Native English Speaker, Pls have some comment?

Question

My teacher in English did not like my composition because of the numerous adj. & adv. i used. she got irritated when i used words which are normally hard to comprehend. i did only that bcoz she wants a composition full of description. Would u mind have some comment what is wrong.

The stretching walkway’s silence gets disturbed by the resounding voices of the students. A teenage girl wears a grossly inferior imitation of Britney’s style. A naughty childlike boy cavorts to his irritated friend. A ridiculous man explicitly wears a weird colorful accessory. A teenage boy handling a ubiquitous iPod sings unpleasantly. A man aggrandized by his golden necklace courteously talks with a student. A sexy lady wearing a poorly crafted bag walks like a showy model. A man having an endomorphic body gentlemanly gives a way for a lady beside him. A student having a dyed curly hair politely asks his considerate professor. A group of bored students queue to an incessant operating photocopy machine.

Answer 1

This is full of description; however, not easy to read. It sounds almost poetic, but also it reads as a collection of random statements lacking anything that brings them all together.

You're written English is great, but you're trying to hard. If you had been more conversational or chosen a theme to write about, I think your teacher would've given you higher marks.

Answer 2

It seems fine to me with a few exceptions. I did not find it difficult to understand any of the words you used. There are a few grammatical mistakes however. It is better to say the man with the endomorphic body gentlemanly gives way, not " a way". It should not be "a dyed curly hair" unless there is only one hair. That was also an incomplete sentence. Other than that, you did fine.

Answer 3

Please do not take offense to this. I'm just trying to be honest.

I think you're using some very good adjectives here to describe your characters. However, there is too much description and the words that you are using makes it seem like you're trying too hard. With all this description, it is really hard for a reader to tell what you're trying to write about.

Hope it helps.

Answer 4

Its too wordy. Try to take a little off of the top or write it over, itll come naturally! Good luck.

Answer 5

I think you are French.

You should not use too long words that not even you can understand. Have a variety of words, some simple and some descriptive.

Au Revoir!

Answer 6

(verify if the words that I placed a "*" via contain what you meant via looking it up in a dictionary) and persons had cautioned Yang Jingyu for a major commander and the political *commissionary. the army finished guerrilla* methods (there is not any "a" after out simply by fact methods is plural) that have been to keep away from the enemy's considerable forces and strike the weak spot, they have been specifically working at a community around Pan Shi, Hua Dian, and Yi Tong. they have crushed the jap invaders ----finished ingredient (i attempted to the superb option) And the army and persons had cautioned Yang Jingyu as chief commander and political commissary. After the corporation of the national progressive military, the army finished guerrilla methods that's to keep away from the enemy's considerable forces and strike the weak spot. They have been specifically working in a community around Pan Shi, Hua Dian, and Yi Tong. that they had crushed the jap invaders in a genuine spin and black and blue, the main feared. the jap military have been favored a cost of fifty,000 Da Yang on Yang Jiyu's head. In 1935, jap accumulated the community puppet troops and portion of the jap protection rigidity police to variety the "Punitive day trip military" who led an encirclement and suppression to the 1st military. under the undesirable situations such simply by fact the nutrition became into inadequate to consume, no longer sufficient cover to hide, the cotten dress became into no longer sufficient to placed on, no longer sufficient weapons, and so on. the 1st military, enable via Yang Jingyu operated in an hard war guerilla conflict via encircling and outflanking methods, and that that they had overwhelmed our enemies one via one and via a sparkling sweep, for this reason, they captured a lot of small hands and heavy hands weapons, and the troops prolonged. They throughly achieved weaponary and kit to rework from straightforward rifle to 1938 classic. in basic terms like the community guerrillas sung, "we've not have been given any weapons, no cannons, yet enemies are making for us". in the April of 1936, well-known Yang Jingyu led his military succeeded in ambushing at Edao Waizi of Ji An conty, 3 companies of the indoctrination cavalry troops have been thoroughly worn out and became nicely-enjoyed.