Love or Friendship?

Question

There is this guy, and hes so sweet, and he makes me laugh, and he can cheer me up no matter how sad i am, and he made me so happy. When before him i had been SO unhappy. But then he went and was a jerk (even though what he did was not that bad) and i broke up with him.

Now he wants a 2nd chance and i dont know if i should give it to him. I never really stopped liking him but im pretty sure hes going to be a jerk again.

Another problem i have is my friends/family never liked him, they thought he wasnt good enough for me. And they were mad at me for being with him.

I have been trying to think about whether i want to give him a second chance. Ive tried thinking bout why i should, and about why i shouldnt. But im tied between the two.

If i give him a 2nd chance im most deffinetly going to loose my friends who i love so much and who i know are always there for me.

My question is...

this guy that i love or my friends that i love?

wut would u choose??

Answer 1

LOVE vs. Attachment.

What in the world is the difference between loving a person and being attached to them?
Love is the sincere wish for others to be happy, and to be free from suffering.
Having realistically recognized others' kindness as well as their faults, love is always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have No ulterior motives to fulfill our self-interest, or to fulfill our desires; to love others simply because they exist.
Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others' good qualities and makes us crave to be with them. When we're with them, we're happy, but when we're separated from them, we are often miserable. Attachment is linked with expectations of what others should be or do.
Is love as it is usually understood in our society
really love? or attachment ? or even possibly for some, only selfish lust.
Let us examine this a bit more. Generally we are attracted to people either because they have qualities we value or because they help us in some way. If we observe our own thought processes mindfully, and carefully - we'll notice that we look for specific qualities in others.
Some of these qualities we find attractive, others are those our parents, or society value.
We examine someone's looks, body, education,
financial situation, social status. This is how most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value to us.
In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they help us, praise us, make us feel secure, listen to what we have to say, care for us when we are sick or depressed, we consider them good people, and it is this type of people we are most likely to be more attracted to.

But this is very biased, for we judge them only in terms of how they relate to "us", as if we are the most important person in the world.
After we've judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them it appears to us as if goodness is coming from them, but if we are more aware, we recognize that we have projected this goodness onto them.

Desiring to be with the people a lot who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo's -
when we're with these people, we're Up, when we're not with these people, we're Down.

Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with those people will be and thus have expectations of them. When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we're very disappointed, or may become angry !
We want them to change so that they will they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from the other people.
Our problems arise not because others aren't
who we thought they we're, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they
aren't.
Checklist: "I Love You if __________ "
What we call love is most often attachment.
It is actually a disturbing attitude that overestimates the qualities of another person.
We then cling to tightly to that person, thinking our happiness depends on that person.
"Love, on the other hand, is an open and very calm, relaxed attitude. We want someone to be happy, and free from suffering simply because they exist. While attachment is uncontrolled and much too sentimental, Love is direct and powerful. Attachment obscures our judgment and we become impatient, angry, and impartial, helping only our dear ones and harming those who we don't like. Love builds up others, and clarifies our minds, and we
access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on
selfishness, while Love is founded upon cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to the eyes. Love looks beyond
all the superficial appearances, and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want inner peace, happiness, and want to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, dirty, ignorant people, we feel repulsed because our selfish minds want to know attractive, intellectual, clean, and talented people. Love, on the other hand, never evaluates others by these superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others' appearances, their experience is the same as ours: they seek inner peace, to be happy, to be free from sufferings, and to do their best to avoid problems.
When we're attached, we're not mentally and emotionally free. We overly depend on and cling to another person to fulfill our mental and especially our emotional needs. We fear losing the person, feeling we'd be incomplete without him.
This does not mean that we should suppress our emotional needs or become aloof, alone and totally independent, for that too does not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs, and slowly seek to eliminate them. Some emotional needs may be so strong that they can't be dissolved immediately.
If we try to suppress them or pretend they do not exist, we become anxious, insecure, falling into a depression. In this case, we can do our best to fulfill our needs while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them.
"The core problem is we seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others rather than to understand them. In all honesty, our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfishness obscuring our own
minds. 'We can develop self-confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a selfless human being with many, magnificent qualities, then we'll develop a true and accurate feeling of self-confidence. And
then we'll seek to increase true love, without attachments, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience and understanding, as well as generosity, concentration and wisdom.'

'Under the influence of attachment we're bound by our emotional reactions to others. When they are nice to us, we're happy. When they ignore us, or speak sharply to us, we take it personally and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn't mean we become hard-hearted. Rather, without attachment there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine Affection and Impartial Love for them.
We'll be actively involved with them.
If we learn to subdue our attachments, we can most definitely have successful friendships and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer because of the freedom and respect - the relationships will be based on. We'll care about the happiness and the misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same in wanting and needing inner peace, happiness, and not wanting to suffer. However, our lifestyles and interests may be more compatible with those of some people more so than with others and that is alright. In any case, our relationships will be based on mutual Love, mutual interests, and the wish to help each other in life.

Answer 2

Sweetie when it comes to love, it's a thing that when you truley find love then don't ever let it go no matter if it will cause you to loose a friend or not. Cause to tell you the truth if you did give him a second chance (which i think you should) and your friends get mad and wont have anything to do with you, then honey they weren't your friends in the first part. true friends will stick by your side no matter what decision you make, they will give you their opinion but thats all, it's not their choice who your with, their not the ones dateing him. never let anyone stop you from doing what your heart feels. if you really love him then give him a chance again, you will never know whats going to happen unless you do, and if you don't then you might live the rest of your life woundering if i would of given him a 2 chance then would i be with him now? think about it honey, think about how you truely feel and go with it. good luck

Answer 3

The problem I see with giving him a second chance is, the part where you said that you are pretty sure that he will be a jerk again. Also if there are lost of people who love you that are telling you that it isn't right, then it probably isn't. Ultimately you have to be the one to decide. Go with how you really feel. Good luck, and take care.

Answer 4

I guess the question is he worth your friends. You sound to me that you really don't want to be with him or you wouldn't have to ask since you said that you think he'll be a jerk again, and if your friends are that true to you they wouldn't stop being your friends. I just feel that you made up your mind. Beside people can't make you happy only you can they can just give you a few laughs.

Answer 5

Only you know deep in your heart if this guy is worth losing all your friends but then your friends should be on your side and help you. Friends are not there to judge but to be there no matter what. If this guy is worth it and you don't give him a 2nd chance you will always think of what could have been and never forgive yourself.

Answer 6

How old are you? My family doesn't really think my girlfriend is good enough for me, but that just happens sometimes. My friends like her OK, but I think it partially depends on how protective your parents are, which might not have to do with the guy. And what did he do that "wasn't that bad" but that makes you think that he'll "do it again"?

Your friends won't leave you. Unless they're not really your friends. In which case, **** 'em.

Answer 7

Friendship--past, present and future. Something to cherish and anticipate. Beautifully done.

Answer 8

it seems a very complicated situation but it is clear that you are attached to hum. you have feelings for him but what about him.you should try to know whether he loves you as a friend or more.you should try to know whether he is with someone else.you said he has done something bad but love is giving and forgiving provided he has the same feelings for you.
As for your parents you should ask them what really troubles them with this guy and try to explain to them that you love him. but your parents surely wants the best for you.

Answer 9

if i were you i'll choose my friends. remember love is blind and lovers cant see. i'm sure your friends have a good reason why they don't like the guy for you. once a jerk always a jerk.

Answer 10

Anyone who gives you the ultimatum of love, or their friendship...isn't really your friend. Besides, Love is really alot like a friendship, except for the sex. Your lover literally IS your best friend. Get it??

Answer 11

Thats tough! well, i mean not to be rude because i've been there but i've realized most relations ships are just flings and friends are forever. u'll meet plenty of guys! so i would go with friends...good luck!