Husbands, do your wives treat you like children?

Question

My husband told me last night that he's unhappy with everything in his live. He hates that I made him move here, that our children cry alot(they're 3 & 1), and that I treat him like a 5 year old. We moved here 2 years ago, I thought it was a joint decision, but now he tells me otherwise. The kids are just kids. I didn't think I treat him badly, but I feel terrible to hear this. I wouldn't have married him if I knew he lacked dreams and goals in life. He's happy with his low paying job and collecting material things that he quickly loses interest in. I want a house, to be able to pay for our kids college, retirement, etc. He sometimes says he does, but then quickly goes back to his usual ways. I don't want to get divorced, but I feel so behind. He always talks about all the sacrifices he has made, but doesn't realize that living substandard is a sacrifice for me and the kids. I think I may treat him like a child because I feel he's being so careless & selfish. What should I do?

Answer 1

1) Tell him that if he hates that the children cry a lot, to learn how to comfort them and play with them in ways that make them happy. An old saying: "It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness." In other words, if you don't like something, then do something, anything, about it.
2) You married someone with little ambition, and now you want him to change. Marrying someone expecting him to change might just be the #1 cause of divorce. Get over it. He is who he is. Manage the money you have as wisely as you can, and don't worry about your husband's discarded toys. (By the way, you might want to mine his collections, with his permission of course, for sale on Ebay.)
3) "I feel so behind." What does that mean? Does it have to do with your "substandard" living conditions? Behind whom or what? Substandard to whom or what? You would do well to stop basing your happiness on keeping up with the Joneses, or else with whatever is your perceived needed lifestyle. If you rearrange your priorities you will be much happier. Live in the real world, and stop concerning yourself with how things "ought" to be.

Answer 2

Hate to be negative but I truly don't believe that these problems have just now popped up. Most people ignore warning signs before they get married.

If you have a problem with your husbands low paying job why did you marry him? you are a control freak and your husband is a project. You are trying to build him into what you would like him to be instead of who he is. Well your married now with *TWO* kids, and your saying that this is all new to you? I don't buy it!

You married him and it sounds like he's the same guy you married and now you want to make him someone else. That's not how it works.

Answer 3

You have to communicate clearly with each other about your "plan" for your life, marriage, children.

If you don't have one then you could create one together.

Each person has to know exactly what the other wants and is clear on that, and not with their own interpretation of it.

You have to remember what inspired you to marry your husband, and be that way with him, remind him of what you saw in him and that he is capable of anything.

Acknowlegde his sacrifices, they may not be sacrifices to you, but they are for him.

Build him up to be the man you always saw him to be...otherwise you will have a resentful, selfish 5 year old and a frustrating time ahead.

Answer 4

Well to answer your up-front question, yes, my wife does. She only recently realized it and has began seriously addressing the problem.

You and he have different ideas of what makes you happy.

I suggest you not go anywhere near complain about his job. If he is happy and pays attention to you all, that should be good enough.

As for material things, here is where you can make some headway. Try to include him in the budgeting process and make your goals clear. Find a compromise. Set limits.

Your definition of 'substandard' living is not clear to me, but if you set these financial goals as your definition of happiness, you will divorce eventually.

Answer 5

I can tell you are young so I will be gentle with you. Men are simple creatures and tend to live for the moment. They like to whine and complain until you feed them and give the a warm place to sleep and yaddah. You might shake him up a little and tell him you feel it is time to move on without him as the children are being deprived and etc. He has to start growing up sometime and the longer you put it off the more painful it will be for him.

Answer 6

Don't let him take you down, he is acting like a spoiled little boy. He should be taking responsibility for himself but instead is blaming everything on you. Was he wrapped up and packed in a box during the move? No he was with you on the move and now he is whining like a baby. Tell him to man up or get out, things are not going to get better if he continues to act like this.

Answer 7

You treat him like he acts if he acts like a child you will treat him like one. If you want to parent then go ahead and do so just go get a job and support all of the family. Substandard and sacrifice are a two way street and you could pony up and pay smoe bills.

Answer 8

You need to leave him. It is an absolute negative household and will effect the child horribly. Being poor (as long as it has food and shelter) is better for the child rather then seeing his mother get beat along with himself. In my opinion your husband is a incopetent selfish stingy vile peice of crap. There are places where you can go, such as safe homes for mothers and children (assuming your in the u.s.a.) and you can absolutly call the police on him if he ever harms you! Violence in the house will lead the child to learn to be violent as well and in the long run will cause major problems throughout his life.

Answer 9

You should read 'the care and feeding of husbands' and he should read 'no more mr. nice guy.'

You treat him like a child because he acts like a child so you treat him more like a child so he acts more like a child ....

You two stop need to reinforcing bad behaviour, start both being the sort of partners you should be, reinforce good behaviour, and both be aware of what will happen if you take advantage of your partner's lapses.

Answer 10

Honey, you don't have two children, you have three. Your husband sounds extremely emotionally immature. I would look into counseling if you really want to salvage your marriage- most cities have low or no cost counseling available. Good Luck!