when you all go home together you would prefer to be home alone with each other as a family because you wont be able to do that too often because of him being gone to Iraq. You need that time alone.

Answer 5

This is good practice for the rest of your life as a parent. It isn't about pleasing your parents anymore - it's about doing what's right and best for you and your family.

It is also one of those situations where it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission. In other words, don't tell them that you plan to call them after the baby is born. Just wait, and call them afterwards. And don't feel guilty! This is YOUR baby. YOU are doing the hard work of giving birth. YOU get to make the rules and do what is comfortable for YOU. Especially if your husband agrees.

If people give you a hard time afterwards, simply say, "Things happened so fast, there was no time to call you!"

I had the opposite situation - I desperately wanted my mom to be there, but she didn't make it in time. I know it seems like a big deal at the time, but no one even remembers now who was there when. They'll be so caught up with the baby, they won't be pissed off for long.

If they are, it's just further proof that you made the right decision in waiting to call! Drama Mamas don't help in an already tense situation.

Thank your husband for his service to our country for me. And hang in there. The first weeks and months with a baby are rough, especially if you're all by yourself (family 400 miles away, husband overseas...) E-mail me if you need support. I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my second child right now, so I know a lot of stuff about babies and pregnancies.

Answer 6

Ok, i just had my first baby in October. Daddy often works variable shifts so we don't always get to be together... not the same as deployment, but you understand the desire to be together. I REALLY thought I wouldn't want anyone around. But here are a few factors that held true for me... and may or may not help you... take what you want from it....

1. NO ONE but dad was allowed in the room for the birth. My mom sat alone in the waiting room until I said I was ready for her.

2. It turned out that having my mom there was a GOOD thing. I was in labor for 28 hours. Mom stepped in to hold my hand while the daddy-to-be stepped out to get a bite to eat. He REALLY deserved the break, but didn't want to leave me alone. (A nurse is NOT always avilable to sit there with you.)

3. I unexpetedly had to have a c-section. So the visitors other than my mom and a couple of his close relatives held off for a few days... BUT I really felt the love from his family and it helped soooooooo much. (I didn't expect that.)

4. When we got home, it was REALLY hard... since I had a c-section. I couldn't get around well for several weeks. Our relatives helped with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, diaper changes, shopping, etc. I was in sooo much pain, and if "daddy" had to take care of me and the baby and everything around the house or those first two weeks he never would have lasted. We tried doing it on our own the first day and ended up calling relatives and asking for help.

So, while spending time alone sounds nice and cuddly and cozy, the reality of it may be far different.

But when all is said and done, it's definitely YOUR call. (But you may not want to burn bridges)

Answer 7

Just tell them! You are the mommy. Tell them you want the first few days home to be calm and for the three of you and you can't entertain everyone (and tell them that even though they may not intend it, you will feel like that is what you should do). Ask them to come up in small groups-draw the names out of a hat for the order. Yes they will be hurt-but they should also respect your wishes. Our hospital asked if we wanted anyone there during the birth or after-they blocked the visitors for you. The first few days will be a blur for all of you, but your hubby will cherish the time with just the 3 of you.

Answer 8

Just tell. Write a letter and tell them exactly how you feel.
Try to imagine yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? Imagine every person, what they might feel, try to contact them individually. Maybe send out personalized letters or cards. Take the time, if you can find it, to address them one at a time. Make sure they understand why you want to do that. Maybe make an exception and allow them to visit only for a certain amount of time.. Perhaps you should comprimise and allow them some time, but also make the time for yourself...

Tough to say, I fold a lot and don't stand my ground, although lately I'm getting better, but if you can live with it, let them do what they want, put a limit on it, but it won't kill you and there is a good chance that, down the road, none of it will matter because daddy will be back from deployment and you all will have such a happy life that none of the silly little things affect you..

Dunno, I'm partial either way...


Explain to them how you feel and what you want then comprimise... I think that is best.. you can make everyone happy.. of course let them know that by getting upset they are being selfish and you are talking to them about this because you didn't want to be selfish and just lay down the law without speaking to them about it... and if, in the end, someone is all bent out of shape about it. .. well.. they are just being selfish...

Answer 9

If I were you, I would just call AFTER the baby was born and say you were in such a rush or too exhausted, overwhelmed, busy, whatever to call on your way to the hospital.

I would also just come right out and say that you want a few days with just you and hubby and your little one and that you hope to see them on Sunday or Thursday or whatever.

Mind you, telling them this may not do any good, at least if they are like my in-laws. I told my husband that I didn't want his parents coming to our house (they live 8 hours away) until three weeks after our baby is born so that we could have this time to ourselves.

They replied by saying that they will be arriving 3.5 weeks to the day after the due date (due to a local antique car show near our house they want to attend), regardless of when the baby is born.

So if our baby is born 2 weeks late, we will only get one and a half weeks to ourselves. C'est la vie!

Answer 10

I see three options here:

1. Blame the hospital - tell the fams they don't let a parade into the delivery room. (Even though many do allow it.) The only way this backfires if the families call and verify your story.

2. Call after the baby's born and tell the families your labor went so quickly you didn't get a chance to call them sooner. (How are they going to know?)

3. Be brutally honest - explain your feelings to the fams and ask them to respect your wishes to just keep this a private moment between mom, dad, and baby. This could bring on some hurt feelings, but they'll get over it.

Good luck!