Can anyone solve this mystery for me?

Question

My wife and I have had a tough first year of marriage. Arguing, controlling behaviors, questioning whether we should have gotten married in the first place. Some of this is normal in the first year and I understand that. My wife threatens divorce all the time. She says I’m verbally abusive and all this stuff. I don’t think I am. Sometimes I react very harshly to her abusiveness (like last Saturday when she was angry she got drunk and said she hoped I got hit by a truck and died). However this is what floors me. She says we’re not right for each other, threatens divorce, I’m verbally abusive BUT (and this is a big but) she wants to have a baby with me. I tell her “Let me get this straight. You think I’m awful, verbally abusive sometimes and you hope I die but you want to have my baby?”
If I honestly thought that about my spouse there is no way shape or form I’d want to have a kid with them so how does she get to this conclusion. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m all those things after all. Logically it doesn’t make sense to want a kid with someone you think is awful. What in the heck is wrong with that logic? Ladies help me understand this please. Maybe she does really love me. Kind of strange if she thinks I’m awful and still wants my kid.

Answer 1

OK although you are both really messed up, it seems like you have a little more sense than she does. Having a child is probably her way of thinking, you'll be happy again. Don't do it, it's a huge mistake. You don't even know if you should be married forever, much less have a child and then the both of you use the child as ammunition against each other. You've crossed the line in the way you fight. The things both of you have said, should have never been said, and should never be said to each other again. Getting hit by a truck and die? THat's awful, I can't even say that to someone on the street I had a fight with, much less the man I love, and married. It's crazy! She probably needs to stop drinking, and you too if you do.
You need to make a choice, work it out or not. Then if you do decide to work it out, start changing it. Don't blame the other, get some therapy, and altogether stop. IF she can't stop, stop yourself from talking to her like that, hopefully you'll lead by example. Altruism is the key to a succesfull marriage. (Altruism is selfless concern for the welfare of others.) Talk it out, not duke it out, you're killing the love with all that bad talk. PS it's like throwing a baby into a train wreck, it's just not a good idea right now.

Answer 2

How old is she? I think she does love you deeply, (she only just married you and generally speaking people don’t marry people if they are not in love with them) I think she has an anger management problem…is she spoilt by any chance? Insecure? What is her family (sibling) positioning? Is she an only child, was she abused as a child? These are for you to answer in private not here. Is there a reason you may acknowledge that she is carrying on with such behaviour? Are you both really questioning yr choice in marriage or is this only in times of arguments and anger? Threatening divorce is below the belt and has to be nipped in the bud straight away. Telling you she hopes you die by a truck are irrational, immature, angry pre-calculated thoughts and one would wonder if there are other deeper psychological issues. You are right, it doesn’t make sense, so both be careful and sort these issues before starting a family. Yr wife sounds possibly depressed, (bi-polar?) any history of this in her family origin? or past history. Your instincts will be a good guide and indicator as to how you should go as well…good luck

Answer 3

I don't know your wife's side, but here is my take on it. My husband and I still go thought this same type stuff after 8 yrs of marriage. I Love him and would be devastated if something were to happen to him. Yet at times he is (in my opinion) verbally abusive.

Wait on kids 1 year is to soon. Iron out some of the rough spots first. We have a 5 year old, he's our glue sometimes, and he shouldn't be. Think of what would be fair to the child, every other weekend with dad?

Ask yourself " If she died tomorrow, how would I feel?" Be honest with your answer. When you know your own heart, if you want the marriage, ask her to do the same thing. If you don't, be honest with yourself and her. Use a gentle voice to ask her the question, to keep it from turning into an argument.

I ask this question of my self after every fight. I know my answer so I fight for my marriage. Good Luck to you both

Answer 4

She does love you, but she seems very dramatic and abusive, and she drinks? Do not bring a baby into a situation like that. Look at it like this: would you give a screaming baby a candy bar to keep it quiet? No, you don't reward bad behavior. So don't give her a baby when she is being so mean to you.

Your wife needs to grow up, and she needs to do it before a baby is in the mix. Tell her what you think needs to be fixed, and then you will have a baby with her. If she is willing to work on the relationship with you, then she really does care and does want to fix your marriage.

If she won't do it for you and a baby, then do NOT have a baby with her. You'll be subjecting your child to abuse and a drama mama. It won't be good for the child. YOUR child. Think about it.

Answer 5

your wife sound just plan selfish in immature for wanting to bring a baby into this mess. A Innocent baby needs two loving parents that can properly nurture and love this child. I would recommend that you and you wife get some counseling and try first to work on all areas of communication and respectin your marriage. If things don't improve thereafter a separation and divorce would be the right road you both of you. Good luck to both you and your wife .

Answer 6

Yea you're right...it makes no sense. First off I would suggest if you both seriously want things to work you should both get into counseling. If you decide in the long run it's not worth it – end the relationship before she gets pregnant. As for her telling you you're awful but still wanting a kid....I would guess she feels sort of empty or lost. Trying to fill a void...basically just wanting you to fill the need of getting her pregnant and then I'd guess she would be done with you. Good luck.....because if she gets pregnant and you guys still get a divorce I'd bet there would be custody battles plus more ahead.

Answer 7

She sounds like she's frustrated and angry about something and is taking it out on you. She's saying those things to get a reaction and hurt you. I dont think she means them. She just wants you to be as hurt and upset as she obviously is.

And yes, she wants a baby too. Maybe she feels the two of you are drifting apart and that having a baby would bring you closer together and give her someone who depends entirely on her.

I dont think she really thinks you're such a horrible person, but I really think you need to calmly sit down and discuss things - without either of you getting angry or shouting or upset. You need to work out why the relationship is going the way it is and how (or if) you can do anything to resolve it and get back to having a good relationship, where you would actually consider having children together

Answer 8

It might not be true but am just gonna type it here. She might want the kid but not u...another way, after having the kid and if she divorce u, u gotta pay for her expenses and give her allowance for the child and her...so think real carefully before having a kid. What u think is right, i wouldn't wanna have kids with someone if i thought that way abt my partner. You shld bring her and urself for a marriage counselling. And when someone is drunk and say such a thing, most probably it's true...like people use to say, when ya drunk, u tend to spill out everything.

Answer 9

Some people men/women think a baby is the cure all for a bad marriage. I will assume you are young due to the fact that many of the things you are going through ar signs of immaturity. Please don't take that as a insult..I lived through it. I can only ask you to re-evaluate your marriage. If it is worth saving work on it if not let go. I fear that verbal abuse will only grow into physical abuse. Either way no child should be brought into a home of abuse. As a older man feel free to contact me...either one of you. I will share some of my expriences.

Answer 10

WOW.
well, i think that the fact that she gets hammered may be a part of the problem, but i definitely agree with you about not having her carry your child. forget about YOU and HER for a minute.... think about the BABY... why on earth would you want your child to be raised in a hotile, abusive environment by a woman who wants you to get hit by a truck. that child would end up being the next jeffrey dahmer or something. PLEASE don't knock her up.

as for her wanting your child... i don't think it's that she wants to have YOUR baby, i think it's that she wants to have A baby... her biological clock is ticking so loud that she can't hear herself yelling at you. you should get couples counseling and only seriously think of bringing an innocent baby into the equation after you've both matured a bit more and have decided that you have a healthy, loving relationship that you both want to stay in.