Opinion needed on affairs?

Question

My hubby had an affair and we are trying to fix it, and despite it all, our marriage has been better than ever. But...I am having a hard time coming to terms with the whys? and how could he, etc? What makes a man decide that a woman he has known for under 6 months be more important than his wife and marriage and kids of ten years? Why would he decide this woman is more important than trying to fix a failing marriage? Because that was us. Our marriage was going to hell. So, why not fix it instead of straying? Its killing me cuz this affair wasnt just sex. And i dont understand the whys? and the hows? If anyone can enlighten me to maybe understand my husband and his motives. In a "sick" kinda way this affair has bought us closer together, our marriage immediately got better after the affair was out. I think it made us both realize what we had standing in front of us the whole time, but it kills me, cuz i knew our marriage was crappy and didnt stray, but he did. Why?

Wouldnt it have been less heart breaking to come to me and tell me how unhappy he was or tell me this is what he needs or to tell me he is considering divorce if such and such doesnt change or get better? Why do people take the easy way out and just expect the "victim" to "just let it go" or to just understand the whys and the hows?

Answer 1

He was a coward who chose to run from his problems instead of facing them head-on.

He should be thankful that you were willing to take him back...

Answer 2

I am not trying to sound like a pessimist, but make sure the other woman is out the of the picture first... He might be softening you up, how could a marriage change so quickly when it was on the rocks? Don't be afraid of losing him, by keeping quite, your not doing any good especially to yourself, your questions deserve an ans were. Stand up for yourself, and stop feeling like a victim, take control. What he did, was bad and you did not deserve that, if something was wrong he should of told you about it, instead of running around. Keep your eyes open all the time, this affair happened, and it was more than sex, and how long did it take you to find out? I am not attacking you, just telling you, ask the right questions, demand an answer and don't keep quite. You will hate yourself, for letting it go so easy, without knowing. Strike while the iron is hot, don't let things cool off, then it will be too late to do anything about it... Never let anyone even your husband think they can away with hurting you.... I know its painful, I have been through it myself, but after the best thing for you, is confidence. Show him, your strengths and abilities, let him be scared, never show weakness. Don't fold over, just because he feels guilty, or whatever his new motive is...

Answer 3

Hi sorry you are going through this situation.
In many cases, a marriage turns from a relationship into competition for each others time. Both from an emotional and physical aspect. I am married 13 years with 3 fantastic kids. Unfortunately, our marriage has turned from a romantic journey to a friendship and I fear where we are headed. There are three types of people.. those who are emotional , craving the caring and feeding of that emotion and then there are those who are focused on objectives , goals ; Then there are those who are consumed as a parent , forgetting that in 18 years their children will be out of the house and you will be there alone.

I am unfortunately, one of those guys who is emotional and enjoy the romantic side of things. I also would like my wife to feel the same way. I too am on the edge of an affair, I crave the holding hands, taking long walks , hugging , drinking wine and just enjoying each other. I also enjoy the physical side of things.. looking for the spice in the relationship. The combination of the two are awesome and make for a fantastic relationship.

All I can say is look back over the last few years and figure out what each others priorities have been.. you maybe were heavily waited on the family and less on him .. or it was the other way around.. not sure ..

As far as telling you or approaching you.. well.. I bet he did in his own way and possibly was brushed off or did not expect the response. At some point in time you stop and say no more.. I ‘ve not had intimate relations with my wife in 12 months. When I approached her with that fact , her comment was “ no it was back in april , I’m sure of it “ as if that is any better..

Good luck

Answer 4

People do things for different reasons, have you tried asking him why? Of course if he's like my ex you won't get an answer, it'll be something like "I don't know", but I'd ask anyway. I think the people that have affairs do it because one: they need and like the ego boost. two: when a person has an affair there are no ties or baggage with the person their cheating with and third: there are no responsibilities or the stress that comes with having a partner, like money, kids and such. It's easier to stray than to try and fix something. And I don't think it's that he thought the woman was more important than you and your life together, after all if she were he would have left you and went to be with her, it was just too easy and tempting not to.
I think he strayed and you didn't because your stronger than he is emotionally. I hope that the two of you are able to make things work but if it eats at you to much or you start noticing a problem between the two of you or are feeling distant, you should seek marriage counseling.

Answer 5

I'm "feeling you" right now, because I've been there and done that. You know what? It's been a year and a half, and the "whys" and "how could he"s still come. Not as often, but they still do. And no matter what he does, I cannot trust the man. In my case, he's still doing some really crappy things and still lying about other things. At any rate, I'm now at the fork of the road, trying to decide what to do. I do love my husband, but I cannot take the betrayal feelings I still have. I try not to talk about it or rehash it, but for me, I will ALWAYS wonder what he's doing, who with, and if it'll happen again. I wish I could tell you "why" your husband did it, but realistically, even if he told you a heartfelt reason WHY, it still won't bring about the relief you're hoping for....because the problem is within YOU. The bottom line is, he did it, now can you somehow learn to live with it and try to get over it? You are the only one that can truly know the answer to that. You didn't do it to him. I didn't do it to my husband either, and had many chances, then he goes and does it. It makes us feel so stupid, so betrayed. So little. Don't worry about the whys. Worry about where you go from here.

Answer 6

Your husband is not you. Your marriage was crappy, but you didnt stray....that is because you have different values to your husband. When two people get married it doesnt mean to say you instantly become one....It is very unrealistic actually, and once you can accept that your husband is, and always will be a different person to you, then maybe it will be easy to understand him better.....well at least it will make it easier to accept the stuff that you dont understand. He is an individual, and you are an individual. You deal with things in a different way to how he deals with things, that is obvious. Maybe instead of asking yourself all these questions about "how could he?", you should accept that it was his way of dealing with the crappy marriage. He possibly could not see any hope for the marriage and said to himself...what the hell. I dont know why the marriage was crappy, but obviously there was something major for you both to think it was crappy. If this affair has bought you closer together then maybe you should be thanking this woman. Maybe if he never had the affair your marriage would have continued to be crappy until it hit the divorce courts. This affair has saved your marriage, and you can ask and ask why, but it will never be fully explained to you. Like I said, he is different to you, so you are beating yourself up needlessly. He had his reasons why he went with this other woman, and at the time he probably thought it was the right thing to do. I dont know what happened to bring you and your husband back together again, but I suspect it has something to do with you realising yourself how much you loved him and changed your ways too. It takes two to tango...he wasnt happy for no reason. You chose to stay true, he chose to find love with someone else. Why, you ask...probably because he never felt you loved him as much as this other woman did. When you found out about the affair, you probably changed and he knew for a fact that you loved him and wanted to fight to keep him. Whatever has bought you back together, thinking about why he did it, will only pull you away from each other eventually. You have to put some kind of logic into all of this. You cannot be thinking like the betrayed woman because that is too emotional, and when you are too emotional, you cant think logically. I think you know in your heart why he cheated....obviously it had to do with the crappy marriage. He did the wrong thing, sure, he should have worked on the marriage instead of cheating. But like I said before, maybe he thought the marriage was over, and it was just time before you got a divorce. You are not in his head, he is not in your head. He thought it was an option at the time in an effort to deal with the crappy marriage. And you have to let it go, or it will eat you up inside. The main thing is that you have a better marriage because of it. Unfortunately when we suffer an emotional trauma like you have, it is very hard to see the other persons point of view logically because we are too consumed with grief. You have to find your self esteem again, and let this affair go....it has probably taught you both a lot about yourselves.

I hope you both have a long and loving marriage ahead of you. Maybe next time there is problems he will know that it is important to talk about it, not let it get to the point where he feels the need to find someone else. You both have learnt a very important lesson it seems...thats what you have to hang onto, not the doubts, not the questions. It has happened, you cannot change it. Use what you have learnt and turn your marriage into something so solid that it will never happen again.

Answer 7

Here it is....the reason....all bullsh#t aside......Most men do this because at some point in a relationship they have to find out if they can still turn another women's head....still got the charm....the difference between us and women, they can control themselves ( most of the time).....we can't once we get an eye from a different women , a flirting glance, anything will automatically activate the launch sequence and theirs no turning back......we have to hump something, any woman, even just humping air............Yes... .........We are pathetic. Lust is the hardest emotion to control for a man. Testosterone and machismo-ism are two key factors that still keep us at Neanderthal Man levels. The good thing is, if you make it past 10- 15 years of marriage......we fall apart, we get fat, loose our hair, and realize that buy this time, that a woman's Vagina are all pretty much the same, and pretty much all feel the same, and in most cases they pretty much all look alike....ahh yes.. Willie Nelson.... And by this time,there is no other woman that would want us! And there you have it.....Men.. what fragile little boys we really are................I have crossed the forbidden zone of all manliness......... I really think God knew how important our Women are to us......Its just to bad most of us guys don't know what we have till she is gone.......

Answer 8

I agree alot with the first answer given. I don't know anything about your marriage but if he had come to you it probably would have ended in a fight. I mean we can't except someone telling us we aren't fulfilling a need. I'm thinking he never wanted to leave you or maybe not even have the affair but he was in a corner not knowing what to do. I'm not defending him though ok so stay with me. I'm just saying if it had been much to the affair he would not be with you right now working this out. I think we all take each other for granted in marriage I mean and after years go by you begin to know what you can and can't talk about without a fight. I think he probably thought he could fill his needs elsewhere and still be married to the woman he truly loves and all would be well. I am glad to hear that things have gotten better for you both,I know it hurt you but i think you both are doing the right thing. I wish you both well and talk to each other as much as possible. I think this book would be great for ya too, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

Answer 9

Simple. People want to cheat because they want/need something they don't get from their current partner.

Now, whether or not they actually do depends on the moral fiber of the person, and their dedication to work through their problems with their spouse.

The fact that he knew her for 6 months, or hell, 6 hours is not relevant. At the time, she filled the need. He didn't go through the effort to fix the problem with you. It's like a carton of ice cream. You know you shouldn't, and it'll feel good at the time, but you'll pay for it later. One way or another.

It has improved your marriage because it has forced you both to confront the problems that caused it.

Who she was was probably not important. He just needed someone. He likely never intended on leaving you.

EDIT: Less heartbeaking? Yes. Fun and easy? No.
People often take the fun and easy route rather then the rough and righteous one. You know that. People who let their id take over rather than let their brain guide their decisions.

It is a reflection of the weakness in his character and your marriage. It doesn't mean it can't be fixed.

Answer 10

This was a wrong choice on his part but he is over it now and regrets it so you have to learn to forgive him and move on... Do not keep bringing it up and bugging him about it as this will only cause more pain and slow the healing process for the both of you... Have you both tried marriage counseling yet? Do not worry about the hows and whys... Let it go and let God heal you and the marriage. Do not live in the past and look at today and the future and focus on that. It sounds like you may need help and counseling to get past this. You seem to be in alot of pain and aggravation from it.


http://www.drphil.com

Answer 11

I'm very sorry you are still in such pain over your husband's betrayal. Unfortunately, all too often there is no answer to the question, "why." Give yourself time to heal, and recognize that it will take a while. You may want to read "Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Your Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Good luck, and God bless.