Is "tough love" a legitimate concept?

Question

Or is it a family's way to cop out?

Answer 1

It's a pile of dog poo honey, my nan brought me up with tough love. I ended up being a quivering subserviant mess. Love should never be negative. Positive reinforcement and warm love with a bit of assertiveness thrown in is fine. Tough love - tough crap

Answer 2

For some families it's a last ditch attempt to help their child, most likely an out of control teen. We've been through this with my stepson who will be turning 18 in April. He has always been a wild child. Diagnosed with many things early on such as ADHD, ODD, Borderline personality disorder, etc. He has always been on multiple meds and was seeing a psych several times a week. This kid was just totally uncontrollable. His mother drank heavily while pregnant with him and he was born early. Anyway, he went through intense 'tough love', boot camp, detention centers, youth offender institutions, etc. and is now in a prison and has been there over a year and will be there until 2008. I do not believe tough love helped him for the most part and in fact can make some kids even more resentful toward the people trying to implement it. We certainly didn't 'cop out' with him. We tried everything to help him but he just got worse with each attempt. Perhaps it works with some kids.
I wouldn't say it would be a families way of copping out though. It isn't an easy thing to do to your kid and if it has come to that point the parents are probably grasping at straws trying to help their child. Of course keep in mind tough love should not involve any type of abuse or neglect. Some people think it's about that and it is not! Children of any age shouldn't be hit, screamed at or cussed at, called names, be ignored or have their basic needs neglected. Tough love actually involves a lot of patience, caring, understanding and a great amount of love for your child.

Hope that helps, take care!
Tori

Answer 3

It will get your kids to respect you and maybe learn responsibility. I personally don't think it is the best way. I think a parent should be loving and caring and help their kids as much as they can. Don't yell at them all the time or hit them. Sometimes if they are really I mean really bad they might need a slap on the butt with a bare hand to get their attention, but I feel that you should anything and everything you can before you resort to that. If you discipline a kid you also need to tell them why they are being disciplined and ask for an apology. There are so many ways you can get your kid to love you and respect you at the same time. I think that each parent should come up with their own way of raising kids not all kids are alike what works with some kids wont work with others. I was raised on tough love, I got yelled at a lot I also got spanked with a belt when I was real bad, and I do love my parents but to this day I can't handle getting yelled at I turn into a "scared puppy" when I get yelled at and I am 33. My parents made me work for everything I got that taught me responsibility but I still feel there are better methods out there. I think you can be friends with your kids too but according to my dad it is better to have the kid respect you than be their friend.

Answer 4

Although someone could use it as a way to cop out, I believe it is a legitimate concept when used correctly. It means that when you love someone, you want what's best for that person, and (especially with parent/child relationships) what is best for the person isn't always what they think it is at the time, so you have to deal with the fact that it hurts them a little right now to avoid hurting them a lot in the future.

Answer 5

Tough Love is a legitimate concept and from personal experience I can tell you it works. I have used it on a family member with a serious addiction problem and am happy to say after a few months we had very positive results. The family mamber checked himself into therapy and cleaned himself up. It's been 6 years.

Answer 6

It can be legitimate, if the person experiencing the "tough love" cannot change the behavior on their own. For [an extreme] example, a drug addict may experience "tough love" if the family commits them to rehab. They may not wish to go to rehab voluntarily, but it is in the person's best interest that they receive the treatment which could save their life. It is also in the family's best interest, as the drug addict could prove a destructive influence to those around them. Case in point: my sister-in-law was addicted to marijuana and cocaine. She shared her habit with my brother-in-law, and though she is now clean, he has become not just a user, but a dealer. As he is not willing to change his behavior, I must show him "tough love" by keeping him away from my [5 and 3 year old] children. I do not want them to see his addiction, or worse, become involved someday.

Answer 7

What do you do with an eighteen year old who disrupts the whole house-comes in stomping after eleven o'clock; mouthy and disrespectful. Grades-down; family members-the person in question doesn't talk right to them. Our family dubbed it eighteenitis, but it goes further than that because of all the havoc. They want to sprout their independence but in today's market of rent ridiculous on what kids make ($7-$8.50 hr) it takes two! So then we have shack up not marriage. Protect them from that?
So enters tough love and the contract of how you will act at home. There is a difference when they are gone; it is called peace and quiet.

Answer 8

Yes. It is a very effective way to show a child parents love them, but will not tolerate disobedience and bad behavior. Many kids today who get in trouble must realize the parents still want them and tough love is a corrective measure when intervention is needed to help keep a child on the right path to prevent criminal or other misbehaving activities occuring

Answer 9

It can be. Some people learn different ways, and if you can't get through someone with reason or example, it might take a "tough love" shock to make them realize whatever the family wants them to understand. But without knowing the people and the circumstances, it's impossible to say whether it applies in this case, but not that one.

Answer 10

No, I believe it is true, because sometimes you need to sacrifice for the sake of some one else ie treating them so they like you vs. treating them so they will respect you and become a better person for having known you. Love is not making some one happy all the time, but rather what is best for them. I think love is always "tough" because it some times makes you do difficult things, when the non-loving thing is always easier to do but not always easier to live with afterwards.