Should I stay or do I go??

Question

I've been with the same man for 15+ yrs. Within the last 1 1/2 yrs. we've had alot of problems. We have 4 children and I don't have anyone to help, as far as family. He says I put him in misery, and at times I am there, too. The kids have seen alot of fighting and hurt, but I don't know if I should leave....even though hubby tells me to get out. I like the comfort of having my kids happy, but I hate the tension and lack of respect and care. I think we are more like roommates than anything else. He can't deal with ghosts from the past, and I can't convince him that I know I made mistakes, and feel sorry. There has been alot of fighting and even violence between us.....and still he says I don't know what it's like to hurt. My mistakes happened long before our kids were born, so I don't want them to pay a price for me. They have already seen and heard too much. I just don't know what to do. The clincher here, is that hubby wants me to leave, but he still wants to go out w/ me.

Thanks 4 the many responses so far....let me clear this up, though. I am not wanting more children. I adore the ones I have, and would never consider leaving them. They will go with me if I do leave. (I have been the main provider in the family; I take them where they need to be--school, sitter, activities, etc.) Also, I am not wanting to keep/hide the children from their father. I'm looking for some advice not criticism, also. I know there are people who get their jollies from being rude & cruel, but I'm just looking for some insight from unbiased listeners.

Thanks again. It's reassuring to hear different opinions, and to hear from others who "have been there".

Answer 1

I think it comes down to what is best for your children right now. With that, I think you are thinking in the right direction when it comes to that but you need to think a little more.

Furthermore, it sounds like your husband has shaken your confidence and with that -- he seems to be calling the shots right now -- and you are listening. THAT IS A BIG CONCERN TO ME. When we do what other people tell us -- instead of what is right for us -- we always make mistakes!! You must determine what is best for you and the CHILDREN -- first! Then you take whatever actions are appropriate.

Furthermore, no one should ever tell you to go anywhere. Leaving is your choice!!

What you need to do is sit back and take your husband out of the equation. I think you are correct in assuming this relationship right now as it exists is unhealthy for you and your children. With that, putting your husband aside -- what is BEST for the CHILDREN and for YOURSELF??? Put yourselves first -- and then make your decision.

I don't think it is right that you just leave the children and go. This will only cripple your confidence even more, give more unnecessary power to your husband to run over you emotionally and it WILL HARM your children emotionally to feel they've been abandon by their mom!! Think about it. I know you are wise enough to see this, you've just lost your confidence. I know this will feel true to you.

If you feel it is time for a divorce, you need to start taking the steps to a) get a divorce b) find a way to live on your own with your children -- by either staying in the house and working out a separation agreement with your husband -- or finding your own place.

Start taking baby steps, listen to your inner voice and let it guide you. Don't be ruled by pressure from your husband, or your insecurities. Stand up and be proud -- you are a good person today, you are doing the right things, you DO care about your husband -- and your children -- with that -- you will work and fight to do what is best for all of you -- even if your husband isn't willing or capable.

You can do anything you set your mind too -- with little baby steps and a time line. Start planning now :)

Even as a stranger, I have the confidence that you can do what is right here for you and your children -- no matter what. If you believe, you will!

Answer 2

I think you should stay, AND stop fighting. It takes two people to argue, and if you quit arguing, he won't be able to. Stop discussing your past mistakes. Next time, and every time from now on that he brings it up, kindly and lovingly say, "I have apologized and repented, so there is nothing more I can do. If I can help you with your pain in any way, please let me know." And then drop it and say no more. If he tries to press the issue, just patiently but firmly say, "If you can tell me how to help you get over this, I will do it. If not, there is no longer any point discussing it," and then leave the situation. I say again: stop arguing. Walk away. You are letting him sucker you into engaging in his "I'm hurt" guilt games. So, stop playing that game. Additionally, treat him with respect, and occasionally show him an unexpected kindness or generosity. Be respectful even when he is not. A change in your attitude and behavior will result, within a week or two, in changes in his behavior.

Answer 3

You know, Dr Phil always says it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one. I grew up in a home where there was violence and arguing all the time. The sad thing is that we learn how to have relationships from our parents relationship. I don't know if your kids are really happy or not. Why not sit them down and talk to them one day about how they feel if they are old enough. Have the 2 of you tried any type of counseling? It would probably help you to see things clearer even if he's not willing tio go. Do it for yourself and your children. Whatever you decide in the long run, I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Just leave without telling him when and where you are going. Stay gone for a week or two, and see how he likes that. He'll either change his mind, or divorce you. Either way, I think the shock will straighten him out by just leaving. :) Did for me and my wife when she told me she wanted a divorce. I just left 1 hour after she told me on line. She'll never do that sh*t again.
You made it this far with 4 kids, don't just give up. Just disappear for a while and see what that does.

Answer 5

I cant tell you whether to go or stay. Im kinda in the same spot and no matter what people tell me to do, im not gonna listen to them, im gonna listen to my heart. No matter what has happened with me and my husband I still love him more than anything.
If you love your husband and he loves you, why dont you try some counseling? If he wont get help, then talk to him. If he cant forget the past and forgive you, then do what you need to do. You cant be with someone if there is no happiness. I dont know, do what makes you happy, you need a happy, peaceful life. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make

Answer 6

After 4 kids? This was not the way things felt before bringing others into your problem. Sounds like you want another child?

Answer 7

i think you already know the answer to that. it would probably be healthier for everyone if you left. it's never good for the kids to see all of that fighting. especially if it has become violent.

Answer 8

What makes you think your kids are happy? You think someone's happy watching 2 people fight? I'm sure you can probably answer your own question!