My 21 YR. OLD IS SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO IS NOTED IN MY SPACE AS A SWINGER.?

Question

I have told her that under our roof this bvehavior is not acceptable and must stop. She says she is 21 and its none of my business. The worst she is a psy. major and she met this slime while intering at a childs behavioral clinic where he works and portrayed himself in the begining as not attached. Now he says he is in an open marriage. Sat. she was home and claimed to be going with her friends. When I called her phone she didn't ans. Moms intution told me she was with this slime so I retreived my cell records got his # called and told her to come home! Of course she is furious and needless to say didn't come right home because this slime told her that he could have me arrested for stalking if i show up at his house or harrasment if i call again True or not anyone know. Anyway My husband (who still doesn't know) and I pay all her bills and now we will be paying for grad school next year. I am furious with her and do not want to push her closer to this weirdo. Please can anyone help me!

Answer 1

You're in a nasty spot, pemouna. GOD, and can see this kind of BS coming with my own daughter someday...and she's only 12! It scares the hell out of me.

My first knee-jerk response would be to tell your 21-year-old grad-school daughter to grow on up if she insists on playing with adult. Wanna be an adult? Well welcome to the adult world of paying for your own tuition, rent, food, utilities, insurance, car payments, etc., etc., etc. She wants to be an adult, but insists on playing little-girl high-school games. Lying to your Mom about your whereabouts? Using your Mom's cell phone to call a boyfriend you know she hates? Sorry, princess, but that's just not going to fly. (I'm a big talker now...lets see where I'm at in 10 years...)

One thing I'd like to say: my husband and I are swingers, which is not the same thing as having an open marriage. "Swingers" engage in non-monogamous sex with other like-minded people, usually in the presence of one another, and ALWAYS with one another's full consent and encouragement. Now I know that doesn't make you feel all warm and cosy, because it absolutely disgusts most people. But I just wanted to mention it because if I'm right, this guy, who describes himself as a swinger yet has an open marriage, really is a sleazebag. Telling someone to disrespect a well-meaning parent is just not cool. Has your daughter ever met his wife? Does his wife have full knowledge of his whereabouts and goings-on? If you answer no to any of these, the guy is an out and out CHEATER, and an opportunist pig. Swingers abhor cheaters. If you don't believe me, visit http://www.swingersboard.com and do a search for threads using keywords like "cheater" or "cheating". They give us a very bad name and the reception they get is...shall we say...a tad frosty.

Anyway. Off my soapbox.

I think your best bet would be to find a compromise between the "tough love" approach and "Mom love" approach. Give her the space she needs and deserves as a near-adult, the room to make decisions about her own life, but outline your boundaries VERY firmly, and let her know that the help you are giving her now is because you love her...not because you owe it to her. You don't owe her anything. She is insisting on making it clear that "she doesn't need you". If she wants to continue with that attitude, she can expect you to cut the purse strings. Otherwise, you're not doing Princess any favours by enabling her to use you however she sees fit. You can't do that to people out there in the real world. No one out there owes her anything either, and Mr. Man will move on when he finds another pretty piece of a**. No one stays young and gorgeous forever, and while it may help her to pay for grad school for now, she'll pay the price down the road. Time and Gravity takes their toll, and there's never a shortage of pretty women. She's not the love of his life. She's just convenient...for now. Tell her you love her enough to teach her this lesson, to prepare her for a life that's a lot harsher and colder than the one she's known up until now. She's worth so much more than the golddigger she's about to make herself into.

I don't know. She's still very young. She's bound to make some serious mistakes in this decade. I remember how stupid I was when I was 20, 21. OMG. Scary. But the upside is that I'm now 31, and I'm smart enough now to look back on my idiocy and think to myself "What was I THINKING??" lol

Just love her, and be there when she needs your ear and your shoulder. But just make sure you let her know she's got her own two feet, and she needs to learn how to use them. Sincerely wishing you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Let me ask this: has she had any previous dating or sexual experience before this man? No? Then there is a problem. I am all for dominate/submissive relationships between two consenting adults that know what they're going to get into. (As a new submissive, she would not realize that ultimately she is the one in control - a good dominate backs off and escalates only with their submissive's say so.) It also doesn't sound like she really agrees with his values but is not saying so to not make trouble in the relationship - which people new to relationships do. I am a little concerned for this girl because of her inexperience and the fact that it sounds like her hubby lives a dominate lifestyle instead of it just being part of his sexual identity. I'm worried she'll be unhappy but will put up with it a lot longer than she should because she's afraid of making waves. However, I cannot fully stand by this since I do not know the ins and outs of the relationship. Stand by her, be her friend, and be there if things should fall apart.

Answer 3

Well, she is 21. She is not 16. She is an adult. Her personal life really is none of your business, even though she still is living under your roof and you're paying for her education. There comes a point in every parent's life where they go from being "parent" to "adviser" and you have to let them make their own decisions and their own mistakes.

You on the other hand are trying to control your daughter's life. Your behavior is neurotic and obsessive about your daughter. I mean come-on! YOU CALLED A COMPLETE STRANGER TO TELL A GROWN PERSON TO COME HOME?!

This "behavior" is not acceptable to who? You? What about her? When does she start living her own life? I know what you'll say... "When she moves out of our house." But I doubt it'll end there. You'll butt into her life until the day you die, ruining her life and every relationship she might ever have.

My mother did the same thing to my little brother who was doing things she "didn't approve" of. He was 32 at the time (see what I mean that it doesn't end). It got to the point where when she didn't know where he was and if he didn't answer his phone she'd start incessantly calling his employer, his friends, and all of the family to find out where he might be. It got so bad that she couldn't even hold a job anymore because she was totally obsessed with my brother's whereabouts and his activities.

You need to get out of her life and into you're own. This is really a matter of control over her because it is some control you have. This has nothing to do with her well being and everything to do with yours.

Answer 4

This is a good time to let your husband know what's happening. You are very right, while she's under the roof that you and your husband has provided all her life, it is for you to dictate what will and will not be allowed.

Maybe it's time for her to think of where she is going to say and who is going to pay her bills. If she's old enough to make decisions and do what she wants then maybe she should go look for another place to live. I know you don't want to push her closer to him but it might be just what she needs. Once she has figured out that you aren't going to pay for her keep any more and that creep isn't' going to pay, she'll come back home with an apology and you'll be done with this married man thing. I've been through one of those "open marriage" things once before and once he saw that someone better was with her he got mad so the "open marriage" thing is just a line to get what they want when they want it. I will never ever do the married women thing again.

First step is talk to your husband but break it to him slowly so he doesn't go off and kill someone who deserves it.

Now, you can take the word of these kids on this board or listen to someone who has been 4 years to college, been married and I'm 50 years old. That has to say a little about my experiences.

Answer 5

You can't control someone else's behavior so you might as well stop trying. You can express disappointment and focus on letting her know how you feel. But, she's an adult and,as much as you want to save her from being hurt, some things have to be learned by doing. You can't protect her from life.

Paying for school is a separate and discrete issue. You've made a decision to do this and whom she's sleeping with isn't relevant. Continue to fund school if you think it's a worthwhile endeavor.

She'll tire of this guy or, more likely, he'll tire of her. Until then, beyond expressing your disappointment - how her behavior makes you feel - there's little else you can or should do.

As for the stalking charges - no, calling him to look for her is not stalking.

Answer 6

First, do you know any of her friends that would be willing to talk with her and explain to her that this is only going to end in heartache or WORSE.... she is too mad to listen to you so, don't even try it. I would suggest an outside source and give her some space. In time, if she continues to disrespect you, you have no choice but to start cutting the finances. YES, a very tough call to make but, in the end she will come to her senses!! A head strong 21 year old is one of the toughest cases (besides a headstrong teen female!!!) I trust this phase will pass but, not without some harsh words and sleepless nights! Oh the joy of being a parent!! I wish you the best and remember to remind her that you love her, drop her an inspirational card, text her, tell her... whatever works, just keep reminding her that this is all in her best interest!!!

Answer 7

You answered your own questions at the beginning of your post: "under our roof this behavior is not acceptable" - you need to tell her to move out. Grad school or not...job or not...she's 21 she CAN maker her own decisions...but she needs to be living as a responsible adult, not living at home like a teenager with an attitude.

Put your foot down and insist she find quarters elsewhere. It will be tough...you'll worry...but you can't live her life for her and you can't keep her from making major mistakes. All you can do is set boundries. If she chooses to cross them, then the consequences must be allowed to happen or she'll never learn.

Good luck

Answer 8

It's understandable how you feel. But she is 21 years old and she can do whatever she wants.This is her decision,whether a good one or a bad one.You need to cut the strings and realize she is going to live her life the way she sees fit.You are to over protective.I understand if you are paying her college tuition,but why are you paying her other bills? She's not a child anymore. As long as she's still doing well in college,don't worry about the other stuff,it's her life.You will never be able to make her change her mind.She will have to do that on her own,don't push.If you are completely adamant about her not seeing this guy,then make her move out on her own.But you will never be able to tell her who she can and can not date.

Answer 9

Time to stop pussy footing around the problem and do the "tough love" thing mom.
She is 21, so you can't live her life for her.
We, as parents sometimes don't realize we want to life what we missed through our children. OR we expect them to be just as we were. We can't do that. We were given these children through the the love of God. We don't own them, they are only lent to us for a number of years.
You will push her closer to this man if you keep interfereing.

It's now or I should say, it was time much sooner to have her grow up and get out in this world and see what it is really like to pay your own bills. Then she would be more thankful for your money and her education.
It's a bad time to start making her pay her way, because she will think your doing it only because of this man, but in a way you would be, because of him.

Your going to have to make a choice in your own heart on what to do. You can't stop her from seeing this man, just because you gave birth to her and because you are paying her education and allowing her to live at home.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Some people are really book smart - can earn college degrees, ect - but have no common sense. You cant learn that out of any book. And unfortunately, your daughter is right about being 21 y.o. and legally you cant do anything - except just cut her off financially and kick her out. I'm sure it would be hard for you but it sounds to me like she is a spoiled brat who just needs a wake up call. It may be the best thing for her, then she will realize the extent to which you have helped her.

Answer 11

I raised six daughters (3 bio & 3 adopted). The bigger a fuss you raise and the more you say the more she will "show you" by playing hide the pickle with him just because she is so smart and you are so dumb. Heed my advice little cricket. Smile and say nothing; procede with your life and ignore hers (this will drive her nuts); think carefully about paying "all the bills" and "grad school" (doing this cost me over a 100K for no apparent result) as sometimes things they have to pay for themselves they will appreciate a little more. Rest assured though that you and she will be thicker than thieves when she passes the age of 25.