OK, I don't know what to do. My wife has never had much interest in a sex life with me. I've tried everything I know and I've never had a relationship that didn't have a healty sex life, but this one is desolate. I was lucky if we had sex once every month and a half. Now, though, it's been 5 months and nothing. I've tried talking to her about it, but she just says she'll try to do better and then nothing changes. Whenever I try to initiate it she just pulls away. Don't say divorce...not an option.
2007-02-04 16:21:20 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Prayer
2007-02-04 16:23:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If she has had a child during those times, it is very possible that is the reason. I went thru the exact same thing when i was married. After I had my daughter, I lost all interest. I saw it happening but couldn't do anything about it, needless to say I am divorced now. I was to embarressed to ask a dr what could be done. I loved my husband I just didn't want to have sex.period. There was like a lightbulb that blew in me that couldn't be changed. My advice to you, do not push her it will only make things worse. What you could do is, take a weekend, relax with her. Don't be obvious sex is what you are wanting. Fix yourself up, nice cologne nice clothing, take her out for a nice dinner, maybe a few drinks. Then when you get home, do not approach her. Do that for a few weeks, don't try to give her any idea you are wanting sex. Do nice things, but don't overdue it or be obvious. Help around the house, keep yourself available and attractive at all times. Just don't be tempted to keep trying untill you try this for a while. It takes time, but as long as she doesn't feel pressured you may have a chance...I know it's difficult to understand. It's not necessarily you the problem, but look at yourself and see what has changed since all this started. There maybe a way to rekindle what you both felt when you first got married. But pressuring is just gonna drive her further away. Counseling is probably a sure way to find out if what is going on. Of course, if it's affordable. She is probably under alot of stress, such as financial, job, or family life is concerned. Be an outlet to her, let her know you are there...I hope some of this helps. Good luck....
2007-02-04 16:47:28 · answer #2 · answered by justright73 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I've been through similar...
Sometimes you have to stop and think - hey maybe its me! below are some of the things that really helped me... alot.
Improve your own personal appearance.
Start cleaning the house, dishes, help with kids, etc.. often and on a regular, reliable basis - basically, take a significant amount of workload off of her and keep it up and don't quit.
Compliment her on the job she does, how she looks, how she smells.
Initiate intellectual conversations with her.
Have quiet alone time with here. Do seperate crosswords - or sit and read together.
Take her on a trip, preferably a secluded cabin with a jacuzzi.
Take her on dates. Make a big deal of it and take her out and treat her like a princess.
Don't keep begging for sex. This is not a turn on for her. Stop asking. Find a better way to initiate sex. Start with kissing and hugging and don't try to get in the britches too fast. Take it very slowly. give her a massage. rub her feet. run her a candle lit bubble bath. Hold her.
Post-partum depression is real - and there is treatment for it - if she's had kids in the last 5 years. Could be anxiety/depression - treatment exists for that, too. Go to the doctor with her but stay in the waiting room so she can speak to the doctor freely.
If you are having any money problems, get a second job. My wife sees me busting my *** 7 days a week/12 hours or more a day now and I really don't think there is a bigger turn on for a wife than a big fat pile of cash for household expenses and even frivolous purchases.
Basically, take a very careful look at your life and ask yourself if you are doing your job as a good husband in all aspects of your lives. Make sure that you are helping her in every way you can - even if you think something is a "woman's job".
If all this fails, you should really seek marital counseling - and maybe even therapy or medication.
2007-02-04 17:38:43 · answer #3 · answered by j_mang 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like her well-being is out of whack right now. People (women especially) are sensitive to body or emotional changes that can lead to an abnormal sex drive. Being overweight, smoking, using drugs, or eating a lot of unhealthy foods can basically stunt the normal sex hormones that make a person want to have sex.
Is there any area of her health that stands out to you that might be keeping her out of balance? If so, try to find a way to fix it. If she is overweight and inactive, start making her take walks with you after dinner (just don't tell her what you are doing).
It could also be emotionally caused. If she is pulling away, I am guessing she has some issues she is not deaing with. If divorce is not an option, than counseling MUST be. It is not fair to either of you to keep on in a marriage that is hurting you, not making your life better. If she refuses, then you should go to counseling alone. Maybe she doesn't want to improve her life, but obviously you do, and seeking professional help is a great way to start.
2007-02-04 16:29:48 · answer #4 · answered by MissM 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes. I know what you mean. My husband is the less sexual one in my case. He says he'll try to give more effort, but then --- I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, tomorrow, I swear tomorrow, no, I need to be in the right mood, it's been a long week....
Perhaps we should just accept the reality that we are married to less sexual partners. It has been frustrating and then you have to reduce your expectations in order to be less disappointed. But the truth always persists, and that is you are simply just more sexuall than your partner.
Of course divorce is not an option. But it strains the relationship as sexual tension is, after all, physical tension.
So what do you do? Do you fear that you get frustrated to the point that you may end up having an affair? If you do end up having an affair, can she be blamed for not meeting your needs?
You are who you are. She is what she is. What is the solution to this problem?
Communication. You really need to force her to discuss this issue with you and tell her that it is important to you. It becomes dangerous if she ignores it long enough and you may end up looking for 'fulfillment' somewhere else. There may be a deeper issue here other than just her being less sexual than you.
Talk. You really need to start there. If that doesn't happen, consider counselling. If that doesn't work, then you need to weigh your desires and see how important it is to have a partner on the same sexual level as you are. We can't ignore that it is important for after all, we vowed to share that intimacy with ONE person.
Don't let the situation force itself on you by feeling neglected. If you are important in her life, she must listen.
2007-02-04 16:34:58 · answer #5 · answered by Nocturne_in_G_Major 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
About this situation or ANY SITUATION that you are not pleased with: You have only three options. You can Live with it; or you can change it; or you can leave it. Those are the only logical options you have available to you.
You can live with it:
You say leaving is not an option for you, and you are powerless to change it - then the only thing you can do is live with it.
You can change it:
However, if you can't live with it, and leaving is not an option; then you must change the situation. In that case you should try some professional third party intervention (if your own efforts to change don't help). Here is the great place to suggest to you also, that prayer is a great intervention, and a great change-agent. You might even try praying together.
You can leave:
If you can't live with it, and you can't change it, then there is no other option to leave, even though you have already said this is not an option.
The fact is: You must do some form of one of these three options: Live with it, Change it, or leave. And You must make your choice.
2007-02-04 16:36:57 · answer #6 · answered by me 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has your wife ever talked to her medical doctor about this? You say that she has "never" had much interest in a sex life, so my guess is that it's not anything to do with you.
Before either of you assume that there's an attitude issue going on, encourage her to see a gynecologist. Even if she has no idea why her sexual desire is so low, she may learn that she's got a hormonal or physical cause to this. These things can be perfectly treatable.
I hope this helps both of you.
2007-02-04 16:37:09 · answer #7 · answered by katnkaboodle 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Okay, divorce not an option. Then the only option is to tell her trying is no longer good enough and you want more sex or a mistress. If she isn't willing to provide for you, she can't be mad if someone else is. Think of it this way, if you didn't pay for all the **** she buys when your at work, would she stand for it? Hell no. So tell her point blank "Honey, a marriage is a very intimate partnership, and your not being intimate with me. I love you etc., but I am a man, and I do have needs. I am not being unreasonable here, but if we don't have sex (I recommend saying once a week here, at least), then I will have no choice but to find my sexual gratification outside the walls of our marriage." It's the only way.
2007-02-04 16:39:23 · answer #8 · answered by yodaddy9 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Everyone is on a different level when it comes to sex drive. Was it this way before you married? Do you talk about it soooo much that she is simply turned off by the mention of sex?
2. She could be cheating
3. Maybe she feels unappreciated. Do you help her around the house or help her with things before having to be asked? Are you romantic? Some women don't intentionally withhold sex. For some sex is a very emotional thing and if they feel unappreciated in their relationship the desire to be intimate dwindles.
4. Maybe you suck in bed.
There's a few possibilities for you.
2007-02-04 19:14:00 · answer #9 · answered by YourAnswer... 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try being romantic. Flowers and chocolate are okay but they don't get the engine revving like a massage that lasts for more than 10 minutes. Or soft kisses on the nape of the neck. Hugs for no reason. Paint her nails. Make her feel beautiful -don't just tell her. Or the complete opposite -get her adrenaline rushing with roller coasters, skiing, rock climbing, etc.
Oh, don't verbally ask for it. There is not bigger turnoff than "Wanna have sex?" How is a girl suppose to respond? It's putting her between a rock and a hard place.
2007-02-04 16:31:18 · answer #10 · answered by allisoneast 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm 99.5% sure she's cheating on you. Seriously, guy, consider divorce. If that's out of the question, bring up -why- she's not sexually inclined toward you, perhaps there's a reason that's not adultery, but I doubt it. Maybe she was abused when she was a child, and now sees sex as something abhorrent.
Either way, she's neglecting your physical needs, and is causing you pain and anguish over it. Your best bet is to bring it up fiercely, don't back down and don't let her be dismissal about it. Figure out the root of the problem, and take steps to solve it. I might also recommend a marriage councilor.
2007-02-04 16:29:52 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋