How do you like my latest poem? Warning it may seem morbid to some. Night of the drooling dead?

Question

Night of the drooling dead
for Patty (as always)
(if only I could pay off my debt to you!)
(not in this life space)


Sandra needs more wool; nothing doing
Anne wants some pride…believe you me?

Bonnie continues to beg
And plead for speed…

For symbolic reasons only
I will shortly put on a belt

Brace has taught me
To fly to precious plateaus
and spacious landing grounds…

I should mention
my Love for you
but why bother?

Time has flown---
Now you are rotten
And I am forgotten

I won’t forget you………empty and true…
‘NOUGH FOR NOW!

It may seem confusing since poetry says something more or less normal in a very elaborate way. This is basically a carpe diem poem which means seize the day.

In other words, it means if you are in love, you should move now since when you are old or even dead, you will see how you missed a great opportunity but it will be too late.

Also, this is a joke since I am attacking poems like roses are red. you are fed with my love like a glove we fit together forever, etc. bla bla bla.....

I make a pun on the title of the classic horror film, Night of the living dead... etc.

bw. Patty is dead since she committed suicide in 1975. maybe I am a little obessed with her death which could lead to lousy poetry or something else.

obviously that must be btw!!! grrrr!!

Answer 1

I like the idea of combatting typical love poems by having such a poem dedicated to a cadaver.
Regarding the confusing matter, there is little tying one stanza to the next, or even one line to the next. This is most apparent in the opening lines. "Sandra needs wool..." Okay. "Anne wants pride..." But the poem is about the narrator and the deceased.
A popular poetry exercise is to literally cut half of the poem out. There is an author who wrote a 1,000 page history of a town, eventually cutting out the unnecessary stuff until she had a three line haiku. If I may be as morbid as you, decapitate the top half. Start with "I should mention...." and end on "empty and true"
We don't need vague terms like "precious plateau" and "spacious landing ground." We don't need assortments of characters.
Lose the rhyming...that's a throwback to the love poems you are fighting.
There's a strong skeleton in the last two stanzas. Replace vague terms and exposition and show us that time has flown. Are there wrinkles on the narrator? Bags under the eyes? Show us that the body is rotten. Answer both questions at once: There's moss growing on the crumbling gravestone. (obviously, put this in more poetic langauge) Do this and you will show us that the body won't be forgotten.
What is empty and true? Can it be shown to us?
Think of it like this: If I said I was going to give you a million dollars, you wouldn't be impressed. If I showed you that million dollars, your eyebrows would elevate.
I wish I could find this quote from a famous author...your morbid side would like it...about how sometimes we have to kill our precious babies. Babies, in this case, refers to words and lines that take away from the poem and its goal.
When all is said and done, change the cliche title. Maybe pick something from the love poems you hate: "Moonlight Over a Wilted Rose."
This critique may look harsh and lengthy, but I enjoy the morbid style and the promise of this poem. Perhaps when you get it revised some more, you would be willing to share it.
Best wishes.

Answer 2

i'm hugging that little female and making a music her 3 lullabies even regardless of the reality that I have a foul making a music voice - too many cigarettes. I have a headache so i will ben oops I adult adult males mattress, no wait adult adult males is way too many, guy is a lot yet it truly is not what I meant. Nite sweetheat.

Answer 3

You are 100% correct in your analysis of it being
Morbid........my analysis would have added a few more descriptive words.lol

Answer 4

I don't know if I like it... it's kind of confusing.