Sappy love songs
Stupid poems
love equals pain
thats just how it goes
No one to hold you
when you want to cry
No one to say I love you
all through the night
perfect girls with
beach blonde hair
deep blue eyes
And 4 inch heels
flip their hair
and roll their eyes
the boys all love them
And you cant help but to cry
Dye your hair
shorten your skirt
think "Im gonna show them how this game works"
soon you hear voices
Soon you hear cries
The cries of the once you use to depise
Its not all of it but its a start.
2007-02-04 04:01:22 · 8 answers · asked by britty 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Music
Amazing poem. I love it. Really good job.
2007-02-04 04:04:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's ok. And it really has potential. Just needs a bit of polishing.
Suggestions:
"bleached" blonde hair (instead of bleach)
The word "hair" is used too frequently. Substitute something else for one or two of the hair-words: tresses (rhymes with dresses!) or curls or locks...anything you want. Just something different.
"...can't help but to cry" (take out the word "to")
"...cries of the once...." (should be "ones")
"...you use to depise" (unless you really meant to write "use," which gives it different meaning)
Should be "used to despise"<--note proper spelling
Otherwise, it's got a certain amount of power and rhythm, which is very, very good. I like it!
2007-02-04 12:14:05 · answer #2 · answered by allaboutthewords 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally agree with the others. Your poem is absolutely beautiful! Keep adding more and it'll be even better!
2007-02-04 12:07:33 · answer #3 · answered by ¾ pErFeCt™ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's beautiful. If anyone says otherwise, either ignore them, or push them in front of a moving train.
2007-02-04 12:05:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow, great work... I love poetry, and I write a lot myself. I like poems that make you fell where someone is coming from, and that's what I like about yours... keep it up!
2007-02-04 12:19:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do I feel like it sounds like someone saying a sentence?
2007-02-05 03:07:27 · answer #6 · answered by Memyselfi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes it is an awesome start it sounds wonderful
2007-02-04 12:08:08 · answer #7 · answered by pompomgirl23 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its good.glad you are not very particular about rhymes or anything.
2007-02-04 12:12:36 · answer #8 · answered by Shilpa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋