Death of an abusive, psychotic mother?

Question

I have a friend whose mother is dying of very advanced cancer. The mother has always been abusive and psychotic towards my friend, her oldest daughter, for no apparent reason. The mother has so poisoned the family against my friend that distant relatives are making occasional, grudging calls to tell her her mother is ill and dying, but there is no contact between the two of them directly. The mother is VERY bad news. Reconciliation seems out of the question, and yet this woman is still my friend's only living parent. Any ideas, thoughts, web sites anyone knows where my friend might get some support, guidance, advice on dealing with this tragic, and about-to-get-more-tragic situation?
Thanks,

Answer 1

Hi, My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic and I understand the situation your friend is in. There are support groups for family members of people with mental illness. I would start there. Here is a great link.
http://www.sssalas.com/ac.html
If she is in hospice maybe an advocate for your friend can get in touch with the hospice and act as an intermediary between your friend and her mom and rest of the family. Only your friend can know if this would be a healing experience or not, it depends on where in her acceptance of their non- relationship she is at, and where her mother is mentally. I do feel that to help with boundaries that there should be a non- family, trained third party present if and when they do "visit".
I am not sure why a parent will pick one child to focus most of their emotional or physical abuse on, but it is well documented that it happens sometimes. There is no way to predict what this interaction may bring, some abusers respond with more abuse, some are angry due to guilt, others ask for forgiveness, if they are capable of it physically or mentally (some abusers just never accept that they are the problem and will continue to blame the victim always). I wish your friend the best outcome for her, please help her get the professional support she needs or will need through this part of her journey! Blessings, you are a good friend!- dd

Answer 2

Just because someone is related to her does NOT mean she should remain in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Most serious abuses- physical, sexual and emotional come from people who are related to us. Sometimes the death of an abusive parent is not a more tragic situation, it is a relief. Making amends should be done with a councelors guidance, and on the terms of the victim, not the abuser.

Your friend should seek professional counseling because mother daughter issues can be so profound, especially when there was significant abuse. If the mother was abusive and psychotic, then there is a good chance that the family who is "poisoned" against the daughter is also psychotic and does not want to admit abuse goes on in the family.

The most meaningful and important relationships are the ones in which your friend is loved and respected. By listening to your friend, and helping her to seek a good councilor- she will benefit the most and be able to heal from the pain of an abusive mother, and the pending loss of her mother- and the lack of reconciliation- which is hard to let go of. Your tenderness and care for your friend is commendable.

Answer 3

About the only consolation your friend will get out of this situation is that she will finally be free. A mother's influence is very far reaching and your friend has doubtless been carrying a heavy load dealing with hostility and abuse from the one person in all the world she is supposed to rely on unconditional love. I know a little something about the dynamic she has been wrestling with. It seems terrible to say, but when her mother passes, she just may be able to breathe a bit easier. It's certainly regrettable that reconsiliation may never be possible, but it's better than suffering the draining, emotional domination and constant negative reinforcement that continued contact would bring. She can at last bury the past with her mother and claim her freedom.

Answer 4

Well, sounds like a bad situation. There are many support groups out there, and counseling may also be an option.

One thing she should do is go see the mother. Your friend should tell the mother that despite all tha happened, she will miss her, and forgives her for everything that happened over the years. This will make your friend feel a little better about how it all ends.

Answer 5

If your friend wants to try to make amends with her Mom before she dies. Perhaps she might try to write her a letter. Explaining why she isn't there for her right now. If she can forgive her Mom for what's she done, then maybe she could tell her that..in writing. This may not do any good for their relationship but at least your friend will have the knowledge that she tried to make things right before her Mom passes. I will keep her in my prayers. and Good Luck.

Answer 6

understand her as a man or woman, yet permit her be attentive to or permit somebody else tell her that your not likely to tolerate it anymore! only remember she isn't abusing you reason she hates you there is often a deeper clarification for those issues! consistent with probability some thing that got here approximately to her at a youthful time... So understand her..

Answer 7

your friend needs to reconcile with her mother for her own sake. not the mothers but, hers. if she doesn't she will regret it for the rest of her life. she will become a bitter person like her mother. as a friend you need to convince her to go. tell her you could go with her for support. yes, it sounds as if she was a bad mother but, she is still family.

Answer 8

There are always two sides to the story. Your friend needs to grow up and see her mother before she dies.