Married for 18 months, no sex with husband?

Question

Hi, can you help? Please don't say councling, because my husband never goes to them. Married for 18 months, had sex maybe just for 12 times, me not having an orgasm, becasue he doesn't care that I have needs too, so he doesn't do foreplay, talking dirty in bed, position changing, kissing passionately, touching me, nothing, all those 12 times, I initiated it with giving him all the pleasure, which was even after a very frustrating complaint from me and threatening to leave him if he doesn't have sex with me. I have tried all the ways possible, tried to seduce him , talk about it sensibly , tried to please him in any way so that I may get sex, but he doesn't have any sex drive full stop. Now I just can't pretend any more that everything is fine, because it's not. I used to have a very active sex life before marriage, and for me marriage was "end of pleasure". If I don't want sex, he could be the best husband ever: respectful, kind, faithful, devoted. But how can I ignore my needs?

He is not into porn, not gay, not seeing any other woman. He is just too close with his family, mother and sister who had the same problems, no sex drive and they drove their husbands crazy.

He loves me, doesn't want to lose me at any cost. And even those 12 times, in 18 months, he accepted to have sex, just because he realized it's too serious and I will surely leave him if he rejects me sexually again. But apparently, every time I have to get really angry, make a very big fight, treathen to leave him, and then he may accept it like a child. But I am fed up with this senario, and I need a healthy two way intimacy!!!

And just to let you know, I am 28 years old and he is 32.

Answer 1

You are not isolated here. Your situation is becoming more common among married women, all thanks to a sudden downfall of male libido. But let's not beat around the bush here by giving you reasons as to why men are losing sex thirst after marriage. You can always get loads of articles on that if you Google it up.

The bright side to your story, upon which I am focussing, is that your husband is kind, respectful, faithful and devoted - as believed by yourself. If he is so, then he would not probably turn a deaf year to your agonies for a long time. It makes me wonder if there is a terrible lack of communication between him and you when it comes to 'your needs'. You have mentioned though, that you have tried many ways of seduction and play, but may be you have not actually made him aware how frustrated you are !

So, as the last hope and effort from your side to bring things in order, try explaining to him your situation as assertively as possible. A man should not be explained these things as it's his responsibility to see and realize that his woman is so disappointed and unsatisfied because of his lack of mutual interest. But that is all you can do now. And since you have waited a long time, you are not obliged to pursuade him for anything and you certainly have the right to fulfil your basic needs. So, you should neither feel embarassed nor guilty if at all you need to be prepared to see your divorce lawyer.

Answer 2

Hi there,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible delicate situation especially you are still considered a newly wed. I want to be very honest and frank with you: I am a man and I know when these things happen there is a reason behind them (and there are many believe me). As a man, sex is a big thing and it is not normal or usual for a man not to ask for sex (especially from his wife). If he doesn't care about sex (or at least that's what he tells you) it means 2 things: He is having sex with someone else (an affair) or he is a closeted Gay. In both ways you are the victim. What I would suggest to do is the following:
1- Try to have a calm conversation with him and try to expose the situation.
2- Try to reason with him why you two did get married at the first place.
3- Try to see what is his position and what does he thinks about sex.
4- be attentive to every word he say( don't make him feel you are investigating him)
5- depending on the atmosphere I would even go farther to ask him: What do you want me to do? I am a woman and have needs. If you won't fulfill them the world is plenty of men who are ready and willing to do so.

Keep the last point till the end and I hope you don't have to ask it.

Once again I wish you all the luck. If you need any advice don't hesitate to email me.

Answer 3

And they say there isn't life on other planets! This guy has to be from some other world! This just isn't right. Forget whether it's normal or not, it's just wrong! I'm normally very predictable in my advice. If the guy cheats, leave him, if not, don't and work on the relationship, however.... I think I sympathize with you. Plus I really don't see a change without years and years of expensive marriage counseling which never works anyway! So it's time for me to break the mold and say leave him! God will probably smack me good for this, but this is just too much to deal with! An affair puts you in the wrong, just go for the divorce then next time make sure the guy likes sex. That's just too weird a statement! What guy hates sex? Are you positive he's not gay? You know if it barks like a dog and scratches like a dog, then you probably have a dog! If he acts gay then......? You decide sweetheart!

Answer 4

You have asked us the question here but at the same time you have tried to cover every answer people are likely to give you.

If you have talked to each other about this, don't want or need counselling and are in love as much as you say you are then I guess its possible that he could have either a medical / mental issue that prevents him from having a healthy sexual relationship.

However some people are naturally just not highly sex'd, and not much can change that. If this is the case then there is not much more you can say or do. You either accept this and be happy with him the way he is or move on.

You may not be compatible and you cant force yourself to be compatible with someone.

Good luck, but like I say by trying to cover every possible answer to your question , I think you know the answer to this yourself deep down.

Answer 5

My thought on the subject could be that he's suffering from depression. I know you've only been married 18 months, but has a major life event (new home, new job, etc..) happened to you both in that time.
There's a book that I'd like to recommend you read:
"Does your man have the blues?" by, Dr. David Hawkins

It helps understand male depression and how it can affect your relationship.
I'm sure that if your hubby sees you trying to make an effort in your marriage, then eventually he'll come around, and try to make the necessary changes to improve the relationship.
Just be patient, I know that its easier said then done, but do read this book, before you make any drastic decisions.
Another approach would be to see a Dr. about this sort of stuff, you'd be surprised as to how many people have this same problem.

Answer 6

In a relationship, you cannot ignore your needs or else you are going to become insanely inneed of someone else to please you. You have tried talking to him and it does not work, well time to say good bye before you waste 5 or 10 years and it gets worst, then all he will say is "you knew from the beginning, why are you complaining now after 5 years. I will never change." Best advice, start finding someone else because I know that there are other guys his age that are like him and have really big sex drive and are really into pleasing there women. My boyfriend is 35 and I am 24 and he has really good sex drive, very loving, caring, puts my needs before him and all the good things you can think of, except going to church. Good luck.

Answer 7

You do not say how old you are nor how old he is. If you are both under 50, this is really abnormal. He needs physical by doctor. If nothing wrong is found, he needs to talk to you whether counselor is present or not....
He could also be depressed, too stressed on job, or maybe he's just a jerk who thinks sex should only be you pleasuring him. (the last is less probable cos you say you intiated sex; if he were only concerned with his needs he would be asking you).
This is a big problem and threat to your marriage because you are not happy with things the way they are. If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself and talk to a professional, or at least a clergyman or woman.

Answer 8

Take a break away from him and the situation. Go a way for a week with your pals or spend time with your own family. Maybe, he just needs to know that you are not a doormat. If when you come back from your break he isn't any different then you need to have the strength to talk to him about it and let him know YOU WILL LEAVE HIM if he doesn't sort this out.

Maybe he is enjoying your attention. Try ignoring him and see how he likes it!

Answer 9

Hi Staceytiger You are obviously a very patient & caring woman to put up with this situation for so long. Unfortunately no matter what you do, it will not change a thing, the reason I say this is because your husband refuses to admit to himself that he has a problem. You say you have tried talking etc.& various things have all failed to get him to respond or even acknowlege that he has a problem which is seriously affecting your relationship. Sadly this makes me think that there is an underlying emotional/mental problem that runs very deep. It is remeniscent of denial behaviour in people who have been abused as a child, they don't want to acknowlege thier actions to themselves & therefore would be the last thing they would want to admit to. ( especially to a potential partner ) & the secret becomes locked away, unfortunately like a guilt consience it pops up when you don't want it to, then out of habit it becomes easier not to confront it. He may also fear that to confront it he may lose you & so tell himself that he is protecting you from a worse situation. I am not suggesting that this is the case but obviously his behavior is not normal, he may be hiding the truth as a safety mechanism He may respond to individual private & confidential counselling rather than to go as a couple. ( I have experience & can help professionally if you would like me to ) Sorry I don't want to come across so heavy but you both need to lift yourselves out of this depression & try to stay positive. mail me any time if you want to talk in confidence & let me know how things are going I wish you both all the best

Answer 10

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