My wife had an affair. Sometimes it's hard for me to come, or even stay hard during intercoure. Because I can't get it out of my head that she cheated on me. The other day I said something that hurt her feelings I didn't mean to. "I can't get turned on by looking at you anymore, I used to be able to look at you and get excited and I don't anymore." What can I do to make this right, I didn't mean any disrespect toward her or her boby.
2007-02-05 06:01:28 · 21 answers · asked by WhyNotMe 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell her that you meant no offense to her physically. That her physical appearance is not the issue. Tell her that when you look at her you are hurt and that you think of her being with someone else and that is why you can't get turned on. You two should either find a way to communicate and talk out the hurt or move on and stop allowing the hurt to be there.
2007-02-05 07:56:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sad thing is that I feel you man. I wasn't married, but in the same position with a past relationship.
Here is the problem. You apparently have taken her back after knowledge of the affair. Once you do that, you can't hold it against her no more. She made a big mistake, that you took her back in spite of. The burden is on you to forgive her and/or forget the affair.
Maybe at the time you thought you could get past it, and it's a noble attempt. But if it is now affecting you physically to where you can't perform with her or even get excited at looking at her, and emotionally where you will say hateful things to her because of the affair - YOU MAY WANT TO CONSIDER A SEPARATION! You can try counseling, but the feeling of betrayal and the thought of another man's hand and other body parts fully on and in your woman, takes a real strong will to get over. I couldn't, so I ended the relationship instead of living a lie and, quite frankly, living in torture.
I wish I could tell you some more positive things, but at the point where you are with this, it sounds like you may already have an idea as to the future of your marriage.
Who knows - maybe separation coupled with time will help you to make a clearer decision
2007-02-05 06:23:57 · answer #2 · answered by Rugah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear that. I was cheated on in the past, it hurt pretty bad because I was faithful. Once the trust is broken, its hard to regain it. You need to sit with her and talk and tell her much this has affected you and the trust you had in her and that it may take you a while to get back to where you were.
As the others suggested, go and get some counselling together.
Its not an easy road to go through. I know once I was cheated on, I never trusted blindly again. I felt so naive for having placed my trust on the person. Every phonecall, or suspicious activity had my radar up. I regretted giving the person a second chance because the person never changed. I just couldn't trust them anymore and things always lead up to arguments and quarrels.
I dont know if anything will ever be the same between you. Its natural for you to feel that way towards her because sleeping with someone is a very intimate action. And if indeed she did so, then you feel like she shared something that was very personal and forgot or discarded your sacred vows.
As for your statement towards her. You only spoke the truth, it may be hard for her to swallow but it is the truth that something has changed and you are not the same. It is to be expected and she has alot of stuff she has to do to make you feel comfortable. If she loves and cares for you, she will work hard to recreate that trust and make you see that she did make a mistake.
2007-02-05 06:18:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to her the way in which you meant it. You weren't being dishonest. I can understand how you wouldn't be turned on by your wife who is supposed to love, honor, and cherish you but did whatever the hell she wanted to without considering anyone besides herself and had an affair. That's her problem baby, she's the one who needs to be apologizing and trying to make it right again. It's up to her to get you going in that special way ... since it wasn't broken in the first place, you'd think she'd want to do anything within her power to make things right again between the two of you. You can't make love to her without the image of someone else being there doing things to your wife that only you should be doing. LET HER KNOW THIS. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. Otherwise, you'll be her lap dog, talking bout some "I'm sorry I disrespected you." Maybe she should have thought about all of this before she decided to screw some guy outside of your marriage. Good Luck man, I hope it all works out for you.
2007-02-05 06:07:33 · answer #4 · answered by msdrdn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your wife posted here because there was a woman posting about that very quote!
If she cheated and you are having these problems you have to ask if you just need time to heal or if you will ever be able to trust her and want her again.
Sounds like you need some time, even though I am a woman, I would be sick to have sex with my husband if he had done what your wife has. I wouldn't be turned on either. I also don't know if I would ever trust again.
2007-02-05 06:15:27 · answer #5 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One day at a time. It isn't easy getting over an affair but if your love is true it can be done. Try not t think about about and I know it is easier said than done as I been there done that You won't forget it but it will always be in the back of your mind. She will have to earn the trust again. I wish you well.
2007-02-05 06:13:13 · answer #6 · answered by pun82224 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Read the book
http://www.amazon.com/Avoiding-Greener-Grass-Syndrome-Marriage/dp/082542013X/sr=8-8/qid=1170702347/ref=sr_1_8/104-5679571-2784723?ie=UTF8&s=books by Nancy Anderson. She also had an affair. This is very difficult for any marriage. If your wife is truely sorry for what she did, you need to forgive her. That doesn't mean you forget, but forgiving will allow you to put away the anger and resentment you feel toward her. Then it takes commitment from both of you to get this marriage back on track. Please don't give up. Too many people simply get divorced and never learn how to deal with such problems. I would really encourage you to read the book. It is awesome. Best wishes.
2007-02-05 06:09:32 · answer #7 · answered by VW 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie your feelings are justified, the woman cheated and you are still emotionally hurt behind it. I'm not saying what you said was right and it's very considerate of you to want to fix the situation. Just sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you are hurt by what she did and just need some time to heal and get over it. It's all a healing process. You have to fix the problem before you can get over it. If you can't ever see yourself getting over it or if you don't get over it, then it's best just to leave her.
2007-02-05 07:04:53 · answer #8 · answered by ladystarrchild107 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You might have not meant to say that to her, but subconsciously, that's how you felt. Don't feel bad about it. This is something that can be resolved through some counseling. It will help you understand why she cheated in the first place. That's the issue at hand, really. It will only work if you are BOTH committed to fixing your problems. Good luck to you.
2007-02-05 06:11:36 · answer #9 · answered by zumi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were being honest and that is a step to rebuilding intimacy even if it hurts someone. You both need serious counseling in order to heal... BE SURE to get an honest reason out of your wife as to why she cheated. Trust is based on honestly - Good Luck
2007-02-05 06:13:53 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋