Please Review my writing and be bluntly honest?

Question

Adam,
Was supposedly the first man on Earth.
Shouldn’t the name get respect?
Of course all names are open to its flaws,
The name Adam is open to the cruel demise made by mankind,
Perpetrated by youngsters,
It’s like a second grade torture chamber,
Waiting till the next victim
Comes by with a easily picked on name,
To the one that holds the name,
You will go to the shark hole if u get tongue tied
With the basic four letter word,
It wasn’t by choice and not intended to be a mockery,
A bully will push you in the pool of razor sharp needles,
Complimenting the word Adumb.
I know it not’s true and not who I am
But it is still a forbidden word.

Answer 1

Honestly (and brutally) there were so many odd and incorrect grammatical usages that did not make sense - even within prose work. It would take longer to explain the changes or suggestions. I've gone through it to give you some ideas about how I would change it around. It still needs a lot of work. My biggest complaint about your work was the use of "u" for "you". That kind of abbreviated grammar barely belongs on the internet - much less in poetry.



Adam
believed the first man on Earth.
Should not the same name command respect?
Yet somehow grouped with all names,
open to their flaws
the cruel demise made by mankind.
Perpetrated like youngsters
from within a second grade schoolyard,
a torture chamber.
They wait for the next victim
with an easily picked on name.
The beholder, swallowed into the shark hole,
tongue caught in the water filling his throat.
Ah, a basic four letter word.
Not by choice nor for your mockery.
The ever present prey
cornering you in the grasses,
sharp needles pushing into your fleshy spirit.
Complimenting the word Adumb.????

(not sure what you meant by this - adumb is not a word - work this idea out better - is this the word they called you? If so, this is the pinnacle point - make this clearer by putting what they fully said, chant it in your prose over and over - work the rhythm of it, as if they are cornering the reader with their taunting. Then include resolution as to how you handled it, how you got away, and how you felt afterwards, how you licked your wounds. This is the pay off for the entire piece so really work on this area.)

I know it is not true and not who I am
nevertheless, a forbidden word all the same.

Answer 2

I get the feeling that you are being bullied at school or college, probably verbally, due to your name being Adam. You show a lack of self respect by using the pun 'Adumb' being a play on words to signify that Adam is a dumb person. My advice is to stand up for yourself. If the bullies mock your name then mock theirs or walk away. Why not amend your poem thus

Adam,
Was supposedly the first man on Earth
Or at least the first made in God's image.
Shouldn’t the name get recognition?
To be named after the first man!
Of course all names are open to parody and misinterpretation.
The name Adam is open to the cruel demise made by mankind,
That he created original sin, a belief perpetrated by youngsters,
Those who do not understand God's will and purpose
It’s like a second grade torture chamber operated by the ignorant
Waiting 'til the next poor soul comes by with an easily imitated name,
To the one that holds that name,
You will go to the shark hole if you get tongue tied
With the basic four letter word,
It wasn’t by choice and not intended to be a mockery,
A bully will push you in the pool of razor sharp needles that are jibes and insults complementing the word 'Adumb'.
I know it not’s true and not who I am
But it is still a forbidden word.

Answer 3

You said to be honest. It starts off OK, but then gets confusing and meanders here and there to the point where it is confusing. Also, if you are going to use words that the majority of people are going to have to look up, for heaven's sake, spell the simple one's correctly. You will lose any audience you might have had.

Answer 4

Sounds good, found a few errors. course, its' ,until,an easily,if you,did you mean to spell Adam, Adumb in you 3rd to the last sentence? know it's not

Answer 5

Wow, how dramatic. Get over it and stop caring about what people say. Maybe you need to give yourself respect so other can. I know someone who's name is Adam and everyone loves him and respects him totally.