How can I be strong?

Question

My husband of 3 years, (together 12 years), is leaving me. It all started back in Sept, when he exploded at me for something silly. We just had a beautiful baby girl in April 06' and life coulnd't be happier. Seriously, in my eyes, we had the fairy tale life. Met when we were teens, had an 8 year relationship, married, house, baby - were trying for more...everything was perfect. Then I found out he was "talking" to someone else. He cried and begged for forgiveness, and vowed to work on things. Shortly after, he was diagnosed with depression, bipolar, and anxiety. About a month after taking the medication, he turned into a different person and started blaming me for everything. He eventually decided he was "done" and wanted a divorce. "Divorce" wasn't even part of our vocabulary, seeing as we were so truly happy. Nobody understands where he is coming from - this was the last thing in a million years anyone expected - obviously including me. I don't know how to go on.

Answer 1

your husband need serious help, try and get him as much help as possiable, May god bless you and your family

Answer 2

Will he go to marriage counselling? Have you checked the side affects of his medications? Some medications can change a person's moods drastically, especially if mixed with other medications or alcohol. If he has made up his mind and refuses help, then you have only one option; you have to pick up the pieces and move on. Of course it's easy to say, but you will have to because you have a child to think of. I had a friend who was bipolar and didn't take his medication. We were really good friend's and one day he just stopped speaking to me, doesn't even blink if he sees me. His daughter has asked him why and he refuses to answer. I don't know a lot about the disease, have you researched it? A good medical website is Web MD. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Umm i COMPLETELY understand where he is coming from. He was living a life where he had to live up to your expectation of a "fairy tale" and "perfect" marriage. Get a life! There is no such thing and hasn't been for years girl!!! Sorry to be the one who had to tell you! NOt saying this is all your fault because it obviously takes 2 to make a marriage and if he was living with bipolar he definitely had some issues of his own.

REgarding the husband..........If and when he places the blame on you for the end of this marriage. Tell him you didn't force him to put the ring on your finger and that you talked to a "friend" (me") who is bi-polar and she said "your ex needs therapy!! BAD!

Answer 4

Right now may not be the time to move on. No one said that you have to be ready today or tomorrow. It's a real job to be an adult, let alone a father, a husband and a homeowner. Just try to get some rest, pray for PEACE, and understanding. Know that you will survive, you have to, because someone else is depending on you, your child. GOOD LUCK

Answer 5

Gosh, I really feel for you. The biggest source of strength for you should be your little baby. Do you have family members that love and care about you? Do you have a job? It sounds like he is really unstable and maybe the medications are not right. It is sort of like being a human guinea pig. If you can talk to his doctor, maybe you can help things get on a more even keel for him, but you have a baby and she and you need to be your priorities. Build a life for the two of you and watch from the sidelines as to how he progresses.

Answer 6

Remember it only takes 1 to divorce, it takes 2 to marry, but only 1 to separate or divorce. You are stronger than you think and you have to be for your daughter. Walk through the grief, grieve it like a death, because that is what it is. There is a good book by James Dobson, Love must Be tough. It helped me tremendously. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Answer 7

I'd say you take a good look at that medication he's taking and find an alternative to that medication. Perhaps the affects will be different from the ones he's taking right now.

Answer 8

You need to do a research on bi-polar condition that your husband is suffering from. This is what used to be called 'manic depression' brought on by chemical imbalance in the brain. His behaviour are all caused by this illness and has nothing to do with you, your happiness and life in the past, and your child. Bi-polar condition is a serious illness and you cannot take this lightly and cannot compare it with any other type of depression.

You must really understand that his illness is not your fault. His illness will cause him to blame you for it, but he, himself does not understand what he is suffering from. His lack of undestanding is making him angry. His illness is making him angry. He doesn't understand it. It is a very severe depression with fatal consequences.

I have a bi-polar friend who we just shrugged our shoulders at because we just thought, it's depression - get over it. But having lived with us for 2 weeks, I realised that this illness is serious and can at times be beyond their control. The extreme behaviours - suicidal thoughts and tendencies - are all attributed by the illness. I found this the hard way when I rushed him to the hospitall ..... I don't want to give the details. But this I learned - the chemical imbalance can cause one to completely lose control of his consciousness for reality. He will have moments when he will not have any complete concept of what is going on. The signal starts with seeing white spots before him........and the next thing you come back to reality is findingn yourself lying in a hospital bed. It is a scary illness and you need to do your research.

It is very difficult having to live and love someone with this illness. It is very trying and draining on everyone around, especiallyl for you. He is not helping by making you an antagonist instead of a protagonist with his illness. He may be ill, but he still has control of his life, including his thoughts. It will be more difficult for him to make a conscious effort to fight his thoughts and actions, but not impossible. THey are all within his control and you let him blame you for his illness and his thoughts and actions.

But this is the difficult part now - what and how to deal with his proposal of divorce. On one hand, I have to say that it may be better for you that you two are separated whilst he is trying to deal with his illness. You must come first before the relationship. You will be suffering in this relationship if you try to hang on to your love that will bring you more pain so long as he has no control of it whatsoever at this point. And then you have your child. She will understand the situation the least - she will only see the actions and the anxieties and anger from him. You need to protect yourself and your daughter. You cannot do this as long as he hasn't come to full realisation and acceptance of his illness.

Forget about the past. It is behind you now. You need to focus on your present situation. It is not easy. You will need as much strength as you can and remembering how you were in the past will not help. I am not advising you to forget, but you don't want to taint the happiness that you shared in the past by letting the present situation get out of your hands. You have a big task ahead of you and this present moment is pivotal to your strength.

Your husband does not love himself at the moment. His illness is preventing him from recognising the love for his own self, hence the anger and the denial. His illness is blinding him from recognising love for himself, and love for you and your child. What you can't recognise doesn't necessarily mean that it is not there. He cannot feel what he cannot see.

Support him. If he needs the space, give it to him. Support yourself and your child. Give yourself the space to accept and learn about your situation and his illness. You cannot do this if you are constantly struggling with him on a daily basis. You need the space to absorb and collect your thoughts and strength. Tell your husband he canot deal with his illness alone. If he is going to insist on having his space, make sure that he has all his suport from his family and friends.

You need counselling and you need counselling with your husband. Accepting and learning the truth is best done when you can do it together. The outcome - well - you cannot think about that. You don't know what it will be. Just concentrate on the present moment. That's all you can do.

I feel for you. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. He is not what he was. This you must come to an acceptance if you want the strength to deal with the situation. The future will be different from what you expected, but that is life. It changes.

Have the strength from the truth, not denial. The pain will keep persisting if you hang on to denial. Learn and accept the truth, then the strength will guide you with only the truth. Be strong in the knowledge of your situation, not denial.

Answer 9

sometimes it's best to go on because once they cheat on you they will do it again.. unless you want to put up with that stuff , count your blessings and pick yourself up and move on . god will send someone else into your like for you and your child ..open your heart up to all the possibilities of the future.. he'll miss you and it'll be too late.. trust me.

Answer 10

that is what you say now not in a year you won't babay he already had his mind made up