Should I let go, or fight for what I want?

Question

My boyfriend wants to move to another city next year, he asked me to go with and I decided that I would if we get engaged. I have a good job and my own career path and don't want to just pick up and leave without proper commitment. He said that he is not ready to take this step, for various reasons being:
He wants to be settled first; He does not get along with my family; and He does have money but not to spend on an engagement ring.

He says that we are going to be married someday, and wants me to move with him anyway. I feel that if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, then he will do whatever needs to be done. I feel torn..we have discussed this, it just goes round in circles..either we get engaged (he is still struggling with the idea and how to make it happened) OR its over. Long distance is not even an option, we both know it won't work? I want him to ask me to be his wife because he loves me (which he does), out of his own free will; I don't want to lose him.

Answer 1

You are NOT being unreasonable. Don't go unless you get a commitment. You will be putting yourself in a very bad position if things don't work out, and he wants such a huge commitment (and sacrifice) from you without wanting to make any himself. And why does he have to be "settled" to be engaged? I could understand why he would want to be settled in order to marry, but engaged? All that means is he INTENDS to marry you...so, either he has intentions of marrying you, or he doesn't. Fight for what you want.

Answer 2

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change = yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. They don't respect women or children. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel , my partner is in the army and I have had to drop everything and move all over the country for him.
Is there any way that u would except a commitment ring - untill he saves up enough money for the engagement ring that you want. He needs to shoe you that you arnt giving everything up for no reason. He needs to make you good solid promises that he needs to keep. Talk to him about a commitment ring or a promise ring - a step closer to being engaged. You will both be getting what you want - sort of and then ask him to give you a time frame on when he thinks ' marrage " will happen.
If he still doesnt bugde don't give in and move with him, because if he gets his way on an issue this big, he will think he can get his way with just about anything. And when he realises for certain that he's going to loose you, its suprising what he can and cannot afford!

Answer 4

An engagement is not as strong a commitment as marriage. If he's unsure at this point, then moving in together miles and miles away from the people who you can count, and away from a career that you've worked hard for, will only add another level of stress. And no guarantee. He has the money to spend on an engagement ring,,just not one for you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you're worth waiting for, so let him run off and make up his mind on his own, without your constant pleading.

Answer 5

Tell him that you don't need an expensive engagement ring. He could buy a gemstone other than a diamond, a sapphire for instance, or a claddagh ring (www.allcladdagh.com).

But, he can't have it both ways. He can't say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you but refuse to become engaged. You can't be sure of his intentions unless he agrees to get engaged. You would be making a huge step for him - a big commitment - he needs to show that he's serious about your relationship. The decision should be an easy one for him if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

Answer 6

maybe u should leave him..i dont know..he should ask u to marry him on his own free will..u sayin u would leave him shouldnt be the the one thing that brings on a proposal. u shouldnt have to drop ur career and everything because he just wants to move to another city for no apparent good reasons. i believe the being settled thing is an excuse when most ppl get married thats when the settling starts not before..do what u feel is right.

Answer 7

I was in a long term relationship like that and it was also the guy who was afraid to commit. It wont happen my dear. Break it off and stick with your intuition. Your family loves you and they want whats best for you. He has the money to move but not for a ring? And he is sure about moving to an unknown place but not about commiting to the lady he is sure of? Let him go.... its the best thing you can do.

Answer 8

If he wanted to be married he would have asked you by now.

I would not leave my family and job and life for a "maybe" arrangement.

Be forewarned, though: If you stay, and he goes, you will feel the fiercest sense of missing him that you will risk mistaking that for something deeper; and you will run the risk of running after him as a result of missing him. So, if you decide to stay be prepared to stay strong through the missing him phase. It will pass.

Also, though, if a relationship is meant to be it wil survive being separated for a while; and if you believe his going and your staying for a while longer would cause the relationship to fade I would think you, yourself, don't have that sense of permanence and "forever" that people have when they are in the right relationship.

Answer 9

His thoughts on this are VERY obvious..
He wants convenient sex. If you have to follow him without any promises, it means that you are going to be there as long as he needs to get laid. Once he finds a better one, he can just throw you out. After all, he made no promises to you.
If this man really loves you, do you really think that he would even have to take time to think about marrying you. It is VERY obvious from a man's point of view that he will get a really sweet deal if you just follow him. You will have to depend on him. You will have no job. Your family will be far away. Who will be there when he gets bored and throws you out.
He commits, or throw him out.

Answer 10

u should be engaged before u leave an existing job, as it is just too risky a thing to do. wait until he moves and see how much he misses u, if he changes his mind about getting engaged. if he won't commit to u he isn't promising u a thing.