For School I have to write a poem.?

Question

I am writing a poem about the song Christmas Shoes. I am stuck and I really need help on how to make a great poem!

This is what I have so far.
It was Christmas Eve,
I was going last minute shopping,
The line was too long,
To even believe.
This boy had a look of worry,
Pretty soon,
He had to scurry.
All he does,
is care for her,
But now,
Cancer is going to concur.
His Mommas' ill,
This little boy,
Doesn't look too thrilled.
He doesn't have,
Anymore pride and joy.

Now this is what I have,
It was Christmas Eve,
I was going last minute shopping.
The line was too long,
To even believe.
This boy had a look of worry,
Pretty soon,
He had to scurry.
He didn’t have much more time,
For his mother,
Is gonna die.
All he does,
Is care for her,
But now,
Cancer is going to concur.
His Mommas’ ill,
This little boy,
Doesn’t look too thrilled.
He doesn’t have,
Anymore pride and joy.
Her life is coming close to an end,
He doesn’t have enough money to buy the shoes.
The guy behind him,
Agreed to pay his dues.
The boy has a grin on his face,
He is just,
Full of grace.
The guy behind him,
Hopes to adjust,
The true meaning of Christmas,
And makes it a must.

Answer 1

I'm not an expert on poetry or anything but here's what I think. There's a few spots where it just doesn't seem to flow very well. I think because some of the lines are too long for the line you're rhyming with. Does that make any sense? Like the beginning:
It was Christmas Eve
I was going last minute shopping
(that is like 14 syllables)
The lines were too long
To even believe
(and that part is more like 10 syllables)
I think they should be the same, or at least closer to the same. Drop a couple words out of the first bit if you can. Try
'It was Christmas Eve,
Last minute shopping'
(puts it down to 10, like the rhyming line)
I always tap out the syllables for each line when I write poetry. Not that all the lines have to be exactly the same length, but at least the rhyming ones should be close. I think anyway. And read the poem out loud, how it sounds when you say it will probably be different than how it reads.
Like I said, I'm not an expert, I'm just a yahoo on Yahoo!, but I think it's a pretty good poem, and with a couple of changes, it's a great poem.
Good luck!

Answer 2

I liked it up until the line cancer will concur, Either rhyme or not, don't mix the styles.