2007-02-05 05:59:23 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's going to be a long, difficult road. It will be up to him to prove to you that he's worthy of you. If you need answers, he has to give them. If you're insecure, it's up to him to reassure him. If you want to check up on him, he should be easily accessible.
He's the one that screwed up. If he doesn't seem willing to jump through hoops until you are healed from this injury, think twice about trying to make it work. Unless he can PROVE to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is being faithful, your marriage will not mend. Don't let him rush you through this process. If he's unwilling to be patient for you to work it through, it probably won't succeed.
It won't be easy but it can be done. I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater". I think we all make mistakes (some irrevocable), but the one who screwed up has to be willing to pay the price. Remember, YOU are the injured party. Good luck!
2007-02-05 06:07:43 · answer #1 · answered by katydid 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This question hits home. I am currently going throught the same thing. My heart goes out to you. This is one of the hardest things a person can go through.
I have good days where I think this is where I want to be, with my husband. That I can do this, I can get over the pain and we can move on and have a better, stronger marriage.
And there are days when I don't want to do this, he doesn't deserve to be with me, I deserve better. There are times I want to have my own affair, to hurt him the same way he has hurt me. I feel broken and humiliated.
My advice to you is this, if you love him, if there are kids, you need to try one last time. You don't want to quit without being able to say you gave it your all. But don't do it alone, go to counseling together. Work through your problems together. There were obviously problems in your marraige before the affair or he would not have done what he did. Face those problems, face what got him to that point. He has to be willing to commit to the marraige now, make sure that is what he wants. Why waste eachother's time if it's not what you both want. He has to be there for you as you hit your low points, he needs to comfort you, and reassure you. He hurt you in the worst way possible, now he needs to help you heal. It will take a lot of time. But here's hoping in time you can look back and say that you are ok with it and that you are stronger and better than ever.
And most important take time for yourself. Do something for you. If you are like me than this affair has taken so much away from you. I lost so much self esteem and security. Go do something to make you feel sexy and good.
This has gotten quite long and I could go on all day. If you feel like talking email me. This is not an easy thing you are facing and sometimes it feels good to have someone to talk to who has been there and is going through it to. Good luck to you.
To all of you saying you would get a divorce, we all have said that, it changes when you are actually in the situation. So you can think you would leave but you never know until you are there faced with it
2007-02-05 08:32:58 · answer #2 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to have a really good reason to want to repair it first, and that reason is love.
How can real love exist while adultery is being committed? Being unfaithful speaks of disrespect, lack of consideration and anger. They are indications of a total lack of love. The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.
Children may or may not be a valid reason to try a repair. If there is no love in the marriage, then why would you want to bring up a child in that environment? If you try and fake it, the child will know and think what you have is love and then go on to make the same mistake you did in selecting a mate.
2007-02-05 06:13:11 · answer #3 · answered by lunatic 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
YOU can't ... it 'takes two' to 'repair a broken marriage' for whatever reason it got 'broken' in the first place. You need to have 'a very serious talk' with your husband, and you need to 'listen to what he says' just as much as you need to be 'totally honest' with him about what you think and feel. If you both 'really want to stay together' then it will take some time, but eventually you will be able to 'trust him' again ... but if even one of you doesn't want to 'stay together' then you need to see that and get a divorce and 'move on with your life.' STAYING TOGETHER can mean 'different things to different people' so your 'job' is to 'make sure our opinions match' on this ...
2007-02-05 06:25:52 · answer #4 · answered by Kris L 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's a bit of a lack-of-information, generic question. So my answer will be generic.
It depends on the two of you. If you are both committed to repairing it, it usually can be repaired. The cheater has to own up and fix their behavior, and be patient while the other rebuilds trust. The cheated has to be willing to eventually trust again and forgive.
Whether or not they can do so depends on the people, and also depends on the nature of the "crime" in question.
2007-02-05 06:04:55 · answer #5 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't judge or condemn him on the spot. Ask him if he wants to be with you or if he wants to be with the new person. Every relationship is riddled with misunderstandings and mistakes, but the GREAT ones work through those misunderstandings and mistakes. Honesty, communication, listening, and respect will keep the friendship aspect during the breakup of it if not fix the marriage altogether. REMEMBER TO SPEAK WITHOUT OFFENDING AND LISTEN WITHOUT DEFENDING. If you two were meant to be, you two will know. Even if it's you that does 90% of the talking the first time. He'll come around.
2007-02-05 06:05:56 · answer #6 · answered by padiwan2 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you truly think it was a one time thing, then you need to forgive him. It will be a day by day process but, if he wants the marriage to work he will understand that regaining your trust will be slow. Let me suggest a few books: The Five Love Languages (will help you both understand how you each give and receive love), The Act of Marriage and Red Hot Monogamy (will both help you understand sex and how to use it to have a strong and trusting relationship).
2007-02-05 06:08:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You forgive him. Every man out there has committed adultery in their mind if not in actual act or deed. Realize that he is not much different from everyone else, or you, for that matter, as you have probably "thought" about another guy before. Then, when you realize just how guilty we all are, you forgive him, because that's what we do when we love someone.
2007-02-05 06:05:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
There was a man a couple of thousand years ago that said something about unconditional love. It ain't easy, but it is something to think about. Leaving him because of adultery is a condition.
2007-02-05 06:18:23 · answer #9 · answered by bocasbeachbum 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing you must know is if you want to save your marriage and if you find yourself alone in this desire, waiting for the other spouse to make the first move is the beginning of the end. Learn here https://bitly.im/aMmaQ If you are looking for someone to blame or someone else to put the emotional and physical work into saving the marriage, again, it's going to fail.
2016-05-18 04:13:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋