How much time is too much time for a daughter to talk with her mother(my in-law)?

Question

Hi, we are newly-weds, and I was wondering if there is a such thing as too much time for a mother and daughter to talk. We are married now, and I want us to grow together, but I just have a bad feeling about her mother and their dependence as my wife is an only child. Her mother wasn't happy for us to get married, she seemed upset that she was losing control of her daugher. She now says she is ok, but I am not sure. We live over 1000 miles away for there is a chance that we will go back so I can go to grad school, but I am slighty worried. They talk once or twice a week, every week. It bothers me, but my wife says it is fine. Should I be concerned? I'd appreciate thoughtful answers. Thanks.

Answer 1

Once or twice a week is nothing. Why are you threatened by this and if it is such a big deal to you why did you marry this person. Chances are that she was close to her mom when you married her...and you don't just marry the person, you marry the family as well. Her allegiance should be to you but you shouldn't be against her having a close relationship with her mom. If it bothers you that her mother is negative towards you, then you should ask her to stop that behavior when she is talking to her mom. You can't be angry about something that existed before you got married! You made the choice to marry into this situation.

Answer 2

Well, I am an only child, my mom and I are VERY close. In fact I remembered telling my husband when we first got married "I will love you no matter what, but never try to come between me and my mom". I have since (12 yrs) found out that my loyality is to my husband. It was a long hard road, and yes, I think you should be concerned....about moving back. Once or twice a week is not bad, my mom and I talk 3-4 times a day! I have asked her not to call after 5, or on weekends, so I can give my husband the time he needs. And I aso agree that it is a control thing, I had that too. My mom actually moved in with us . . . . . NEVER DO THAT! We all lived together about 2 years, my husband could see the control, but I didn't wont to. Well, it all blew up one day, my husband kicked her out, and we didn't talk for over 2 years. It was really hard for me, but it did allow me to grow and be independent. Our marriage is strong and healthy, and now I kno where to place the boundaries with my mom.

Just be careful, if you push, you will loose your wife. This is something that she is going to have to figure out on her own. Try to be patient with her, I realize that I felt guilt for marrying and leaving my mom alone. So, if your wife is feeling this way too, you need to try and support her and love her mom . . . it will give your wife peace of mind, knowing that you are not trying to come between them. Many blessings!

Answer 3

You live over 1000 miles away from her mother. Once or twice a week is fine. Why don't YOU try talking to your MIL and getting to know her better and "burying the hatchet"?(also, think back to what impression you were giving her before you married her daughter) I believe that if you two were to set things right between you, you wouldn't care if your wife talked to her everyday. Heck, you don't even know WHY she was upset at the thought of her daughter marrying you. Why don't you ask her in a non-confrontational way, like "We are family now, and I think it is ok for us to ask each other some tough questions. I am wondering why you were upset at the thought of us getting married. I am hoping that having this out of the way will make it easier for us to get to know each other better and accept each other easier."

And maybe you should try to figure out why it bothers you. Are you afraid that she is going to try and talk her daughter into leaving you?

Answer 4

Once or twice a week does not sound excessive to me. Especially considering the fact that there are 1000 miles between them. Don't try to come between mother and daughter. You can only lose since they have bonded long before you ever came on scene. A young wife also looks to her mom for advice about everything from cooking to sex. (At least this was my personal experience 33 years ago. Perhaps things are different today) Husbands are typically jealous of the intimacy his wife has with her mother. It's not a feeling he understands or even is consciously aware of. He just knows he doesn't feel comfortable with it and sometimes he will attribute it to things like you mention:"to much time" or her mom doesn't like me. Try to honestly evaluate your feelings and express your concerns to your wife without asking her to spend less time with her mom. Let her be the one to come up with a solution. In my own case I decided to speak to my mother while my husband was at work and give him my full attention once he was home. I also alerted my mom to his feelings so that she would not call when he was home unless it was urgent.

Answer 5

Honestly!? I think your being unreasonable about your concerns. Your wife made the decision to marry you, that should tell you enough! Once or twice a week? I talk to my mom who is also my best friend like 4 times a day! LOL, my husband jokes and says stuff, but in the end he know's that I picked him to marry, and regardless your parents are still your parents.

Answer 6

Twice a week isn't really too much, heck she lived with her longer than she has with you its just a natural progression.
However, I broke the apron strings when I moved 3000 away from my mom and I don't think I could have if I had stayed in town.
Try finding someone where else to go to grad school if your that worried.

Answer 7

Be happy that ur wife and her mother have a close relationship. Once or twice a week is better thatn once or twice a day right? How would you feel if your wife told you to stop talking to you mom or dad? You only get one mom and one dad in life. Let your wife have hers. Its ok. I promise!

Answer 8

mothers and daughters are usually close, and them talking frequently is not at all unusual. if every other word out of you wife's mouth is mom said then there is a problem . But let them talk wouldn't you love to have some one close to hand to advise you on difficult, or new situations that you are not sure how to deal with. Her mom has been there done that, and if asked for will give advise, But it is up to your wife as to weather she follow es the advise, exactly the same as you with your question here. all it is is another opinion, not a rule

Answer 9

Oh, that's nothing :)

I live about an hour from my parents, and usually talk to one or both of them at least five times a week. I do this when I am commuting, and I am always careful not to let it interfere with my time that I spend with my husband. My relationship to my parents is very important, and my husband recognizes that, and we've found ways of working it out.
I say, as long as it's not interfering with your time together, and as long as her mother is not talking negatively about you or doing things to try to get between you, then let them talk. If she was close to her parents and now living over 1000 miles away, it could be difficult for her to adjust, and she needs that communication in order to keep from getting homesick.

Answer 10

They live apart from each other and that is her Mother, talking once or twice a week is not to much, they love each other. You seem to me to be a little controlling and better get over it are you will lose your wife. Family is a tight relationship and they need to stay in contact, you shouldn't be jealous of a couple of calls a week, get over it. Don't you talk to your Mother and your family, if not, get to calling them. .