score my essay from 1 to 100 please tell me what do you think the score should be?its for a scholarship?

Question

I think that animals are the most important creatures in earth. They help us live in this planet. Even when we treat them so bad they are always there with their unconditional affection. They are the only creatures don’t care if you are rich or poor if you are white or black or if you ever did something for them they only want to be with you with out expecting something from you but your affection. They don’t care about material stuff. Many animals are used to work like in farms, they are exploded and maybe the animals don’t even get feed but they never go away because the love their owner and they will be with them.

Other animals are used in laboratories and there they get exposed to so many diseases and scientist experiment on them with chemicals that no one knows how they are going to react in the bodies of the animals. No one does anything to stop it: cats, mice, monkeys, dogs, and fishes etc… all of these animals, some of them in extinction danger are used and most of the times killed, in this kind of experiments without anyone doing anything.

I’ll like to go to this program to know more about animals and how I can do something to stop animal abuse. I want to learn how cure animals and I want to see how animal behavior is different in the wild than in a cage. I want to see all kinds of animals and show affection just like they show if to us. I want to go to this program to learn about animal diseases and other kind of illnesses. But what would really like to know is if the killing of animals can destroy us as the same time or if this only affects animals. I hope that when I get out of this program I know more about how to take care animals and where is better to have different kinds of animals. I want to know want medicines I can use and I hope I know more about animal behavior

Answer 1

Hmmm...would that be for content or for grammar? Honestly speaking...I like your thoughts, very idealistic!:) But if you're going to pass this as an entry, it will need more improvement. Read and learn.

About the contents...
Don't generalize unless you know you can defend what you said. That's credibility. Lie on the side of error and clarify, use "I think...", "I have observed..", etc.

On grammar and sentence construction...
Go over the whole thing. Sentence per sentence. Check your tenses, some present tenses stray to past ideas. If I would read this aloud in a speech I would not know where to stop and the meaning would turn out vague I will just continue talking and talking because there is no period or comma as you probably have noticed with the way I wrote this loooong sentence.

Go back to basic things in English. Attention slips out easily so decorate with periods, commas, or semi-colons. Readers would appreciate many short sentences rather than a long sentence-paragraph.

In constructing an essay, make each sentence of a paragraph work harmoniously towards an end. Each paragraph should have a purpose on their own so that the ideas do not jumble.

It is but proper that you use formal language for this scholarship. In a way, it tells the reader that you are serious about this, that you are worth the slot. Avoid "like" and other expressions. Instead, use "for example, or such as".

You have great ideas but delivery is another matter. If you heard someone read this to you, would you be bored? would you get excited? Use Word's thesaurus (shift+F7) if that would help spice up your work(caution: don't overuse).

I'll tell you a secret of essay writers. They make an explosive introduction, an enticing body, and a dramatic ending. Sometimes, the lack of thought would not matter, but if you can make the reader "feel and think" with you, there would be nothing else to say but ---> "."


P.S.
Last tip: Your mind was probably ticked off with something in the way I wrote my "essay". What was it?

The paragraphs were jumbled.


~~~~....~~~~
I wish you good luck! Take good care of our animals!

;)

Answer 2

Around 1969, the NBA put in the 3-second lane violation rule. Until then, the team on offense could cherry pick underneath the basket for the entire 24 seconds. But since the rule came in, it's really limited the number of points the big men can get under the basket because they can't stand in the lane for more than 3 seconds. If then rule had been in effect in 1962, Wilt Chamberlain would probably not have had a 100-point game.

Answer 3

Okay this is my honest opinion and I am sure you will give me thumbs down. At sentence 2 is where it went downhill, you do not live IN this planet you live ON this planet. I think you need to reread what you said, gather your thoughts make an outline and a couple of rough drafts. As someone who knows the importance of scholarship money I'd give you a 45, just for the effort but I would not consider you for the scholarship.

And by the way I'm not in 8th grade, not in High school, I have my Masters degree in Psychology. Please take the time to reread what you said just for grammatical errors

Answer 4

Please take this essay to your past English teacher or a high school counselor for individual attention. Before you do that however; please type it into a computer program to do a grammar and spell check on this essay. I would not accept this as a college entrance essay because you basically have not followed an outline with thesis statements, nor have you followed through with idea continuity. College is a huge comitment; show that you are willing to put forth good efforts to attend. Good luck!!!

Answer 5

your missing a few commas and we should know more details like what is the program is but other wise its a really good essay we score 83

Answer 6

85

Answer 7

V-gud Glad to hear you care about our furry friends. 85%

Answer 8

i like it! and i totally agree, that's a better essay than I could have written, and I give it a.........95! by the way i'm in the 8th grade, so i have no idea if my opinion counts, but whatever.
Good Job!

Answer 9

i would rate that as 90... you are talented in writing essays but can you add more paragraphs? i think its short but not too short... and you should also have a clearer conclusion at the end... hope this helps...

Answer 10

They are exploded?

Check your grammar also.