What is to be done if you are not attracted to your husband or wife?

Question

I must say that in my entire 9+ years of marriage I have not had fantasies about my husband..... I would say I need to change and find him appealing sexually.

I have many fantasies about other men, celebrities, famous or powerful men. I find men who are strong the most attractive....

My husband now asks me all the time what I am thinking...I have always tried to keep this secret ( my total lack of desire for him) I need some drastic change here...I cannot get a divorce.

Have you had this experience? and No I have never been turned on by him...sex is very important to me but security is more important...well until now...thus this question.

I did have a talk with him concerning my email friends. He told me to give them up. I said I understood his position and I would move out and get an apartment because I would not stop having fantasies on line.

He then he changed his mind! it was very strange. He has never done that before. So we have an uneasy truce right now.

I don't know how to divorce him and he still remain my friend. He is my best friend I just don't like him 'that' way.

OK...LOL... I am going back to just posting jokes...peace my friends!

Answer 1

Glad to hear you are practical and not mug up what you have. Men have fantasies about other women as well; that's why many porn magazines are sold. The issue is whether people act on their desires or simply accept that as human behavior.

The second issue is why you overwhelm yourself with such desires and questions. You have nothing to occupy your interest? See a counselor about this on your own to find out

Answer 2

Unfortunately it sounds like you settled. Sex isn't going to always be important but a physical attraction to your other half is an important part of a marriage. You can't change your attraction. If you never were attracted to him in the beginning and you still aren't, there really isn't anything you can do short of having an affair if you need sex that badly. Even therapy/hypnosis won't work though it wouldn't hurt to try.

I'm not married but I've dated men for awhile that I wasn't attracted to so I know exactly what you're saying here.. It just wasn't fair to those men or to me. I can't imagine what your marriage must be like.

If divorce is out of the question. Maybe an open marriage so both your husband and yourself can get your sexual satisfaction. It's a little better than going out and having an affair. Both options could bring home some deadly friends but if you're not sleeping with each other, I guess it's a moot point. If no to an open marriage and no to an affair, then good luck in your future.

Answer 3

Plainly put...
YOU MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
Why would make you marry for security?
In a relationship, you have to be attracted to your other half. There's just no way around it.
I've been with the same man for 11 years and we are still attracted to each other. We got married after 6 years of living together. We have been through the good times and the bad. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health, etc. It's all in the vows. If you care so much about your security, stay married, buy yourself some toys, and there you go. And if you still can't be happy, remember that if you cheat, you will lose all of your precious security. Also, try some therapy. But seriously, getting a divorce would be the nicest thing you can do for your husband. It is not fair to him. You can also tell him and be done with it.

Answer 4

I know what it is like to be married for 9 years and to not be sexually attracted to your spouse. In my case, it hasn't always been that way, only in the last couple of years.

Still trying to figure out a healthy way to deal with it. If you find one first, let me know. Maybe it's just a matter of thinking of your husband as one of the strong and powerful men you fantasize about. After all, if he is powerful enough to provide security for you, then that is something.

As far as the fantasies go, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Everyone fantasizes. It only causes trouble when it becomes obsessive enough to interfere with real life.

Answer 5

I think that you are being very unfair. First of all no one really fantasizes about their husband. It would not really be considered a fantasy. Or maybe hes a third person in it. But anyway. What about him attracted him to you in the first place, why would you marry a man that did nothing for you sexually. I think the problem is you and not him. Try looking at him differently and seeing him for the person he is inside if its his physical appearance that is turning you off. I don't understand. Beauty comes from within.
try don't give up.

Answer 6

I think that you need to ask yourself if you are having a mid-life crisis. If so, ride it out. If not, then analyze why you have fantasies about other men who are powerful or famous. Perhaps that is a manifestation of the foribidden fruit. Or, perhaps it is real. Only you know. As for your husband, is he really that unappealing? You must have seen something attractive in him in order to marry him. Think what it was.

Answer 7

Just about every man and woman fantasies about someone else. This is fine as long as it does not lead to cheating on your spouse. A lot of men and women fantasise about someone else while being intimate with one another as well. As long as it doesn't bother the other person it can be fine as well.

Answer 8

Why would you marry some one that you are not attracted to? Was it for the money? Money can not buy everything! If you do not want to get a divorce, then you should just get a bottie-call for the sex.

Answer 9

Looks like you chose security over love. Pretty sad!

Answer 10

You should be used as an example to young adults as "one of the reasons not to get married". You think about the rest.....