She wants kids, I don't...?

Question

I'm 27 and my wife is 25. We've been married for a year and half now and have been having problems. I feel as though we can work through most of the issues, but are stuck on kids. She wants a family someday and I want nothing to do with kids. I asked this earlier and got a bunch of "you should have talked about before you got married" answers. Before we married, I thought I'd want one someday, but now three years later, I've grown and realized I don't want kids. I have too many goals in life to acomplish first. What should we do? Should we stay together and hope one of us changes our mind in the future? I don't want to hold her back from what she wants in life.

Answer 1

Well...you changed your mind. That's not really fair to her, and this isn't like a trivial subject to dally around with. If I were her, I'd be extremely upset about it.

Luckily, you're both still young. What you need to figure out is whether you'll want kids once your career goals have been met, or if this change of heart is permanent.

I respect your wanting to establish a solid career foundation before having children. I did the same and am now looking forward to being a parent for the first time at age 40. I can afford it, I've researched it heavily, and I have the wisdom to do so effectively.

At 27, I wasn't sure either. By 33 or so, I was positive I could be an effective parent.

If I could offer you advice, it would have to be to search inside and truly determine whether your not wanting to have kids now is indeed a permanent commitment forever, or maybe just you knowing you're not ready yet.

If you honestly can commit to never, ever wanting children...let her make the call. If she leaves you to pursue a family, that is her right.

Then, you should get a vasectomy or something to ensure you don't get anyone pregnant. If you're willing to let a wonderful wife go over this subject, you should have the confidence to get snipped without reservation.

Think about it...

Answer 2

Everyone is allowed to grow and change. However, they are allowed to grow and stay the same as well. I think you need to take another year, get to know some dads and kids and try to picture yourself being a dad. If you still think in a year, "no way no how", you owe it to your wife to have an honest discussion about this. (let her know you are taking a year to honestly mull over it as well). Picture your life with her and children, and then your life without her. Her with someone else and kids and be honest with your self how you feel about it. If you can be honest with yourself about all of that, then you are in the position to have an honest talk with her about what you want, and then what she wants. If your needs do not match up, then decisions need to be made... she does need to be given the opportunity to decide how she wants to live her life... you only get to experience one (at a time if Buddhist) and there is no dress rehearsal! Good luck, you sound like you really do want the best for her!- dd

Answer 3

Well do not have kids for her. Rather, the best thing you can do for her is release her from the marriage and let her find a man who will give her a family.
Don't waste any more of your lives together. You don't want to be like my old boss - married for 12 years like this until they were 35 and then, desperate, she runs out and leaves him for some other guy and is pregnant immediately. They always thought they could "work it out". Wrong.

Let her go.

Answer 4

I would be upset that you changed your mind, because she probably based part of her decision to marry you on whether or not you wanted to have kids. I can understand not wanting to have kids when you are having problems, but to say you wanted kids before you got married and then to say you don't after you're married isn't right in my opinion. She may really love you and decide to stick the marriage out, but think about how hurt and deprived she is going to feel later on down the line.

I would say that both of you need to sit down and talk. You need to ask her how important having kids is important to her. I mean, could she live her life without them or is it mandantory that she has kids? Also, I would say that you are being a tad bit selfish. You are saying that "you" have too many goals in life to accomplish first. You need to sit down and prioritize those goals and put them in order from least important to most important and come up with a timeline of when you will have them accomplished. I mean we could all think of a million things that we would like to have done prior to having kids, whether it be personal or career goals, but whether or not they are all realistic is the question.

Is it that you don't want kids or that you don't want kids right now? I think you should sit down and figure it out. I feel that you owe it to your wife to tell her exactly why you don't want kids at all or at the present time. I definitely wouldn't stay together based on hope that one of you will change your minds in the future because they may not happen. While I can understand your concern about holding her back, you really need to compromise and meet her half way. If she wants a baby, then I would tell her not now but let's start trying next year or after I get my Master's degree, or ... that way she can have something to look forward to. You should keep your commitment as well.

If you just flat out don't want kids and she can't deal with that, then I would consider that the two of you go your seperate ways. But only after you have done all that you can to compromise with her. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Well, stop having sex with her at the moment. If a woman wants to get pregnant, and the man does not, she will get pregnant. Then you will get the "oops" talk.

If you now realize you do not want kids, you should tell her, and respect her decision to leave if she wants to.

There is no compromising when it comes to kids. You can't meet in the middle, either you have one or you don't.

I do not want anymore children. I know this will effect the women I date in the future. I took the necessary steps to insure I cannot get anyone pregnant from now on. In your case, you just realized this. In my case, future relationships will know that I am not and will not have anymore children. And, I don't have to worry about the "oops" thing. If a future GF gets pregnant, there will be some serious explaining to do.

Answer 6

Well, it is true, this is something that you should have discussed, but you are right, sometimes we just change our mind. My thing is, what made you change your mind? And who's to say you won't again?

There is still plenty of time to talk about kids and to have them. Should you divorce her so she can live the life she wants? No, you guys made those vows, you should do all that you can to keep them. If you two are having issues though, now is not the time to be having children, and you can tell her this as well.

One thing that you need to be wary of, if she decides that she wants kids, she's going to have them, I have several friends and some that are not friends who did just that. "what, yes I was on the pill", but they lied, they thought if they had a kid in their life their marriage would be better. UGH!

Answer 7

Explain to your wife that maybe one day you may want to start a family, but theres a lot of things you want to accomplish before you settle down and have a family. If she doesnt understand this, then you may have a problem... being 27 and 25, you still have plenty of time.. tell her you aren't dismissing her dreams of being a family and being a mother, you just have dreams you want to achieve first. Best of luck.

Answer 8

Best you can do is to be honest with her. Tell her you're hugely sorry, but you have decided you don't want children; give her a way out. If she's smart, she will go her own way and find a man who wants a family. If she stays with you, it's her choice, but she will have no one but herself to blame for giving up her dream of having kids. If you're honest about your decision, this puts the ball in her court.

Answer 9

Talk about it with her, or go to a councler to help you work out your problems. I say kids are wounderful, alot of work but wounderful, but i understand how some people dont want them either. All I can say is to go to a councler and work something out or try talking to her n tell her why u dont want kids.

Answer 10

If you DON'T want kids then you are going to get a divorce. I hope your wife leaves you because YOU KNEW she wanted kids and she thought you did too. It is not HER fault you changed your mind. Either have kids anyway or get a divorce. She needs to find a new man who will father her children while she is still young. This is very important to women, it is non negotiable. How would you feel if she said one day that she never wanted to have sex with you again?