I hurt my wife so much?

Question

My wife posts questions on here a lot since she found out about my affair last year. This bothers me because so many people on here seem not to support her decision to stay with me and work on our marriage. They tell her once a cheat, always a cheat. I can honestly tell you cheating is something I NEVER thought I would do, and I really cannot give you a good reason I did it last year, maybe because I wasso far awy from my family for so long and depressed from working so far away from home in depresing hurricane area, and my wife was depressed and we just seemed to argue on the phone all the time. I was stupid, selfish I can honestly tell you I will NEVER cheat on her again, and will try my best to make it up to her. She claims not to read too much into what the people say on here but I know some of it sticks in her mind, I was just wondering if anyone has worked out a maariage after an affair. I know I deserve any bashing I get, I accept that, but I love my wife and ...(cont)

and just want her to see that all kinds of people have all kinds of reactions, and some of the doubts that she has is perfectly normal. She feels guilty about the distrust and doubt, and I tell her not too. I just want to spend the rest of my life making her happy and we would love to hear from someone who has accomplished that....Thanks! This has really opeed both of our eyes as to what we have and are not willing to throw away our marriage of 11 yrs. Thank god she is willig to try and forgive me. It just goes to show how you just dot realize what you have until you lose or come close to losing it...I will NEVER be that stupid again.

Thank you for the support, we are in counseling and doing great for the most part, but she has days when she doubts her decisions and I tell her this is normal, but these seem to be he days she comes to answers and gets the "so called advice". Should I bring this up to our therapist?

Answer 1

I wish people wouldn't get on here for relationship and serious life-altering advice like that. I read about so many people who say "Should I stay, should I leave," etc. and it's so sad. They're asking a bunch of people who know NOTHING about your situation or your marriage their opinions, giving only one side of the story at that, and then basing whether or not to stay with a spouse or not on that.

Maybe for the sake of your marriage you should say bye to yahoo answers for awhile and work with your counselor, who is trained and actually KNOWS you, instead. I would definitely bring this up to him as it is clearly causing a rift. Good luck to ya.

Answer 2

It is hard for both people to get over an affair-the person who cheated feels guilty and thinks about how they hurt their spouse, and of course the other person thinks about several different things. I think that because your wife chose to let you stay shows that she is willing to work on the marriage. She is probably going on this website because she doesn't feel comfortable in confiding in her own friends or family. I can tell you from personal experience-not that there was cheating involved- I read that you were in a hurricane devestated area, well I live near New Orleans and a lot of marriages broke up due to the hurricane because people could not deal with the depression and the loss of friends, belongings, etc... So I sympathize with your depression, although it was not the right thing to do-and you realize that. Stick with it. She is with you for a reason.

Answer 3

I have been through what you and your wife have been going through. My husband had an affair while traveling 5 years ago. We separated after 2 years and got together again 5 months later and we are still together today. We have been married for 20 years this year. I have to say..that when i found out about his short affair..it hurt me to the core..it made me question all of our history together, what I thought we were together..i questioned my judgement in him and people..i didnt trust him any longer, but I no longer trusted myself trusting him. I felt my life and what I thought it was..was a fraud and my whole world tilted and I was falling..I got depressed etc..

We have two kids togehter and I felt I needed to see where the married could go for them. My heart was not in it for long time..i just honestly didnt care. When you truly love someone with all your heart, you build your life around this person and they betray you, it honestly changes you forever. A part of you dies inside. We have had a lot of counseling. All the feelings she is having are perfectly normal and you both need to talk about them with each other and with a counseler. Staying with you is the RIGHT thing to do if its what is in her heart. No body can tell her otherwise.

But I have to say, I believe staying with a partner that has cheated is harder emotionally than if you were to separate. I believe I took the harder road, but the right road. Your explaination sounds very much like my own husbands and he has changed soo soo much since then, I honestly didnt believe he could change so much. He now is the man I had known all along he could be if he could get past his selfishness and self centeredness. He did get past those issues with counseling. The best advice I can give you your wife is to follow her heart. If she loves you and wants to work it out, then keep working. If she really does not care like she once did, then you both need to move on. If she does not follow her heart, it will come back to bite her. You must know, there is no "getting over it" there is just before and after. Your new marriage will be worked around the fact that there was some really bad times, but good times are in the future. If she would like to email me she may at [e-mail] Good luck to both of you.

Answer 4

I have been in your wifes place and it is hard. My husband agreed to therapy alone and together. It has been many years know and we have a good relationship once again. The best thing we did recomended by the therapist is we date once a month. We are not allowed to talk about what happened or the children just things about us or the movie we say. It was nice to reconect with the man I fell in love with so many years before.
I also spent a lot of time talking to my husband about the way he made me feel. He complained about this the our therpaist saying I was not moving on, the therapist told him to shut up more and listen to me because I would not feel this way if it wasen't for him.
I still have moments where I wonder if he is unfaithful but I say something and he smiles and tells me nothing is worth seeing the hurt in my eyes again.
I hope your wife reads this and takes it to heart because once a cheater is not always a cheater.

Answer 5

I yself cheated on my first husband. HE never found out about it, but I still live with guilt from it. I found out that he was advertising online for an affair on a few adult web sights. Still this does not give me the right for what I did. It has been several years, I am now remarried to a wonderful man, and I still have the guilt. Not to mention the feeling of self disrespect. That I could do something to myself, let alone the one I loved. Now fast forward a few years. MY new husband is very wonderful. HE did though have a problem a couple of years ago. HE said and thought some pretty mean things to me. He was on drugs and was hiding them from me. (prescription drugs) But still addictive. HE lied to me all the time. I was at wits end. How could I ever trust him? How could I erase the pain he had caused? IT took more than a year, but someon gave me some advise. Good advise. First I talked to my husband about things that were bothering me, only things that we had not already discussed. Then I prayed to God. I asked God to forgive my husband and help him stay free of drugs. I asked God to help my husband become a better person and not lie to me ever again. I then asked God to help me get over the bitterness. I asked God to help me understand that what he did was not my fault, and that he is a better man now. I prayed to God for several nights. Now, I feel as though this has been lifted from me. As though God has answered my prayers. Our relationship is amazing. I don't think it would be as well as it is if the past had not happened. You wife needs to get over this, or your marriage will fail. THe two of you need to sit down and talk about everything. Be completely honest, answer any questions she has. Even if you do not want her knowing details of the affair, if she wants to know tell her. IT will help her get over it better, because the unknown is what eats you up. Then pray to God. Ask him for specifics about the hurt. Ask him to help the two of you grow closer, etc. Show this to your wife and see what she thinks. Feel free to email me if needed. Life is hard, and I believe you are remorseful. Maybe she does not see the remorse. I didn't for a long time. Good luck.

Answer 6

I have only been married less than a year. You guys have been married for 11! That is really something! I say that your wife should forgive you! But then again if it were me I would feel really hurt if my husband cheated on me! You sound like you really feel about what you did. I think you have learned your lesson! But 11 years is a very long time to be married these days. That is something you should fight to keep!

Answer 7

Forgiveness is the first step - it is a CHOICE. The feeling of forgiveness will have to catch up to the choice. Pray about it and GO TO COUNSELING TOGETHER. Don't push her - you broke her trust and her heart. It's going to take a long time to heal. IF you are truly sorry and if she is truly willing to forgive you, you will get past this. But you are going to have to give her space, and she is going to have to accept that what's done can't be undone - she's got to choose to forgive & forget if you're going to make it work. Didn't you both vow "for better or worse"? That's the problem with most marriages now a days - nobody takes their vows to heart. As soon as "worse" comes, they bail!

Answer 8

I believe you. I believe you had a weak moment. And I believe you when you said you would never do it again. But the hard part is to gain your wifes trust back. You hurt her and it will take a while to get over that hurt.. It could be a long time.
You have to understand what shes going through. It's very hard when the one you trust and love does this.
Hang in there and show her you love her everyday. Good Luck.

Answer 9

For you to come on here and give your side doesn't make the situation ANY better. You cheated and that's that! In a few years you'll get in another situation and you'll think to yourself that "well I did it once and she forgived me so she'll forgive me again"! I would never ever forgive my husband if he cheated on me, NEVER! You want to know why? Because think about it..while you are getting "in the mood" with the other female you have sooooo many opprotunities to think about what you are doing! Taking off each other's clothes, kissing each other, talking to each other, touching each other...do you see what I mean. I have no pity for you at all! I just can't believe that you are that big of a pig that in the middle of disaster and being away from your wife that you still felt the need to have sex! Just like when there were females being raped in the super dome during Katrina, why are men such f'ing pigs...they still needed sex after seeing their lives being destroyed right in front of them...PIGS! I know there was a thought that went through your head at least once while you were having sex with someone else. I hope she realizes how stupid she is for staying with you and divorces you then takes everything you have.

Answer 10

Some relationships CAN overcome this type of betrayal, but I don't think it's very common. I think it just depends on how well you know each other and how hard you try to work through your problems. Don't try to sweep them under the rug. Deal with them. It will be YOUR responsibility to soothe your wife's hurt feelings and be patient and reassuring. Don't expect it to be over with tomorrow just because the affair is finished. You don't earn back someone's trust over night. It could take your relationship years to recover from this (if it ever does). But it seems like YOU'RE willing to try. If SHE is, you're half-way there.
GOOD LUCK!!