Am I justified or being harsh to the dad?

Question

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and yesterday I was arguing with the dad. We've been together now for 4 years and he treats me great I know he really loves me and the baby, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he doesn't want to grow up or won't take care of his responsibilities. He hasn't finished school or gotten his GED, or even get a job. He's been telling me for what seems like years that he will but still hasn't happened. We've had this argument many times before and yesterday I was finally fed up. I told him that he can come to the appointments if he chooses but other than that I don't want to see him until he gets some of his things together. I want to be with him but I don't want to keep having the same argument. Should I have got about it a different way, or was it fine how I did. Please be nice because he really is a loving guy just unmotivated.

Answer 1

i feel your pain, hon, i've been there. my daughter's father is exactly like that, a very loving man, but he just can't seem to become a functioning member of society that takes care of his responsibilities. he kept making excuses for all of his shortcommings, and somehow he believed that his problems were always everyone else's fault. i kept deluding myself into thinking that our love for each other was enough to sustain our relationship, but i was wrong. i eventually broke it off with him once i realized that i was the equivalent of a single mom who just happened to have a boyfriend. i didn't want my daughter to be raised to think that his mooching lifestyle was acceptable, she deserved to have a father that she can be proud of. since we've seperated 2 years ago, he's continued on the exact same path he's always been on, and now my daughter is calling my fiance "daddy", because he's the only one that she knows. i've told him he can come visit her whenever he wants, but he's only come twice in the past 2 years.

you were completely justified in what you've done, don't ever think otherwise. you've gotta do what is best for your baby, and the last thing you need is another "child" to take care of. i hope that he learns something from this and makes a difference in his life, but i wouldn't get my hopes up about it. best of luck.

Answer 2

I honestly don't know how you have put up with that for the last 4 yrs! I mean, yeah, he may treat you well, but I've learned that I need and want to be with a guy who can at least support himself. I can do it, so the person I'm gonna be with better be able to as well. You're right, any guy with a child on the way and no job obviously is lacking in the prioritizing and responsibility department. I think you were right in doing what you did. Why should you be the only one bearing responsibility? If he isn't gonna be responsible for himself at least, he's a lost cause. You can't go on that way with him forever, you are right, the same argument gets old after awhile if nothing changes. I'm glad at least he's a loving guy, but maybe it has been so you'll stick around and he'll have support? Just a thought... Anyway, good luck, just do as you are, taking care of yourself and the baby. That's all that should matter right now.

Answer 3

If you feel like it's better for your child to not have his/her dad around b/c the dad will be a bad influence, than I can respect that. But you were with him for 4 years, and in that long time you should have realized what type of man he was. If he still hasn't gotten his life together in all that time, didn't you see this coming? Maybe that's his personality. It was your decision to continue being with him, and to have a baby with him. Now you're punishing him for being the same person he's been the last 4 years, which you already knew. You can't be in a relationship with someone and demand they completely change. That's not fair, especially when this is the way he's been all along.

Answer 4

Well you did the right thing. Give him time though. The baby thing might make him move a little in the right direction. But don't wait on him you need to do what's best for you and the unborn baby. Hormones also have a big role in what your feeling. But the daddy needs to be more sensitive to your needs right now and he needs to step up and get a job at least. The baby needs diapers and clothing in the future. If he doesn't start changing his ways soon he's going to be in for a rude awakening and pretty soon you'll get tired of it. The cuteness wears off after a while and after you have a new born baby to take care of. Wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

I think your father is brilliant. Teenagers NEED discipline. Not too harsh at all. **I totally understand what you mean about him being the youngest & having it the easiest, I have an 18yo sister, the youngest of 4 and my mom is just a whole different mom to her than she was to us, she's just so much more indulging and she totally looks at her as her baby, the problem with her is that she got babyed so much by all of us that she is just uncapable of acting like an adult, ugh!! She wants my mom or me to do everything for her!! So to fix this my mom sent her on an exchange program and we're hoping she'll finally grow up, although I don't blame her, anyone would be a baby in his mind if he were treated like a baby his whole life...

Answer 6

I say you did the right thing. I was in that same situation except the ged thing and when I told him that it was over until he straightened up and got a job, he listened and took heed to my words. Another thing that really helped him and I is that we also took a parenting class. It really did help us out alot. Oh and the good news, we have been married for over 6 years and have 3 children. So you are doing the right thing. Hope everything goes well. And btw Congratulations on the new addition.

Answer 7

If I were you, I would have gone about it another way in that I wouldn't have gotten pregnant by a man who hasn't finished high school, gotten his GED, or even gotten a job! He sounds more like a child himself than an adult.

You did the right thing to give him the boot until he gets his life in order. You shouldn't be supporting this freeloader! But I wouldn't hold your breath for him to become a functioning member of society. Too bad your child's father will set such a bad example.

Answer 8

You can't make other people do things. I know you are frustrated. You can refuse to see him but y'all made a child together and if he doesn't take responsibility, YOU HAVE TO!
So stop counting on him to be responsible (he isn't) and be responsible yourself and figure out how you will support the child and everything. You decided to have a baby with an immature man, so there are consequencees to that decision (your partner can't help much because he's immature). So that was your decison. He will change if he decides to change. You can hold the relationship over him if you want, he might change or might not.

Answer 9

Oh, you handled that very well; but, where was your mind 18 weeks ago. Oh, you're one of those dumb boards that didn't know.

I bet you're one of ones that aways say, "It's the woman's body so she can do what she wants with it." Well you're right, and what you did with it was trap a rat. Good for you, if he's rich; but from the sound of you, you're not the smart.

Well, you can always find another one. Try to select better the next time, and don't get pregnant every other day. Oh, I forgot! Do what ever the h*ll you feel like it. Actually, you won't be doing much of that from now on.

It's all up to you now. Obviously you haven't grow up either. You do you're little thing in the courts with him and get other guys to pitch in for a piece now and then or for a period of time; but IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW to make BETTER CHOICES.

Good luck with that. Don't be too hard on him; just as hard as you are on yourself. You really did it, or at least you did too. Where's your job? I'm sure he's willing to stay at home and take care of the child.

Now that you done F'd it up, I hope you can teach better than what you have done.

I really hope you can manage things with him, cause finding another is just as hard and even more filthy. Put your mind straight and depend on that.

Answer 10

While he may truly need to grow up... you are not his mother. If his lack of drive, motivation and general willingness to grow up bothers you then you shouldn't have been with him in the first place let alone gotten pregnant by him. All you are doing now is bringing another child into the world with not one real good role model. Because it is not just him at this point. You made the choice to be with someone who is essentially an oversized child. Why? Are you lacking something that made you settle for less? You put up with this for how many years? While I applaud your kicking him to the curb at present... You needed to stand up a long time ago.