Why do i end up with bad men, i subconsciously want to be a martyr, to save them, the they end up abusing me?

Question

i end up being the victim and getting hurt when all i want is to be loved. i try to fix and change really screwd up men, they dont change and i end up getting abused in the process. why am i doing this? my dad was a alcoholic? has that anything to do with it? my brother a woman beater and womanizer, he even physically abused me. i want the opposite of my upbringing but all i r un into is terrible, awful men that refuse to love me, and end upo hurting me instead.. is this a life curse. how do i attract the guy i want- a faithful, kind drug free, good man? because thet are all taken?

Answer 1

Seek 1st The kingdom of heaven and all theses things will be added unto you, for you Father in heaven knows you have need of them....But return to your 1st love....Give your desires and hurt to The Lord and leave it with Him, your Father knows best, it's better to be single and content with who you are in Fathers love than married and miserable. Just start saturating yourself in The Word of God, and get out of your needs by positioning yourself in Places where you can be used of God, One thing about The Lord when we focus on Him all our troubles grow dim and suddenly we find ourselves right where we needed to be, and that what we had labored to find before just effortlessly appears, like, supernaturally!!! Thats the result of putting our trust in our 1st love. Remember when no one else shows up Hes always faithful. Get back on the path where blessing rains, where your faith is in The Lord and not in striving to make someone love you. Just start giving out unconditional love and it will come back to you, pressed down,and running over. ...only seek 1st The kingdom!!..OK??

Answer 2

Who knows why you're attracted to this type of guy. It might be your dad, it might not. I used to be the same way as you and my father is not abusive or an alcoholic, nor did I have a bad childhood...so who knows? The key to breaking the cycle is to work on YOU.

You already know that you can't fix someone or change them into a better person. You already know that you want to change this cycle for your own peace of mind.

Leave men alone for a while and start to get to know yourself. Spend some time trying out new things: go to an art museum, take a class, write in a journal, make a new girl friend, volunteer in your community. Start paying attention to your reactions - what makes you happy, learn where your talents lie, when you are most content, etc.

Over time you will begin to feel better about yourself. You'll know what you need and want in a relationship that is supportive and nurturing in a give-and-take kind of way. You'll learn to respect who you are on the inside. You'll start to want more for yourself.

Good luck!! If you need help getting started, you may want to get some guidance from a couselor.

Answer 3

First, love thyself. Take some time off of relationships and use it to figure yourself out. (Some therapy might help, I can't imagine that your self-image is all positive). Figure out how to be happy single, then you can start looking for a guy.

Where are you meeting guys? A guy you meet while doing volunteer work or in a class or at church or at a political rally will be nine times more likely to be a 'quality' man than any you would meet at a bar or club. If you do things that you enjoy doing, you will meet other people who enjoy the same things and some of them will be single guys.

How do you act as they walk over? Are you sending out a whipped dog image? Or one as a doormat? Or do you have your shoulders back with pride and self assurance (abusers are less likely to gravitate towards someone who exudes confidence. Confident nice guys like a woman who exudes confidence)

Your past family history may explain why you stay in these relationships. You may see it as inevitable or even that you deserve to be treated like that. (It's not and you don't). Therapy might help you straighten out your thoughts on that matter.

Don't be the martyr (ever notice that most martyrs are dead?) You can't save anyone but yourself. But it is often easier to try to change others than to face the parts of yourself you need to change. You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved and it is much easier for them to drag you down than it is for you to pull them up.

When you see yourself as a complete and total person without a relationship-, you will find the courage to end relationships that aren't healthy.

I would encourage you to seek some therapy. I think you would find it beneficial.

I hope this helps
Good Luck hun

Answer 4

You first have to really love yourself. You cannot change anybody but yourself. It sounds like you are suffering from low self esteem by wanting to fix others, instead of focusing on fixing and improving yourself! My father was an alcoholic too. I swore I would never put up with that kind of abusive behavior from any man like my mother did. You need to make that promise to yourself and stay away from all those rejects. Tell yourself this when you look into the mirror each morning: "I love you and I respect you".....you will soon change the negative behavior that is attracting these losers!

Answer 5

All the good men aren't taken, we just haven't met any yet. i would suggest that you not date for at least a year. this will give you time to rethink the kind of man you really want. make a list as to what attributes you would like him to have. i know a year seems like a long time, but its not. after the year is gone only accept dates from drug free, alcohol free men. Another thing you can do is not to seek out a man, let him find you.

Answer 6

all the good guys are not taken. yes your upbringing has alot to do with this. Men who want to victimize find a victim. You are a victim. what you need is therapy and to stay away from men completely until you understand what you are putting out there that is attracting these guys. Do not fix and change screwed up men!!! get therapy, love yourself, get hobbies that make you feel worth while, and later find a man who doesnt need someone to fix him -but a partner. you can email me if you want just click on my avatar.

Answer 7

It seems that abuse is rising these days,& it's more & more
like a power struggle between men & women for some crazy
reason. Men who compete with women for power are not
right in their heads in my opinion!!!
It's not hard attracting an abusive person at all,& they look for
the kind hearted souls to latch onto from what I have seen.
If they got with aggressive women who would be their butts
and put some serious hurtin' on em' they wouldn't be the
way they are,but they don't want a strong women in the -
physical sense,no! They want good hearted people who will
at first feel sorry for them when the abuse begins to occur.
Also,abusive guys want to make you commit to them very
fast and they are very jealous. Watch out!!! Everyone has to
these day with violence on the uprise. It's also terrible that you
had to witness & experience abuse in your family,so this did
not help,but it also doen't mean you want abuse,you are more
likely staved for love and abusive guys want to commit really
fast to a relationship so maybe that is part of it,because you
want love so much & are literally starving for it?
Love takes time to grow,& abusive people know you won't
want to be with them if they don't hook you in real fast,so thats
why they rush things with their victims.
Watch out for guys who push & take things too fast!
Maybe love at first sight can happen,but don't move in with
someone in just a few weeks of knowing them,ok?
Be very careful,& remember,you shouldn't be forced to rush
into a serious relationship! Love will happen in time,so don't
rush love before it's time,okay? I hope you will be alright!
Please take care & be very careful,cuz we all have to be in
todays times. I hope you will be safe too!

Answer 8

First off you do not change people, they have to change themselves! You are seeking love from people that do not love themselves and are therfore unable to give love in return. Most of these men you are getting involved with are seeking a free ride, using you in the process. You will find love... you will find it when you least expect it, trust me!
In the meantime... stop letting these type of men to brink you down. You are worth more than allowing someone to mistreat you.

Answer 9

Given the environment in which grew up in and your life experiences, I suspect that low self esteem has a lot to do with it. Try seeking out a therapist to talk out these issues and to square yourself away. If you have no referral, contact a social assistance agency in your community for advice &/or help. Best of luck.

Answer 10

No one's a victim unless they permit it. You just need to educate yourself on what "red flag alerts" to be wary of.

There are loads of good guys out there, you just need to learn to get to know and understand yourself. I agree with what some of the others posted. Take some time off to be by yourself.

Don't be afraid to be alone. You do need some time alone to get to know yourself. Always, it's important to love and respect yourself to be able to attract those who will love and respect you for who you are.

If you don't love yourself, how can anyone else? You're the important person here. :-)