Should I stay or should I go?

Question

When I met my husband I was totally in love... after 3 months of dating I became pregnant and my world was turned upside down. We got engaged when I was 5 months pregnant. My parents put so much pressure on us to get married so we got married when our daughter was 5 months old. I struggled for two years with my marriage and just wasn't sure if I really wanted to be in it. 2 years later I became pregnant again and was totally not ready. Now we have two children and I am back to feeling like I'm not sure if I can stay in this relationship. My husband is wonderful to me and our children, but I am not "in love with him". I really do not think I should stay married and don't know if I even can, but I am so afraid to leave for fear that I will regret it later on. I just don't know if I can stay in a marriage for 4 more years with constantly questioning how I feel for him. What should I do???

I guess I should have mentioned that I have been in therapy for 3 years and my therapist has told me just becuase he is wonderful and perfect in many ways doesn't mean he is the perfect one for me.

Answer 1

You totally screwed up. You got married for the wrong reasons. What you should have done was get an abortion and wait until you were sure. 3 months of dating is way too short to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with another person. Now, you have to pay the consequences. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to lead a miserable life for the rest of your life, and hopefully teach your kids not to make the same life altering stupid decisions that you made.

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel. I met my husband when I was 16. Within 4 months we were living together and I was raising his son who was less than 9 months old at the time. By the time his son was 9 months old I was pregnant. I felt like I had to stay with him because of both the boys. We eventually got married 2 years after we had met, and now have 4 boys total. I spend most of my time wondering what real love would have been like, because I know that this isn't it. I love my children, but I know that I should never have had them and that makes me sad. We have been married for 9 years now, and life has never been really good. You can tell there is no love, and we really don't have a lot in common. I know now that I used him as a way out of my life as a teenage because I was unhappy, however all I did was buy myself more unhappiness. I plan on filing for divorce and moving on with my kids and my life in about a year when I graduate from college. Do not stay somewhere that you are not happy because your kids can tell. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids, do not worry what anyone else thinks about it. Good luck.

Answer 3

You need to find counseling. It is not your husband that you are not sure of, it is the fact that you are overwhelmed with the sense of responsibility that came with the first child, and even more overwhelmed with the 2nd child----when women have children they suffer depression in various different ways and in various stages of severity and it seems to me that you are still in it. Ever since you got pregnant was there nothing but pressure: from your parents to get married. Then, shortly after getting married, baby no.1 came and that threw responsibility for another human being onto you. You really had no time to come to your own self when you got pregnant again, and since then are you totally overwhelmed with the sense of responsibility of having 2 children, having to manage all your duties as a wife and mother, etc. Give it a try with counseling before you make any major decision. In addition to that can I tell you that it is very hard nowadays to be a single mother with 2 children. I am a widow and had to raise mine alone, and that is not an easy task---
Lastly, everyone probably tells you to think about the children, so I am not even going into that. However, if you do not have adequate education to work in a good job, chances are that even if he pays child support, you and your children will live in poverty or close to it. So there are a lot of things to consider. Good luck....

Answer 4

Isn't there another man disturbing your toughts? The butterflies story?
I understand exactly what you are describing and i feel sorry for you because i know that when it feels wrong is just does. But you cannot think not only in you this time. You have two kids, little kids, and they need their mom and their dad close. He is a good man and a good father. Probably is time for you to take responsibility. I know is hard, but it is not a matter of you and only you anymore. Try to make your family a real family. Go for it. Work on it. Look for your happiness in the thing you have now and not in the things you lack of.
Anyway, i wish you the best. I am sure you are going trough a very difficult time in your life. And i am sure you are going to take a wise decision. Just remember that the butterflies feeling is just a feeling that comes and goes, but it is not true love. True love is a day a day work.

Answer 5

This is the hardes one I have decided to answer ever.
I understand you totaly. I feel the same way. I ask myself often what I am doing with this guy that I am still with him. Infact, somedays I go angry because he is there I have my mind made up that I don't love him yet don't have the courage to leave him. Also that sometimes I say to myself "yes I love him, I like him aswell cause he is very handsom" like if I am telling myself that I love him you know, trying to convince myself.

We have no kids yet. We have been together for 2 years and yes I also loved him when we started. I guess most women feel like that just they never say or don't pay mind to it.

I can tell you one thing thoug, If you loved him before it is because there is somthing there. You don't have 2 kids for a man just like that. I have'nt had any cause I need to know what i feel.

I must also say that your kids should be priority and if he is the best with his kids that should fill your heart of happines and joy for you to carry on. Also, think of this, that you are not inlove with anyone else so you are not in great trouble. anything your husband has that you don't like, he can change plus that you can always go for counselling and he will do all those romantic things to keep you in love.

I encourage you to try to love him again. Ask for help, spend a little cash in counselling and do fun stuff together. It could be that you are too tied up in family and home and you don't find it pleasant.

I would like that you find God who can lead you to take the right decision and fill your heart from the emptiness that you feel.

Good luck and remember that noone will love your kids like thier dad and knowing they are safe and happy will fill your heart if you pay close attention plus you anit missing out on anything being that you haven't found anyone else.
The security of love and family that your husband is givning you not anyone can offer, keep on the safe side.

You can always email me if you need anything else.

Answer 6

Leave. As hard as it may be, leave. I was in a marriage for 11 years and unhappy for the last 8 years. We are now getting divorced and I have never felt better in my life. It may be difficult on your children but I firmly believe that if they see you both happy and divorced that is far healthier than them seeing you both miserable and married. Don't teach your children that it is ok to settle and not be truly happy.

Answer 7

Comminication is the key. You need to tell your husband the truth. Also you need to think of the children. If you feel like you are just staying together to meet everyone elses needs except your own something is going to happen soon and not for the better. You need to but you and your kids first and be honest with your husband. Commincation is the most importand thing.

Answer 8

You should stay as he loves you and has done nothing wrong to you and the marriage... You need counseling and help to find out why you feel this way and you need to learn how to love him again because you chose to marry him and you vowed before God till death do you part. Stop being selfish and only thinking of just you and think of your marriage and make yourself a better wife and work on it.

Answer 9

I would try marriage counceling. You obviously loved him at one time. He sounds like a decent man, and you just got overwhelmed. It happens, but it doesnt mean you cant make it work.
If it can be salvaged, i would for the children.
If he is a good man, then you may regret it later on. There are very few of them left. Trust me.
Try counceling and see if you can regain and rekindle the love you once had for him before you make any drastic decisions.
Good luck to you.

Answer 10

If there were no children, I would say walk out the door. But there are kids. I think you should see a counselor. They can help you sort it out. In the meantime, put questioning yourself on the back burner and see how you can enjoy your days.