What can i tell someone that is never happy?

Question

Hello all,

I am in a bit of a prediciment. I have a very very stuborn girlfriend. She is constantly thinking the world is going to end, and often its over very small things that shouldnt matter. awhile ago, she had back surgery... throwing off her tennis career greatly. Going from 2nd ranked in the nation for her age group to not ranked at all was very difficult, as im sure you understand. She has been very close to me for a long time and i dont really know what to tell her. She is still amazing at tennis, and has a ton to be proud of. She is upset because she wont ever be the player she once was, and wont ever live up to her parents expectations. What can i tell her to make her just live life and be happy. I feel like happiness is all mental, so its hard for me to think of ways to tell her to be happy other than just saying "be happy." Good quotes or logic would be appreciated, as i really want to do anything i can to help.



Thanks.

Answer 1

She needs to SNAP OUT OF IT in her own way.
Her world has been shattered and it is the world her lifes dreams built for her.
She is naturally traumatised and tragedised, and can hardly be expected to suddenly see the doors of opportunity standing before her because the memory and the emotion of her trauma hav'nt settled yet, but they will.
Also whilst the dream is broken her perceptions of all the beauty of her familiar world take on the gloom of being likewise damaged.
Those who love and care for her have always been there and are unable to provide that lacking ingredient ...change...because they are part of that now damaged sameness of life in her mind.
The messages implanted into your girlfriends subconscous mind were done during deep trauma, and the formula to change those messages is to overwrite them with another message.
It can be achieved quickly at the height of another deep emotion ie;
Joy, Death, Fear, Wonderment, Sex, Birth, tragedy etc, etc.
Or it can be repeated over and over again for no less than 21 days until the subconscious accepts it as true.
Understand that the messages your g/f sent to her subconscious during trauma were " Life sucks" "The world is doomed" " Nothing lasts" "My life is pointless/worthless" etc etc
It matters not how much the main conscious believes otherwise. The subconscious is the greater power.
The formula requires a word perfect overwrite message.
One of the greatest was a message still used today with astounding results.
" Every day in every way my life is better and better and better"

Remember, "Word perfect."
Enhancements.
Music,/ change of environment,/ said over and over until one falls asleep,/ Affirmations etc etc etc
Try this method or find another.
I guarantee that when applied correctly, the above method will produce amazing shifts in attitude very quickly.
Finally
If there is anything one would like to change in their life,
the first thing one must change is their own attitude to it.
Attitudes are the biggest disabilities

Answer 2

"The Hardest thing to do in this world it to live in it"- Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Sometimes even the smallest things can cause the biggest problems. She seems like someone who has given up. I have given up a couple times and the one thing that's always bounced me back was that saying up there. It's always hard to live your life, everyone wants to be something or someone they're not. But it's important to remember that every day you live is a gift. Every day you breathe is a gift. It's like Christmas every day. As far as her tennis thing goes, ranking shouldn't matter. It's just a number. That shouldn't tell her whether or not she's good at what she does. She should know that. No number could amount to how much talent she holds in her heart. If she truly loves you and her sport, a number that compares her to other people shouldn't matter because at the end of the day she is still going to go to sleep a winner. Tennis or no tennis, she's still going to wake up with a talent that nothing could take away not even back surgery.

Answer 3

Your right! Being happy is all mental and another thing I agree with is that you cannot just tell someone to "be happy". What your girlfriend needs is more time to understand that life is much more then just trying to live up to other peoples expectations. At the end of the day she needs to be able to say to herself that her time and energy needs to go on the things that she can change, not on the things that she cannot. The only thing that you can do is be there when she starts to beat up on herself about life, most of the time all women want is for their mate to listen to them and to not try and solve all of their problems because most likely you or no one else cannot change the dilemmas that she is going to have to face. Also whenever you are around her try and stay positive; that always work with me because every time I start to think up negative things that I cannot change my husband come up with the craziest stuff to talk about ( I am just like your girlfriend). Let her know over and over how much you really care for her well-being and it sounds like you really love her so, tell her repeatably how much you LOVE her. That is really all she needs to hear. Let her know that she is way more important then what people think. A good quote for her (and this helps me a lot) "I can't. God can. I think I'll let God/ And tell her for me that she has a reason to smile she has you ;)

Answer 4

Oh Ethan, I have a feeling that this behavior will not ever end. It will always be something to get her more upset. She could have a chemical unbalance or just be sad for right now but it does not sound like that to me. Take her for a ride, stop by a school or home for teens or children that are physically handicapped. Have her volunteer her extra time with YOU in helping the children do crafts or some other activities. She needs to focus her energy on someone else other then herself. She will change I can almost pro miss it, if not then just remain friends and move on. Let her know that her behavior has become obsessive and unhealthy or just boring. Do not let her kill your spirit.

Answer 5

We all come to crossroads in life, a point at which life will change. What is important is not which path you take but how you walk that path. Many people get fixated on the end of their journey, as is the case with her, she has been fixated on the fact that she was going to be the best at tennis and now she isn't. I can't offer any advice for what to say to change her feelings because there is none. Sorry. The most that you can do is remind her that life is and will forever constantly change and to pine after a life that has been taken away is fruitless. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

Answer 6

I'd say we are all a little stubborn. But what your girlfriend is going through won't be easy to overcome until she decides life is too short to dwell on the little things.

I would continue to support her and help her through this. She needs to understand that she shouldn't live up to anybody's expectations except her own. She will never earn her parents approval by trying to push herself to do things that don't necessarily make her happy.

I would normally recommend seeing a counselor, just somebody neutral she could talk to. And as long as you are still there for her just keep emphasizing the postives in life, the positives in her life, the positives in your life and the positives of both or your lives together.

Life is too short to dwell on the negative, which is why it is so important to enjoy all the positives no matter how big or how little in life.

There isn't much you can say to change her mind, but there is much you can do, by continuing to be supportive, by doing all the little things that make her laugh. And eventually she will pull herself out of it.

The best advice I can give her is to move on, her parents love her no matter what she does. And the fact that they have high expectations means that they do care and that they want the best for her. And she needs to remember "Where there is love, there is life"(Mahatma Ghandi) and she is surrounded by love.

Good luck to you I hope you can help her through this quickly before it turns into serious depression. Which is no fun.

Answer 7

Hello Ethan. You may have to give her a few home truths before she can move on from feeling sorry for herself. Tell her it's not all bad, she's still alive with a life ahead of her. She could certainly earn a wage from being a tennis coach.Or, sit down with a pen and paper and say " OK, we know you're not going to play tennis as good as before, so we have to move on from that. It's only depressing you, and when you're upset, so am I. Lets list all the other things you're great at, and work out what can be done on the positive side." It's not fair on you to have to live with her negative attitude, and just by your posting this question, I can see you're starting on the road to a future split. Hope it all works out for you, but remember, you have to have a life too. Good luck

Answer 8

She has a different path now, though she may not know what it is yet. You don't say how long it has been since her surgery. If it hasn't been very long, let her go through her grieving process. If it has been awhile, she needs to let go of the past and get on with living. You sound like a great guy to be so concerned with her happiness and unwillingness to get on with her life. I hope she is able to work past it. Try being an example to her without preaching or nagging.
Good luck

Answer 9

sounds like me..lol kidding
it is hard to tell because pretty much she has conditioned her self to that kind of state of mind. I too was the same way for a long time, but believe me unhappy people, are not really unhappy as you think. If they are smart, they would know how to balance their emotions. You cannot just tell her to be happy if she is not happy. She is living a life in her past right now(her tarnished career) let it be because it is her right of absolve to her sentiments. Just be more understanding to her in the meantime. Sooner or later it all pass through, and she'll realize on her own, in her time that it is pointless living to her past and that it is time to move on. You love her, then don't ridicule her and leave her feeling ostracized by her own boyfriend. That will make it even worst for her, less she'll never come out of it (unhappiness).
This happened to me when my marriage broke down. I developed eating disorder and major depression, but i made sure that my life was still balanced. Time moved on, and moved along with it. Now lately i also have a problem, I was too much in loved with someone who doesn't seem to feel the same for me, i became depressed again, insecured and paranoid that he was making me feel jealous(to get rid of me?). And alas, all of a sudden these feelings are just gone. All I want to do is trust everyone, including him. I dont think too much of him anymore, and my life is coming back to equillibrium.
Let it be, let her attend to her sentiments. Be the first to understand her.

Answer 10

First thing: try to avoid telling her to "just be happy" or "snap out of it" or anything of the sort. It never, ever helps with depression. I could be wrong, but it seems fairly likely that that's what this is: a mild case of reactive depression. As you said, she has reason to feel frustrated, but ignoring it or dismissing it will only postpone dealing with it, potentially until it explodes. Dealing with feelings like these is almost always an uncomfortable process. Loved ones can best help by not glossing over it, but being supportive in her pain, and "mourning with those that mourn".

The philosopher Martin Heidegger has interesting things to say about "concern" and "solicitude" (besorgen and fursorgen in the German) in his book Being and Time. It's a rather inaccessible tome for the most part, but essentially he claims the best way to address someone in difficulty is not to promise everything will be OK when you're in no position to make such a promise (in other words, you can't control the universe), but rather to help them realize the reality of their current situation, miserable or happy, as the case may be, and adapt to accept it. Happiness is not "all mental", just mostly mental. There will inevitably be periods of suffering in life.

I know that for me, when times are bad, marveling at how really bad things CAN get, and knowing that they probably WILL get worse can be just the ticket to having a good laugh. There's a great book called The Little Book of Despair (it's about 3" x 3"), filled with great quotes to make you realize how rotten life can be (two quoted below). It's always good for a chuckle.

"Most people are grateful for the things they have and want. I'm grateful for the things I don't have and don't want. Like syphillus."

"Monday is a terrible way to spend one seventh of your life."

"Education brings knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime. Crime doesn't pay. So get rich: stay out of school!"