Do I give him an ultimatum?

Question

I have been with my bf for 4 1/2 yrs. We have known each other for 6yrs. We have been living togther for 2yrs and we have a 3yr old. Everthing has been going well until we takled about the M word marriage. He said he had never thought about it until I mentioned it. We had a lot of problems we had to work though and we did. Things between us are better than they were 6 months ago. So..... do I bring the question up again or do i just wait. ........Please let me know what u think

Answer 1

If you are going to bring it up again give it some time before you do. I don't feel giving ultimatums is a good start. Talk and communicate is the better avenue. Find out why. Then think over before you or he makes a bad judgment you both will regret.

Answer 2

If you ask me, I don't believe in ultimatums. It's funny because for ages a woman will give a man an ultimatum but imagine a man giving you one? I know, I wouldn't like it. And, because I was being pressured, the less likely I would agree with it. I'm trying to say you really can't make someone do something they didn't initiate themselves. You guys have been together for so long and with a child. I think you have the perfect recipe for marriage. But, if he's not willing to go through with it, don't push the issue. You'll just push him further away from the subject. I would definitely communicate it to him. Before you do this though, write down the reasons why you want to marry him. Is there more reasons to do it, or not. Maybe after you do this exercise, you may feel that you don't So, don't short change yourself. So once you've done this and figured out you want to marry him. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Make him feel that he can make his own decision. A man wants to be a "man". Remember, they already have a mother. They don't need another one. This is the mistake most women make. We try to tell them what to eat, wear, behave, talk, etc. But, we don't want it done to us. So, since things are better between the two of you, enjoy the time you have with him now. And, always be honest with your feelings without necessarily having him to agree with you. We're all different. No two people are alike. Let him reflect on what you're feeling and he should come around. He'll appreciate it more that you trust him to make the right decision. Believe me, it will work out. : )

Answer 3

It would have been nice had you waited until you were married to bring children into the world. And in your place, you both need some family counseling to figure out what things were not good between you...
And hon, you bet he as thought about marriage, ---even if he has told you differently......many, many times. No guy wants to marry if there are problems... So, in your place, get some counseling to handle any of your problems well..... relationships work best when people communicate well, and solve problems without rage... before resentments build... You said things are better... why aren't they great????

Do you give him an ultimatum??? Like what??? "If we don't get married by June 3, I am outta here!"?

Then you need to decide if you give him the ultimatum, are you indeed prepared to get yourself gone?

Lots to think about, and sure worth the cost of 2 sessions.... Best money you will ever spend... take some paper and a pencil, and go alone if you have to... Good luck, hon

Answer 4

I think you should definitely tell him how you feel about marriage. Before giving an ultimatum, I would read up on the different phases/stages of relationships and discuss them with him. A lot of people get married in the first stage, which is infatuation/lust/hollywood-style love. This is defined as the shortest stage of a relationship and occurs before any real relationship work has to be done. Some people who get married later wonder why they are not as excited as other couples, even though in reality their relationship is closer; they just don't have all the new-couple hormone surges. The later stages in relationships involve much hard work, which is not easy but is very rewarding. Talk about it, and since there is a child involved I would even suggest couple's counselling if you are having trouble communicating.

Answer 5

Wait. Pressuring someone into marriage is not the way to go. Over time he might resent you if things don't go well.
Also don't let him fool you either. He probably has thought about marriage before. He might be scared of the marriage commitment. Yes he is committed to you already, living with you..having a kid with you. But "marriage" is set in stone. No getting out..So maybe he's afraid.
Let him ask you, in his own time. You will be really surprised, and the passion in that moment is awesome. And if he doesn't...you have to decide if you still want to be with him. If you are happy with the relationship. Stay. If marriage is something you have to have and loose the guy you love. You won't be happy.

Answer 6

Figuratively speaking, "why should he buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free?" If he hasn't broached the subject of marriage in the first 2 or 3 years of your relationship, then he is never going to.It's not that he is a "commitment-phobe" because you two have been together a long time and have a child together, but marriage is a legally binding institution that is less easy to get out of if things don't work out they way either of you, especially him, want.

Answer 7

an ultimatum is the quickest way to get rid of any man. you both need to sit down and discuss what it means to both of you. there may be a reason that he shies away from marriage. find out what his long term "plans" are for your relationship if he doesn't like the "M" word. it could be that he has some hesitations that are easily resolved, if not and he is just a commitment"phobe" then you might have to reevaluate your position on the subject. is this a "deal breaker" for you, if it is then you need to explain this to him and why. maybe he'll understand, and if he does don't pressure him too much and maybe he'll come around on his own. is it more important to you to be with him and happy (if you are) or married? good luck!!

Answer 8

Yes. Bring it up. Put it right on the table. If he loves, then marriage is natural. If he can't talk about it, then he is either governed by fear or he is hiding a secret, that even he may not be consciously aware of (denial, etc). Situations like this do not get better by themselves over time, but honesty and truth will solve all problems. In other words, communicate right now.

Answer 9

Never, ever give an ultimatum you are not willing to follow thru on. That applies to you, as a parent also. That being said, what are the advantages for him being married? If he can't see any, then it ain't gonna happen. And besides, why would you want to marry someone who is not going into 100%? Marriage is hard enough even when both people totally want it.

Answer 10

No real sense in wasting anymore of your time not being able to decide on your future here. Give him the ultimatum, but express it as its something you really dreamed about and want since you were little, but guessing is killing you. You want to plan your future and want to know what part hes going to play in it and then some typeof a time frame. If he rejects, stalls, doesnt know, then its probably time to do some realthinking about your future with him concerning fulfilling your dreams. He wont melt or runaway or anything like that if you ask him. Good luck