Married for 18 months, no sex with husband?

Question

Hi, can you help? Please don't say councling, because my husband never goes to them. Married for 18 months, had sex maybe just for 12 times, me not having an orgasm, becasue he doesn't care that I have needs too, so he doesn't do foreplay, talking dirty in bed, position changing, kissing passionately, touching me, nothing, all those 12 times, I initiated it with giving him all the pleasure, which was even after a very frustrating complaint from me and threatening to leave him if he doesn't have sex with me. I have tried all the ways possible, tried to seduce him , talk about it sensibly , tried to please him in any way so that I may get sex, but he doesn't have any sex drive full stop. Now I just can't pretend any more that everything is fine, because it's not. I used to have a very active sex life before marriage, and for me marriage was "end of pleasure". If I don't want sex, he could be the best husband ever: respectful, kind, faithful,devoted, but how can I ingore my needs?

And he doesn't look at porn also, and he is not gay, I think the problem is his family. It's common in his family. His mother didn't have sex with his father, father always complained and cheated on her because of this. His sister doesn't have sex with her husband, And he is very close to his family, I mean very close.

We have spoken about it alot, he knows exactly how I feel, but he can't help it, he tries to ignore this fact as much as possible, and if he is forced to respond, he will accuse me of being a sex addict.

Answer 1

Your marriage will eventually end you cannot live like this, but be careful, if you sleep with someone else it will be you who will be judged as breaking the marriage up, get out of it before that happens. It is horrible living like that and he should have the decency to move on and let you find someone who wants you. My advice would be however much you cling on waiting for him to change is is inevitable that you will break up. Good luck but do not do anything silly.

Answer 2

Hi there, I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible delicate situation especially you are still considered a newly wed. I want to be very honest and frank with you: I am a man and I know when these things happen there is a reason behind them (and there are many believe me). As a man, sex is a big thing and it is not normal or usual for a man not to ask for sex (especially from his wife). If he doesn't care about sex (or at least that's what he tells you) it means 2 things: He is having sex with someone else (an affair) or he is a closeted Gay. In both ways you are the victim. What I would suggest to do is the following: 1- Try to have a calm conversation with him and try to expose the situation. 2- Try to reason with him why you two did get married at the first place. 3- Try to see what is his position and what does he thinks about sex. 4- be attentive to every word he say( don't make him feel you are investigating him) 5- depending on the atmosphere I would even go farther to ask him: What do you want me to do? I am a woman and have needs. If you won't fulfill them the world is plenty of men who are ready and willing to do so. Keep the last point till the end and I hope you don't have to ask it. Once again I wish you all the luck. If you need any advice don't hesitate to email me.

Answer 3

Hi Staceytiger
You are obviously a very patient & caring woman to put up with this situation for so long.
Unfortunately no matter what you do, it will not change a thing, the reason I say this is because your husband refuses to admit to himself that he has a problem.
You say you have tried talking etc.& various things have all failed to get him to respond or even acknowlege that he has a problem which is seriously affecting your relationship.
Sadly this makes me think that there is an underlying emotional/mental problem that runs very deep.
It is remeniscent of denial behaviour in people who have been abused as a child, they don't want to acknowlege thier actions to themselves & therefore would be the last thing they would want to admit to. ( especially to a potential partner ) & the secret becomes locked away, unfortunately like a guilt consience it pops up when you don't want it to, then out of habit it becomes easier not to confront it. He may also fear that to confront it he may lose you & so tell himself that he is protecting you from a worse situation.
I am not suggesting that this is the case but obviously his behavior is not normal, he may be hiding the truth as a safety mechanism
He may respond to individual private & confidential counselling rather than to go as a couple. ( I have experience & can help professionally if you would like me to )
Sorry I don't want to come across so heavy but you both need to lift yourselves out of this depression & try to stay positive.
mail me any time if you want to talk in confidence & let me know how things are going

I wish you both all the best

Answer 4

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Hh72O

Answer 5

Your husband needs help. There may be a number of reasons for his low sex drive including genetic disposition, depression, poor diet, smoking or lack of exercise/fitness, stressful work etc.

Just read your addition - Sounds like genetic disposition then. Some people (and it does run in the family), just have no or little drive although I think he is being selfish ignoring your needs. Just because he does not enjoy it does not mean you should both go without, he should make more of an effort.....and thats where my advice stops because I have no idea how you can make him do that, sorry.

Answer 6

If he is unwilling to fulfill (or even TRY to fulfill) your basic human need for sex, he is far from "the best husband ever". He obviously knows by now this is a major issue for you and your marriage. If he is unwilling to try to get help (counseling or meds), then you must make the decision that is right for yourself. Can you live a lifetime without the intimacy that a loving relationship should bring? Doubtful. It's not right and it's not fair. You are not wrong for wanting a passionate, sexual relationship with your husband! He obviously has major issues...do you want children? This is something else to think about. Even if he has sex with you to conceive a child, do you want someone with a possibly traumatic sexual past raising them? You need to do what's best for you and if it means leaving him, so be it. Life will go on.

Answer 7

You have to way up between your 2 Worlds
That of a Happy Marrage in all aspects bar one

and That of a Happy Sex Life

Clearly the your Two Worlds do not go together

Apart from taking a Lover
Which is the World that you see for your Long Term Future

Answer 8

ok, sex is not a physical need. not like eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. I'm a very firm believer in that. No one NEEDS sex until they have it the first time, so how can it possibly be a physical need? Its more of addiction. NOT need. Like drugs. Use meth one time and ur hooked. But its not a physical need. You never needed it until you took it, how can it be a necessity to life? I think its pretty terrible that some people would divorce over lack of sex. Thats pretty pathetic. So either tell him you want that LUXURY more often, or back off some. You won't blow up and explode from no sex. I promise.

Answer 9

You can't ignore your needs and nor should he BUT maybe he just doesn't need sex!

It is not unheard of for women and men to have no sex drive!

You may just have to face facts that he will never change or get a sex drive - you can't force the issue I'm afraid!

He may see the relationship as being all fine and rosy - just no sex involved in it! You won't be the first or the last to have this issue!

Only you can decide what to do!

We are here to help!

Just read the additions bit - sad - but you aren't going to change him I'm afraid! We are here if you need us!

Answer 10

You will have to make the decision. First, think what is the most important in your relatioship. If you think the relationship is great without sex, then don't divorce him. You only need to understand that he's just like that. If sex is more important to you, you will need to be honest with him. Getting a divorce is okay as long as you both agree. It will help you with you next relationship. Cheating with another man while with him is not a good approach because it will create more issues.