I have been married for over 22 years. Since 1998, we stopped being intimate and we became separated, but still living at home. We agreed that I would stay to take care of him since he became an inhome care patient. Now he's been in a home on a ventilator and feeding tube for a year. I am so lonely and want out of this situation. I have never been in love with him, but I don't want to hurt him, or look like the "bad guy". How how can I get myself out of this mess ?
2007-02-05 18:13:47 · 21 answers · asked by peachesncream 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your marriage has been done for a long time. You have to let him know this. You have been doing your part as a wife. He's been sick and you have been there for him. You must let him know that the intimacy is gone and you have to move on, it's not that he's sick. If it was, you would already be gone. You have a place in your heart for him. Find someone (a professional) to take care of him. Get a divorce, but be loving about it. Not all divorces have to be cold. Don't cheat on him. If I had too, I would not let it get back to him. You don't want to hurt him more than he's going to be. When you know he's where he will be taken care of, your dating can begin in an open manor again. Try to be his friend and if he doesn't want that than walk away. Don't let him make you feel bad. You have done more than your part! Don't take your loss of intimacy out on him. It's not your fault, and it's not his. You may find he just needs a friend in what sounds like his limited years in this world. Good luck. Don't be the "bad guy" and just leave a sick man without a friend. Don't let him be the "bad guy" and deny you the right to your own happiness. Hurting is going to happen without doubt. Show him this letter so that he knows how you feel. Get that divorce. Good luck.
2007-02-05 18:45:06 · answer #1 · answered by trevor_brry 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Oh boy you a are really trapped in a lose-lose situation.
If you stay: Your resentment (along with other negative feelings like loneliness) will grow and you will probably become bitter and resentful
If you leave: People (especially the guy's relatives and friends) will probably gossip about you behind your back and you would probably feel guilty about it
I'm also quite surprised that you two have been separated but you still live together and you have agreed to take care of him since he became an in-home care patient.
I think the best situation is to slowly ease yourself out, try getting the guy's relatives to help out with his care. Suggest a timetable that you all can agree on and use this time to get out more.
You made two promises, one on the altar and one verbal one to continue taking care of him. Hope you will keep those in mind whatever you do
2007-02-05 18:34:25 · answer #2 · answered by lordfa9 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You took the vow '' In sickness and in health''. I'm sorry, in my opinion, there is no best way out. If you want to be a good guy, you find it in your heart to take care of your mate. Don't keep taking care of them, because you don't want to look like the bad guy, because God won't bless you for deeds done with a grudge. Look how long you have went Thur long suffering with them. Do all things with love and if you don't love them anyway, them you need to step aside and let someone else do the job.It's not like you have every awaking day with them. You said he was in a home. Please be careful of how you treat people. If you don't love him, I'm sure he is aware of that. You will be shocked at how people can feel when they are not being loved or treated fairly. Remember you too is a human being and could be placed in this same predicament someday and you would want to be love by someone that's been in your life for 22 years. If that person doesn't love you, then who will or should. You say you never loved him, but I think you did or do, because you would not have stayed for so long. Rethink what you are saying, I know as a woman you are starved for love and attention, but you made this bed. Now please see it Thur.
2007-02-05 18:33:56 · answer #3 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
so your seperated he understands this but wants you to stay with him to take care of him as he is sick now.. Well get a nurse for him or incare services. and if you can't afford that then at least he can do is let you have your happiness . okay so you help him out as you both agreed theres not love there your seperated and you continue living and find yourself a nice man for yourself. he's being very selfish here he can't go out and meet a woman as he is sick and he doesn't show you love yet wants you to stay by his side and take care of him still seperated and expects you just to be happy with that. You don't ask him you tell him this is what you are doing. you are seperated and you are living your own life he doesn't like it tough.
2007-02-05 22:23:00 · answer #4 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Break free. You have been a saint if you never loved him. Don't worry about looking like the bad guy thats just what other people think, and what do they know right? Its time for you to be happy! You don't owe him anything. Maybe it would be nice to visit him as a friend occasionally but get out of this over-maternal thing.
Join some sort of group where you can meet new friends and even someone special;) There are all sorts of such groups. Church groups spring to mind.
Why don't you jet out to a foreign country- seriously!
2007-02-05 18:20:53 · answer #5 · answered by Oz Billy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
that's a really tough situation... but being married for 22 years and you've never been in love with him? then you should not have married him at all .... you can leave him to a hospital (if there is one) that takes care of patients like him ... but since you agreed to take care him then take care of him ...
2007-02-05 18:58:35 · answer #6 · answered by majal_lu 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, no wonder you are feeling low. You have had a hard nine years. You have to give yourself permission to live. You have to turn off from what you think others may think or not think about you. You have to ask yourself what it is you really want....and then go get it. Noone is going to get it for you. Start small. Build your confidence.Take care of your health. Establish your network of friends and family. Talk to a counsellor. But start.
2007-02-05 18:47:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you married with no love, you married him for security wise then. 22 years is a hell to live with a man whom you don't love especially taking care of him now that he is invalid.My husband was 20 years older than me,he was in his 50s I was in my 30s I was a mail order bride. I work hard to love him and support him for I want to stay married.To make story short he got sick like your husband,I was lonely and tempted too. But, I stick to him and care for him until he passed away, to repay him of his good ness and his love to me.It is 7 years now that he is gone,I still missed him. and I did love him unconditionaly, and my concience is good.It is not my place to advice you, do what ever is good for you,it is your life and your concience.
2007-02-05 19:06:28 · answer #8 · answered by Vannili 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd hate to say this but he wont have much longer to live like that, worst comes to worst you have to have him put in a nursing home, because he is stealing your life away-because he is losing his. Love is something that plays a big role. But if you want out make sure you think twice or three times.
2007-02-05 18:16:45 · answer #9 · answered by Joe Capo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have never been in love with him, you shouldn't have married him in the first place, You might have to move on. See a marriage councelor. Good luck, and take care.
2007-02-05 18:18:20 · answer #10 · answered by Holly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋