the problem is she is sweet as can be to my bf(we are getting married next mon)as long as he does what she wants.but can't stand me and goes out of her way to let me know she has a child with my bf so shes more "family " to him then i am.she allways trys to come between my bf and i by not allowing me to share in thier sons life.for example i'm not allowed at any school function.my bf has joint custody so he and his ex have daily contact so its not possible for me to just ignore her as shes in our life so much .when ever we see her which is often shes all chaty smiling sweetly to my bf then looks at me and glares.the funny thing is he left her and cheated on her(not with me) how can i learn to deal with on my own as my bf will not stand up for me as he feels it will only make problems for his son.
2007-02-04 07:21:28 · 14 answers · asked by suemac502 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you slap the heck out of her
2007-02-04 07:24:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yikes.
Several posters have really good responses.
One, you aren't marrying the ex. You are marrying your bf. I would have a long sincere talk about how her behavior makes you feel. And that your bf needs to stand up for you. He - because no way any talk you have with the ex goes well - needs to explain, in no uncertain terms, that you are his wife and you are going to be in their son's life. Period. No way you get around that either.
It is incredibly petty, mean, and spiteful for her to "not allow" you to attend school functions. Besides, she can't enforce it. He is your step-son too. Be involved in his life because you will be no matter what.
Confront your bf. Explain to him what is happening and how it makes you feel. Do you want every holiday, vacation, school function, and family event to go like this? No? Then you need to act and now. Have your bf talk to her. Or all three of you talk.
And I would surreptitiously record that little talk. Not for blackmail or for any legal purpose...for your own. Play it back a few days later. Listen to what was said. Listen to who said what. This gives you and perhaps your bf an added perspective to hear it again later. It can be quite sobering to her what one says in the heat of a passionate...argument. This will also serve you another purpose.
You may wish to strongly reconsider this wedding. He has already demonstrated his lack of fidelity once (at least). What makes you think he will be faithful to you? He said so? He told the ex too...at the altar nonetheless. It doesn't sound like he is fighting for his future wife much either. What man allows the ex to so brutalize his fiancee?
That tape may open your eyes to what he isnt telling the ex.
In any event, you need to have the "talk". If you don't...this only gets worse. And that's no way to start a new marriage.
2007-02-04 08:17:14 · answer #2 · answered by jw 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best advice I've ever heard is to kill them... with kindness, that is. =)
All in all, SHE isn't actually "family" to your bf... their child is. They are exes for a reason, and she is no longer a part of his life except through the child they share.
So when she looks at you and glares.... just smile... or burst out laughing! That ought to get her! She sounds immature. To say YOU are not allowed at school functions is wrong! School functions are a PUBLIC deal and she cannot designate whether or not you can go.
Your boyfriend sounds like he is letting her control him. He needs to stand up for YOU when she is being hateful. By bowing down to her, he is allowing it to continue and only you can put a stop to that. If you don't stop it now, you'll be living the rest of life around HER rules.
Don't stand for it. When she is being disrespectful to you and glaring, you really need to laugh and say "Oh my God!! What a face!!" She is only being that way because she knows it gets to you. And by controlling what your bf does, she is trying to cause problems between the two of you.
Best of luck to you! It will be tough, but you can do it!!
2007-02-04 07:45:34 · answer #3 · answered by DearAbby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My bf's ex same way. She cheated. He tries to be amblicable. She can't stand how the divorce came out, he got 50/50 and moved on without her (we have a beautiful house and she is in a tiny apartment). It's been 2 years and she still is as rude, and a screaming maniac as she was the first time I met her. Just wait until you have a current girlfriend - it will get worse! Get a sense of humor, and let her words roll off your back. . . walk away.
2016-05-24 05:06:19 · answer #4 · answered by Ivette 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with most of these posts. It really is up to your b/f to set limits. He needs to realize that it isn't just the ex but anyone who shows disrespect to the woman he loves. A mother-in-law could do the same for example. If he doesn't stick up for you and set boundaries, he is not a real man.
Do share with him exactly how you feel, from your heart.This nonsense about you not being allowed to share in school functions is an obvious indicator that he indeed, does know she is jealous and mean to you and it's okay with him! His excuse about making problems for his son...are frankly, ridiculous. Be a man! What is he teaching his son?
Are you absolutely positive about the dynamics of the school functions? That is really weird for both divorced parents to be at school every day. It doesn't make sense. Please make sure you know for sure what is going on. By saying you can't go...he is essentially choosing to keep you second best and agreeing with his ex that you don't deserve a place in his sons life. Is this what you really want in a mate?
There is an old saying...'what you think of me is none of my business'. It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. It's her problem and nothing to do with you personally. Yup...kill her with kindness, but don't seek her approval. She is like a 2 year old having a tantrum...how do you handle a tantrum? Ignore them. They have nothing to play with that way. It gets boring!
He is showing you disrespect in this situation. He doesn't realize that by making you a united front for his son...his ex would eventually realize it and shut up. He is contributing to the problem my dear and it's not fair for you. She won't go away...and you are choosing to marry a man with these dynamics already in place. I hope you can figure it out before you get married. You do belong in his sons life, and while you are not a threat...you need to believe you deserve to stand in the forefront and not hiding in the background.
I wish you much luck with this.
2007-02-04 08:22:56 · answer #5 · answered by kallie m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would seriously reconsider marrying this guy. He needs to set limits with his ex wife out of respect for you. If he won't do that because of his son or whatever, I'd rethink your future together. He's not going to change just because you're married. You will always come second (or third) to his son and his ex wife.. Is that what you want? Also, if he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you.
Doesn't sound like happily ever after to me..
2007-02-04 07:29:58 · answer #6 · answered by •√¡rgő• 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is jealous of you because you anf him are together now. As far as not going to his sons school functions, that is for him and you to decide as she has no say so in the matter even tho she might think so. You are going to be a part in their sons life now and she just needs to deal with it.
Talk to your b/f and tell him how you feel and tell him he also needs to stand up to her when it comes to you and if he refuses you might want to rethink getting married to him, atleast for now.
One last thing, his ex will always be a part of his life because they have a child together and that is something that you have to accept.
2007-02-04 07:31:37 · answer #7 · answered by n0s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not your problem to deal with it is your boyfriends problem.He need's to stand up for you and put his ex in her place.They are no longer together so she should not have any say in what goes on in your life and also there is no reason for you not to beable to attend school functions if you are with your boyfriend and he has shared custody.I suggest you have a serious talk with your boyfriend if you intend to have a serious relationship with him just because he has a child does not mean that he should bow to his ex.
2007-02-04 07:37:39 · answer #8 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever talked to him about this? If so, what was his response. Have you talked to the ex wife ? I would first talk to your boyfriend about this and let him know that it bothers you she treats you this way and that you don't appreciate him not standing up for you in front of the ex.
Good Luck
2007-02-04 07:28:56 · answer #9 · answered by Tracy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the woman is still hurt and angry and wrong as it may be she associates u with the breakup, sees u as the other woman in the relationship. he will never stand up for u, because of the kid, so u will just have to live with it or don't marry him. after u marry him it will not get any easier either.she is just paying him back for the wrong done to her.
2007-02-04 07:31:19 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ignore it, be cordial to her and be the bigger person. Do what's in your heart. She's just being immature and thinks she can still take things out on you. Ignore it, be cordial and get on with life. She's your ex for a reason. Don't let her bring you down anymore.
2007-02-04 07:35:08 · answer #11 · answered by SillyKimmie 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋