Am I being unreasonable here?

Question

I got married in August. I had a big job opportunity in Chicago, making great money, so we moved up here from central Indiana. She had to leave school at that time to do so; she has about two years left.

She has now decided that there aren't any schools in Chicago that offer what she wants to take (Marine biology or zoology; she was doing Mass Communications before, but hated it), and because of that she can't be happy here. She is basically saying either we move away from Chicago or she leaves. I travel a lot in my job, I'm gone about four days a week, so she's arguing that she should decide where we live if I'm going to be gone so much.

I could probably convince my job to let me move and switch offices, but A) I like it here; B) I don't think she really knows what she wants anyway, and so she won't be happy anywhere; and C) I do not want to set a precedent of her being able to get what she wants just by threatening to leave.

Am I wrong to refuse her on this?

Answer 1

I think you are both being a little stubborn. When you say that she doesn't know what she wants, it sounds like you're making assumptions about what's best for her. She has clearly stated that she wants to move, and to tell her it's not in her best interests is a little presumptuous.

However, she did agree to move to Chicago with you, so threatening to quit a marriage now is pretty drastic - can't she find a compromise to take classes online, or community classes, or even try a long-distance relationship for a couple semesters? I don't see how she can agree to go to Chicago and then threaten to leave because she doesn't like it.

Personally I'd recommend seeing a couples counselor to try working out a compromise.

Answer 2

YEs and no. You BOTH need to come to a compromise here. If the course she NEEDS is in Chicago, then she shoudl take it, whether she likes the school or not. HOWEVER!! If there aren't ANY classes at any school in Chicago, or the surrouding, then you should move for the sake of your wife. You can always get a job anywhere you want, not just a job you want. If you have children, (i don't think you do) Then YOU as the head of the household, the MAN need to go where the money is the best. Your wife shoudl be at home with the kids and take classes online, or just put it on hold untill the kids are in school.

The options here aren't the ones you want to do, but the ones you have to do for your partners sake. Not always do we get to do something that we want..but always "need" to...

Answer 3

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. You are looking out for the both of you. If this is a great job for you then she should be supporting as well. You have a right to your dreams and aspirations. Why not give it a try for a year? I think she just feels lonely and is having a difficult time adjusting to the move. I think you should talk to her and see what is really going on...perhaps you will need the help of a good friend of hers. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

You are very wrong here I don't understand why you had to move to start with.If you are gone for the week and only home on weekends what is the harm in moving back home.It doesn't bother men as much as it does women to move away from family members.My husband and I are going through the very same thing as the two of you are.He is gone for five days and back on weekends. We are from Maryland and moved to Memphis for three years and now we live in Tampa FL it's OK but it's not home where all my family live.What is wrong with making your wife happy and why do men always think we are trying to tell them what to do .It has nothing to do with that at all .We just want to be around people we love and know and that is what it's about nothing else.It has nothing to do with your pride or wearing the pants or who is right or wrong it's about being happy.Try and put your pride aside and look at it through her eyes,if you can do that she will look at you with respect and love.

Answer 5

Well she made the decision to come to Chicago with you, she should have looked into the different programs before moving here. I think she's being a little selfish to give you that ultimatum. You need to sit down and talk things out, when you're both calm! You're not wrong to refuse her, she should have looked into this more thoroughly.

Answer 6

A) why not agree to half way point? and both drive its not that far from Chicago to central IN......I lived in Bloomington so I know
B) Sit down and talk to her and make sure she knows what she decides on is what she really wants to do since she only had 2 years to go in one subject already....to change again she is going to lose certain hours that won't transfer
C) That is more an attitude on both your parts about "MY" getting what "I" want or "leave" or else....you want your way as mentioned in A) for you stated you didn't want to leave for "I like it here".......no mention "we" liked it here

Answer 7

grow a pair and put your foot down, and what are you going to do move every time she is not happy? And most people today don't go to a college campus, more people today go to college over the Internet, that is how I have worked to attain my masters. almost every campus in America offers on line classes, If you are working and she is in school, then I would think you are supporting the family at this time? and if that is the case your job must come before her school. sounds like there may be more to it than just school, talk to her and try and get her to compromise.

Answer 8

I think women will hate this answer but you are not wrong. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't do anything under a threat of leaving. For example, "Raise your right leg or I'm leaving". Bye bye.

Answer 9

Give a little ------------ Get a little

I do not think that the degree is the problem...........she is lonely

You have your life together you know what you want to do she do not............she feels helpless to the family..........you are the one doing she is confuse

Help her and do a little giving and taking in the process ........
Compromise

She can do online coarses

Answer 10

I think you should pay more attention to YOUR WIFE's needs. You are talking about her as she is a stupid neighbor and you are smart one.

Actually, you sound like a pushing person here and I'm sure you are acting with her like that. And this IS a real problem and this is why she wants to leave you.

If you want to have a happy marriage you must remember about patience, kindness and compromise.
Give her more love, talk to her, listen to her more. Try to understand why she is acting like that. Because I bet, she understands everything like you do, it means something is behind it. You have to be compassion and helping.