Should I tell my best friend her child is out?

Question

My absolute best friend's son is 8. My youngest is 10, they have practically grown up together. My friends son has an impact on mine each time they are together - afterwards my son thinks it is ok to throw temper tantrums, leave huge messes and never pick up after himself and yes - even steal from his siblings and myself. When my friends comes to our house there are always issues with him following the rules. How can I tell my best friend that her son cannot be around mine until he learns to control his behavior? It takes me at least a week to get my son back on track - I thought maybe he would have a better affect on her son, not the other way around? Is it my son or hers? Help - I love my friend and her little boy as if they were my own family.

Answer 1

actually it's not your son or hers... it's you and you need to be strong
Your son is 10 - plenty old enough for you to sit down with him and explain things. You need to talk to him about his friend's behaviour. By this time he is well aware of what your expectations are and he should follow them.
You might think about asking him to "help" you enforce the rules when his friend is over. He could refuse to play a distructive game, for example, or when his friend throws a tantrum, he could tell his friend "hey, you should know by now that that's not going to get you anywhere". If anything - it will show YOUR friend (his mother) that kids know the darndest things.
Make it plain to your son what your expectations are again, and instruct him that his model behaviour will begin to show his friend that his behaviour is not only infantile, but wasted energy. He'll get far more attention when he behaves, and your son can show him that. Tell your son that his good behaviour, for the time being (like whenever his friend is around) will garner a reward of some kind (a trip to the dollar store, mcdonalds, to the movies etc), or that should his behaviour violate your expectations after his friend leaves, there will be consequenses as it is HIS responsibility to respond to you, not the other way around.
Time to get busy mom. Your son's behaviour is entirely in your hands.

Answer 2

First - Her son is the problem, not yours.

Second- Don't forbid anything. You will burn the bridge very quickly by targeting a friend's child, just imagine how you would feel if your friend told you something like "you restrict your son's freedoms too much and until he can express himself he can't be around my boy."

Believe it or not your son probably is having a positive effect on her little boy, and the best thing I can see you doing is rewarding your son for doing something constructive or well behaved (for example cleaning up a mess) and reward him right in front of the other boy if he refused to help. Don't rub it in too much or you may offend your friend, but it will help boost his good behavior even around his playmate, and will show the other boy the positives of being good.

Time and maturity will show that your son's behavior will win out over the bad behavior of the other boy. Just remember, we get more mature with age, always. I know this will work out, because I was the good boy growing up, and by high school my lifelong friend had come around as well.

Answer 3

Set down ground rules when they arrive and do it in front of the other Mom. Something like, "Boys last time you both played you didn't put away all the toys and we still cant find some things - so please make sure everything goes back this time." If the mom asks you let her know that you had a lot of cleaning to do after the last play date and expect your boy to know the rules of the house and follow them. You shouldn't even have to tell her straight out that her son is the issue. Then with her at least 20 minutes before leaving go with her to the boys and instruct them that it is time to start the clean up and direct the efforts. Starting with something as black and white as putting back toys is the first step to let them know you mean business and hopefully in turn they will learn to respect and follow the rest of the rules. By making your friend part of helping you keep your child in line she will be keeping hers in line too.

It shouldn't have to come down to telling her that her child is not a good influence because the is the equivalent to slapping her in the face and saying she is not a good mother.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

I'd tell your friend that your son has been doin' things out of the normal to start the conversation/confrontation about the boys and their behavior. so with this in mind, you don't have to 'attack' anyone...It does need to be addressed especially the boys being the age they are where the curiosity levels are sometimes out of control...called temptations... a test to see about what's to get away with...deriving from the 'ol line, "Boys will be Boys"....both of the boys will need to have a talk with you and your friend together to get to the bottom of it and get a resolution...some boys at that age will take "No" and not really understanding why...so they find out the hard ways at times...One of the many reasons why parents have to be honest and be able to communicate when raising them. Good Luck and remember, if your friend is a true friend, then she shouldn't have any problems talking about most anything. Even when it comes to raising children.

Answer 5

When my daughter was at that impressionable age, there were friends with bad behavior that she would bring home with her as well. You say this kiddo and his Mom are like family. You need to take her aside, (not the child) and speak to her plainly and to the point. There is no easy way to say "Your kid is a bad influence" but there are issues that need to be addressed. Especially the stealing. If it means the child not come over, so be it. Your friend is being a bad parent by not being more aggressive with his behavior. As far as the wondering if its your kid or hers? Was your child like this all his life, or just when his friend is around? Sounds like the other child to me. YOU also need to put your foot down and discipline your child for the bad behavior as well. An 8 yr old is not a toddler, they know what right and wrong are. If it makes your friend mad, she wasn't much of a friend.

Answer 6

Put them OUT in public- so they have to be observed by others.
It will be crystal clear then.

Both are doing it. 10 knows what they are doing.
8 is pushing the buttons. Each learn good and bad from each other. So keep up the good work and it will "rub off" we hope.

We had a similar thing and we just sat on the sofa and they played games on the TV or watched a movie in front of us.
Since they never compromised or complied.

Also- I learned form Super Nanny and it really works. Make a large poster board of HOUSE RULES 1-10 or less.
Announce it to everyone whom enters your house and stand in front of it with the kids and have them agree to it and SIGN it.

They way TIME OUT or removal of toy, TV, or what ever is expected as a punishment for actions.

I actually told my friend the truth "IN MY HOUSE" I am the boss, I will correct the children and if the situation warrants it, I will have to send them home with their parents if they rules are not followed and they act respectful to all adults in my home.

GOOD LUCK
There is no easy way out of this- You will need to "with out emotions" Lay down the law- A new Sheriff is in town.

Answer 7

Bad traits are something that kids pick up on quickly. Especially if they see their friends doing something that they usually get yelled at for, without any punishment from their parents.

The only thing you can do it sit down with your friend and tell her how it is. Explain to her everything that you just said (as nicely as possible, or course). No matter what you do, you will most likely hurt her feelings, but if you don't want your son to continue exhibiting these bad behaviors you need to put a stop to it now.

good luck

Answer 8

Obviously, there's no good way to go about this. You just have to be very tactful and pick an opportune time to bring it up. Try to do it in person and directly - no letters or passive aggressiveness.

You might want to look at why your son is so easily influenced, since he is older and the 'good' one. It might be beneficial to stem off peer pressure issues sooner rather than later.

Answer 9

Don't point the blame all on her son. Even though down deep you know its her son. But to protect her feelings and your relationship. Tell her you think the boys need a break from eachother cause they are picking up eachothers bad habits.

" Girl I don't know about you, but when my son gets done playing with your boy.. WOW he is a handful. Hard to get him back on track "

Something like ya.. ya know..

Good Luck..

Answer 10

Lmao, you're kidding?! it truly is merely too humorous! we favor "Witch mom" and "B*tch mom" shirts for constructive! And touching on for your question, the eldest has a blouse that asserts "in case you imagine i'm a *****, wait until eventually you meet my mom"-does that allow you to already know something???? ;) at present my boys call me Batman, which I take as a praise, because they love Batman. so that they tell absolutely everyone which will pay interest that their mom is Batman. My 6 y/o says issues to his pals like "do you want a grilled cheese? My mom makes terrific grilled cheese. yet once she forgot to positioned the cheese in". extra frequently than not it is sweet stuff...i'm constructive even as they're older the "it truly is my mom, do not refer to her, pay interest to her, or chuckle at her nerdy mom-jokes, because she's embarrassing" stuff will come ;)