My husband's family.?

Question

I feel like my husband is always defending them against my remarks. He never steps up to them when they hurt my feelings. How can I make him understand. I'm his family and priority over them now that we have married.

For example. On my birthday I wanted dinner and dancing. Instead we went to a party his sister had and the whole family was there. Earlier that day He mentioned it was my birthday and they should bring a cake for later. Midnight came and they were preparing to celebrate his brothers since his is the day after. Some friend mentioned what about her and his bro-in-law said "oh hers is over"

I cried all the way home. Feeling left out and unloved by his family.

Answer 1

Maybe it's your remarks which have started it. Try not making any remarks to them. If they are being verbally rude to you first, make light of that. "That was very rude to say" if they defend their rudeness, remark to your husband "Why are you allowing them to be rude to me?" if he doesn't step to the plate, it's time to serve the papers hunny.

Answer 2

Well, you will first have to start with a more flexible attitude. Then you should make a list of grievances of what his family has done that hurt you. Be specific like,

1. "Grandma Frances said that I was a careless mother when I let our son play soccer in the rain."

Then talk to your husband about why he feels like the grievance is or is not valid. If he doesn't feel it is valid- you can personally stand up for yourself. Call Grandma, or whoever and say, "I was hurt by your comment - be very specific again- and I want to know why you feel that way and how we can get past this and move on for the sake of our family."

If you remain kind and non-judgemental you are more likely to get a good response. If you are aggressive you won't likely get the closure you need.

When we marry- we marry the WHOLE family, and sometimes that can be difficult if his family has a history of abusiveness or cruelty. If they really mistreat you- take yourself out of the situation by not going around them, and be honest and kind when you say, "I did not bring the children by on Christmas because I feel like your mean words are abusive and unhealthy and I choose not to subject myself or my kids to an unhealthy environment. And, if you can be respectful we can try again later...next year..."

Answer 3

Well explain it to him in the way he'll understand, make up a scenerio similar to ur's about a friend when he's not expecting it....

example.. " Sara at work, she was so upset today, she went over to her inlaws.. and they did this and that, and her husband Bob just sat there and let it happen.." and see what he says, sometimes when they can see it at a 3rd party view they have a whole other outlook on the situation.. if that doesnt work, ask him how his father would of handled his father hurting his mom's feelings ect..

your right ur now his immediate family and u take priority over his family now.. if all else fails pull out the bible, there a verse on leaving ur family to become one with ur spouse, and the fact of saying "and to forsake all others" in ur marriage vows , it says to forsake all, not forsake all but for family, or for your best friend, ect.. it says ALL..

good luck its hard trying to get a mama's boy to realize where his responsibility lies and if his mother was worth her salt she would of taught him that his spouse and kids come before all others including her..

Answer 4

I have the same complaint from my wife. This is a cultural issue.

I owe my parents and older siblings a lot for getting to where I am-- good education and financial security. I do not appreciate anybody making malicious remarks about them, not even my wife. And I would not say anything bad about her family either.

So you should not put your husband in between by testing him his priorities. If you are jealous of his family, just admit it and put in the work to earn your husband's love, which you expect should come automatically after you are married but it doesn't.

Answer 5

i know I'm only 15, but my mom went through the exact situation. you cant live like this. a husband is supposed to stick up for you no matter what. if you ever plan to have kids with this man it might not turn out too great. my dad was the same way.his family hated my mom and even tried to get my dad to divorce her. they ended up getting a divorce last summer. primarily because of some of the things his family said about my mom to her face and he didn't say a word to them. think about it would you really want to have to go through this all your life or would you want to have someone who cares for you and defends you even if its to his own family. that's what being married is supposed to be like. not his family against you or vise verse. my mom dealt with this for 17 years and you wouldn't believe some of the problems it brought up. now that they are divorced its alot better, i don't have to hear my dads family talk badly about my mom.divorce isn't the end of the world, its usually a new beginning.
hope i was help, even if i'm a 15 year old.

Answer 6

Same old story. The man is a weenie and doesn't get the idea that his wife means everything in the world.... regardless. Even if you were a bit out of line he should be addressing your feelings. Usually this means that the man is immature and is not able to seperate feelings of family and the woman who CHOSE to be with him, not by virtue of birth.

This is how it works out 9 times out of 10. The women deals with this for years or she stands up and makes the guy realize. Sure there will be all sorts of stuff if you stand up but eventually it will even out. You will eventually get more respect that way. Hopefully your husband will realize that you are the one he is going to spend his life with..... not them. And that he shouldn't take you for granted as maybe if he doesnt work hard to make you happy you might not always be there.

Answer 7

I agree, and I had a hard time grasping that my wife came first before my family once we got married. I'm still learning... I understand b/c my wife felt the same way about me. But i couldn't understand why she kept getting offended, but after a while i came to understand that every woman wants to feel protected and secure. Pray for your husband and don't harbor any bitterness or resentment toward him. Ask God to change His heart and to open up his eyes to see that you are priority over his family. The bible says that a man and woman are to cleave from their parents and be joined together.

Walk in love, and forgiveness and share with your husband how you feel, don't force him to feel the way you do or see that it was wrong but just share with him how it makes you feel when he doesn't stick up for you. The next time the situation arises and it doesn't happen the way you expect, don't get mad, just continue to forgive him.

Answer 8

Quit trying....you won't win this one. It all boils down to control and feelings. He married you, but he lived/loved them his entire life and you have to respect that. Of course you are his family, but so are they. You have to come to some sort of peace or at least tolerance of/with them. Don't try to come between him & his family or make him choose sides...it isn't fair or right and you will regret it someday....trust me on that one. If they hurt your feelings vent to a trusted friend and let it go or stand up for yourself and let them know how you feel. Do not put your husband between you and them. You would not want your husband to do the same to you...think about it! Good luck and best wishes....

Answer 9

I used to have this issue also. I think it is something that you have to take a stance on with your husband. In addition, I would suggest not making comments about his family. He, like my husband, was very close this his family members. They were very rude to me, if telling my husband that we shouldn't get married and if we did that they wouldn't talk to him again. Guess what, they did... Open threats just aren't worth it and never work. Just keep your ground while with the rents. Don't go down to their level of degrading someone. Keep very nice. When they mention something that is rude, you should say something to them about it. For instance, mention that you have been very nice to them and you appreciate it if they didn't mention things such as what they said. It is hard, trust me, however you have to remember that you are an adult now that you are married - just the same as these inlaws. You can tell them when they are being rude. As for your husband, you need to tell him that he is being disgraceful to you. Mention the things that they say that are really hurtful to you and say that he needs to step up to the plate if he wants to keep being married. At first my husband was very afraid of losing me but also afraid of losing his parents. He was more afraid that I would be out of his life since we are madly in love, he learned to pick his battles with his parents. He now stands up for me most of the time. It is still a work in progress however each time we met up with the inlaws he gets better at it. After he does stand up for you, thank him for being so kind. :) Reinforce good behavior with a treat!

Answer 10

Wow, are we married into the same family? My husbands family puts a lot of importance on birthdays, everyones birthday... except mine. Mine came, and I didn't get so much as a "happy birthday." My husbands brother-n-law was treated like one of the children... that hurt me so much.. the best thing to do, and its a do as I suggest, not as I do thing here.. lol don't let it get to you. Tell them they have hurt you, but do not give them the power to do it. You and your husband from now on, plan and do something on the days that are special to you, and if they want to join, then that comes later.

Answer 11

I feel for you. I have a same problem. I have been avoiding his family, and I told him to he can go do anything he wants to do with his family, just don't include me in it. Because if I went to join them, things will only get worse. I tried to be there and do things with them, but it won't work. For now anyway. Good luck to you and me!!