Anyone willing to judge this short story? It's a rough draft. What do you think?

Question

“Eww. Now my shoes are getting all muddy. Come on Shane onto the sidewalk.” My owner Emily says to me during our nice walk to the park.
Shane? Shane? She said my name! Maybe I should go jump on her. Not caring that my paws are all grimy and that I’m a 70 pound golden retriever, I jump onto Emily, nearly knocking her down.
“Ugg! Down boy! Why isn’t that obedience school working?”
Ha! Obedience school, shmedience school, I’m going to get by on my football scholarship.
When we get to the park I start wondering when we are going to play fetch. I walk around her anxiously, not noticing that I just tied her up, begging to play.
She glances at me understandably as she turns around to unwind herself “You chewed up your last Frisbee yesterday.”
Frisbee! Where’s the Frisbee? I’m going to chew that thing to pieces!
She holds up her hands to show she doesn’t have a toy.
Look! That shinny thing in her hand. I’ll slaughter that for you Ma’am!
“Shane, that’s the leash handle!” She screams, unable to let go of the leash incase I might run off to tackle some unsuspecting children.
We get home, and Emily flops down onto the couch.
“You know what Shane? I think I’m going to have to acquire a sudden, severe allergic reaction to dogs. Then we will have to get rid of you. Maybe we can send you to the glue factory. “She muses more to herself then to me.
What is this powerful allergic reaction? I must learn how to harness this great gift and use it against my enemies.

Answer 1

Use less linking verbs, and use more description. Also, check your grammar. I think I found a few mistakes in there. I like it, all in all.

Stay away from present tense, unless writing a poem. Dialog is alright, but make sure there is less dialog than there is actual story.

Answer 2

You have a good imagination. You need to work on staying away from all of that interior monologue. It will turn serious readers off. You also should avoid the present tense. It is much better to use the simple past. It makes the story more direct. Think about a piece of paper like it is a movie screen with characters walking across it. Describe what the characters are doing and give enough details of each character to help the reader mentally see each one. There is no real sense of either character here. Keep trying if you want to be a writer. As with everything, it takes practice and determination.

Answer 3

It was cute! Is that all there is though? You should perhaps add more description.

Where are they? What time of day is it? What is the weather like? How long has Shane been in obedience school? How old is he? Still a puppy? Who is Emily and why did she get a dog in the first place? Was it a present or did she hand pick him?

Answer 4

Good for a short story, previous poster had some good points only if you are planning on making it into a long story. You have a good balance of description without going over board. I also think that story had to be present tense in order for the dog to have his thoughts make sense.

Answer 5

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