why does his words have so much affect on me?

Question

hubby and I are seperated. in our marriage there has been alot of pain, verbal and physical abuse,cheating, etc.we tried counseling didn't work so we've been seperated now for 5 months. yesterday he called me,he got out of control, starting bawling and crying, sometimes yelling,telling me he can't live this way,he's got to find someone else and move on,that I don't love him, that this is who he is and he's not gonna change,he said i'll accept his financial help but not him and that he won't be screwed over anymore, he called me a cheater,he said what I did was worse than anything he's ever done to me and will affect him forever he finished by saying he will come and get the kids so he can be around someone who loves him,unconditionally. that is what he needed right now.after this, I spent the rest of the evening having an emotional breakdown,my nerves were jerking, i felt anything from fear, guilt, exhaustion, and broken.i sat in the dark for hours, crying. later i was angry. what's up

Answer 1

LET ME SEE: spots do not change, you can't change them either i tried for years in my first marriage of abuse of verbal an physical, an finely gave up......after 18 years...was tired of beening mistreated......got divorced, few years later found the best thing a person could ask for...........see spots don't change they just get meaner....stay out an find new life.........life is way to short for u to be miserable an unhappy........

Answer 2

You have tried to help this man and your marriage and I'm sure you still love. I'm just glad you knew enough to leave before he got physically abusive with you. He is laying a guilt trip on you. Common sense should have told you, you was doing the right thing when he said to you ''while having a nervous breakdown'' THIS IS WHO i AM AND I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE''. He will get over it . If he cheated in the marriage, then more than likely he have somebody else.He just want what he can't have. Yes he should be helping out with the money. You have kids by him. I say, let him cry, this will pass, unless you want to be abused again then take him back.

Answer 3

Try to remember he is hurting just as much as you are from loosing his hopes and dreams and what he thought his future would be,just as you are there is no quick fix just be patient and communicate if possible,time heals all wounds but the time frame is different to everyone if you do want to try and work it out again try dating each other again and lots and lots of calm talking you need to ask for what you from him and he needs to do the same but dont go back out of guilt, trust me and good luck

Answer 4

Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
by Dr. Irene Matiatos with a former Client who's been there, done that
featured on www.obgyn.net
Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:
Does your partner:
Updated May 2001

ignore your feelings?

disrespect you?

ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?

ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

withhold approval, appreciation or affection?

give you the silent treatment?

walk away without answering you?

criticize you, call you names, yell at you?

humiliate you privately or in public?

roll his or her eyes when you talk?

give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?

make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?

seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?

tell you you are too sensitive?

hurt you especially when you are down?

seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?

have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?

complain about how badly you treat him or her?

threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

ever left you stranded?

ever threaten to hurt you or your family?

ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?

seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?

abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?

compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?

promise to never do something hurtful again?

harass you about imagined affairs?

manipulate you with lies and contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?

drive like a road-rage junkie?

act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?

question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?

interrupt you; hear but not really listen?

make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?

use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?

incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?

try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"

frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.

You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.

You doubt your own judgment.

You doubt your abilities.

You feel vulnerable and insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.


If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Answer 5

you don't have to let your husband do that to you get a restraining order he won't have no contact or he'll be arested im separated from my husband from the same things abuse and cheating so far hes not bothered me if he does ill get another restraning order because my first one ended i had it a year

Answer 6

Get a divorce and move on with your life, this relationship is dysfunctional and not healthy for your children.

Answer 7

You need ot divorce your husband and move on with it.... Why are you still married to this guy? You need counseling and help.

Answer 8

This drama needs to go to a proffessional counselor!!
They'll be able tohelp you both sort things out!

Answer 9

i think u should try talking to him again. try doing more to help him. maybe your guilty