I learned several months ago that my longtime friend (known each other 32 yrs.) carried on an affair for 7 years. His wife, who became a very close friend of mine too, told me after she discovered it last year.
She has not told him that I know, and I have not spoken to him (they live 1,000 miles away). This month, he will turn 50. For all the years of our friendship, I have sent him a card and/or called him on his birthday. I don't know what to do this year. Ignore the day? Send a cryptic card that says, "I hope your 50th year brings everything you deserve?"
I know the situation is none of my business. But it has been a huge loss to learn that someone I considered to be a wonderful person is actually a reprobate. It's the length of the affair, and all the lying and deceiving that must have gone on, that I can't get past.
I have no reason to doubt what his wife told me: once she discovered the affair, she said he admitted it, but supposedly ended it.
Any advice? Thanks.
2007-02-05 04:26:33 · 14 answers · asked by meatpiemum 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Continue to be a good friend. It's impossible to know what drives a person into another persons arms. It's also hard to judge without walking in that persons shoes. This isn't to say he was right or wrong it's to say that without being there, there is no way to know why this happened or whose fault it was. I'm aware of a situation like this. I know it isn't right, but I can also completely understand why it happened. Sometimes when people are caught up in a situation like this I think it's hard for them to see clearly. It doesn't mean that either one of them is a bad person. Again, that's not to say that cheating is OK. I think every situation is individual and who knows what's really going on behind the scenes. I hope this helps. Best wishes to you.
2007-02-05 04:37:44 · answer #1 · answered by Night Wind 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No offense....but it sounds like you are only hearing the wife's side of the story. And true it really isn't any of your business. You really shouldn't call your friend a snake yet, after all do you know why he did what he did? If he is your friend of 32 years than maybe you should not jump the gun. I would keep sending him his annual birthday cards...no cryptic cards.......maybe get together with him for lunch or an email at his work or even a phone call and ask what is going on. You are suppose to be friends......he probably couldn't confide in you because you became friends with his wife. what ever the reason, I am sure it's a good one, one way or another.
2007-02-05 04:41:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, I can understand your reasons for being upset to hear of this from someone you have known so long,but in truth its like the old saying goes.You cant truly judge someones reasons for what they did until you walked a mile in their shoes.There just might be another side to this story that you know nothing about.Believe me, I have seen this before and even though she may not be lying about it, she may be leaving out a very important part of the story.You did not live with her,or him or know the real relationship behind the two of them.Even though it is still wrong, it just maybe that he didn't wish to destroy the home life of his kids and family by ending his marriage out right even though they may have not had much of a relationship.I know everyone always says "well, if you are not happy then just get a divorce and then go find someone new" In truth it isn't how it always happens.some times you end up falling in love with someone even though you never intended to and therefore make choices that are not always looked at as admiral.Just remember one thing,Your friend is human and capable of making mistakes and bad choices.If you truly think of him as a friend at all you should let him know what you know and give him the chance to express what he feels and was thinking.Don't just assume everything is what its said to be and be ready to throw him under the moral bus.
2007-02-05 04:47:02 · answer #3 · answered by vmaxer85 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have had your friend on a pedestal too long.
It is time to kick out the blocks under him and bring him down to earth.
We are not perfect.....We are not all good people.
we make mistakes... we don't respect ourselves or our partners.
As a female befriending a male, the situation is different than female and female.
Females confide and tell all, guys don't.....
I think if this situation has truly changed the way you feel in your heart about him, I wouldn't send the card.
knowing this situation and sending the well wishes , you are condoning his behaviour.
You can't play two sides of the coin.your conscience won't let you.
If you are going to be her friend then you need to let go of the tie between you and him.
Decide on who you trust and then go with that. Once a liar always a liar.... once a cheater, always a cheater.
I think it is time to do a little housecleaning here.
If he asks you , be honest, and be truthful and up front with him.
He is not only loosing out on his marriage, but now he has lost favour with a long time friend.
Idiot.......
2007-02-05 04:58:18 · answer #4 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it's hard to deal with this knew knowledge, but I've found that the best way to deal with it is ignore it. You said it's been going on for 7 year, and you sent him a card in the last 7 years, right? You treated him nice when you didn't know about the affair and it was happening, so treat him nice now that you do know about the affair. I bet he's not the only person that you know who has got a secret that would affect your opinion of them if you knew about it.
2007-02-05 04:32:14 · answer #5 · answered by saram 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If his wife can forgive him and go on with their relationship, then so can you. You are not his wife, and if anyone has a right to be angry with him it's her. You should just send the card like you always do. I know it is difficult not to judge, but put yourself in his situation (sorry) for a moment. Would you want to lose a good friend because of an error in judgment. What if everyone decided to treat you as if you had leprosy? How would you feel knowing you may never be able to atone for this mistake--ever? Be thankful that you haven't been tempted and failed and continue to enjoy your friends better qualities.
2007-02-05 05:29:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Track down the evidence and if there is none then there is a possibility that this is a lot bull crap. He needs to evaluate what he wants, what he is willing to forgive and move on toward. Some people cheat, thats a fact. But is he willing to forgive her cheating and still be with her? That's the question. He also needs counseling. No body is worth losing your life over. I have never heard of being able to be in love from the grave.
2016-05-24 18:24:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I wouldn't want to be friends with a cheater, and I can't comprehend someone who takes a cheater back- especially after a SEVEN YEAR AFFAIR?? He is not the man she thought he was. I wouldn't continue the friendship with him.
2007-02-05 04:50:03 · answer #8 · answered by Danielle A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it is hard, but try not to be too judgmental of the situation and the person. You don't know his specific circumstances. He probably still needs your birthday greeting, just as he always had...give him the benefit of the doubt, sister.
2007-02-05 04:32:05 · answer #9 · answered by X me Out 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If his wife forgave him and their still together and your all still friends, I suppose the rightr thing to do is carry on as if you didn't know.
Make the b'day card less emotional than usual. If your not feeling good about his crimes, then forget his b'day all together.
2007-02-05 04:32:13 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋