What should I do about my EX? She's going to die..........?

Question

Me and my ex were married for 25 years, had three kids together, and a rocky marriage from the start. She met a much younger man, out dancing alone, fell in love with him, and consequently deserted, both me and her kids.Neither of us has remarried, but I find it really difficult to trust anyone, and so therefore I get "close" to a Lady, but never can seem to manage to go any further.
She has recently been diagnosed with liver cancer, and is most likely going to die in 3 years or less. I have never gotten closure from the way our marriage ended, and I'm unable to live my life productively, with all the bitterness and anger I have. I certainly don't want to reconcile my marriage with her, I just want closure so I can move on. I really would love to get past this, marry a nice woman, and live the rest of my life as a good husband......Any advice, or help you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

God Bless You !!!! What a well written letter. I feel so sad for you, your children and now your ex-wife. I really don't know what to say except to shutter and say, there for the grace of God go I.

You need to get some counseling, so that you can talk it through and get some insight from a stranger that is knowledgeable in relationships.

Do you think talking with your ex-wife would help clear or clean up some issues for you ? Are you at peace with issues that could best be settled while she is alive ?? Would she talk with you.?? Are there any feelings of guilt you need to shake free of ?

Perhaps it would help you to speak to a man of the cloth, a minister. My baptist pastor would be my first choice.

I want to wish all concerned the very best life has to offer and to you, I pray you find peace and that with God as your guide your life will fall into place as you describe it. I wish I could see or get an update on this, I'm very interested. God Bless You~~Jill

Answer 2

I think you need to stop comparing the ladies that you get 'close' to with your ex-wife. I don't think that it is fair to them either. You need to put your past behind you if you want to live a good decent life. All the past will do is destroy you, which you are in that position already.

Sorry to hear about your ex-wife leaving you and the kids. I am sure that in the 25 years there had to be some happiness, by bringing kids into this world. Just don't forget you were the strong one to raise them as best as you can. But, just weak in moving ahead with your own life.

The reason why no closure with the way your marriage ended is because you have never ended it. You are still living it, which is why you are so miserable and have not been able to settle down with another woman. You need to stop being so bitter towards your ex-wife. Being bitter is like keeping the 'cancer' and spreading, and keeps on spreading until it tears you a part!

You can get past it, if you just LET it go! There is no reason why you should hang on to the past. You will always remember the past, but you can let it go. There is nothing there anymore. And the only way you can marry a good woman, live the rest of your life as a good husband, is by letting go of the past and move forward to achieve those things. If you don't do that, you will NEVER, ever get there to where you want to be.

You may consider in getting some counseling to help you heal, but do get counseling before getting involved with anyone. You want to make sure you don't have these issues still, while being with someone, and it will not be fair to your new wife to be. I really hope the best for you and for the rest of your life. Once you let go of your past with your ex-wife, there will be closure. (smile)

Answer 3

She is going to die and all you are looking for is closure from a divorce so you can go on? Do you want to help make her last years easier and help care for her so she doesn't have to die alone? I am not saying you have to marry her again, but you do have a past and 3 children together. You must have cared for her to have stayed with her for 25yrs. Then the two of you would have time to talk about a lot of things. Then when the end did finally come there would be closure for both of you.

Answer 4

Closure comes from your heart you must open your heart and forgive yourself and her for all there is to forgive.
Your issues in relationships now are about you not your ex, her being ill and possibly dieing in a few years is sad however she may not have anything for you or anything that will satisfy your needs to heal.
You need to go to therapy and work through the pain of lose, loosing your marriage, your kids mom, and everything else you have lost and perhaps that is where you will find your peace.
Perhaps you need to make amends to your ex in some way that may be a way of letting go and being able to on further and more successfully.

Good Luck

Answer 5

I sure can understand how you are feelilng and why... You should write her a letter and maybe go visit her before she dies just to let her know that you are past the hard feelings and bitterness now and ask her to forgive you for the wrong you did to her and the marriage. Take the kids to see her. You will need counseling and help to get past and heal from all of the anger and bitterness that you are feeling. This will take time ... Once you can start to heal and get past this then over time you may be able to date again and mybe learn to love again over time. I feel that once you contact your ex and have closure for this past marriage and the pain of the divorce this will help you start to heal too!

Answer 6

You are holding on to what was and what that should have led to. It did not turn out that way - Her pending demise ends all chances of living out your fantasy. One cannot forget people we have known, loved and have had intimate time with, let alone have had children with. You must find what you want elsewhere with someone new. You still have children and that does offer you some consolation for what could have been. You need to make what can be for not only you but your children. Your ex-wife is just that "ex". You may want to be her friend but that is probably just a day dream - you need to accept that she turn her back on you and the family - there is no going forward with her. At best go search out medical alternatives and send word to her.

Answer 7

How old are you???? You want closure? Guess what! We don't always get closure. Be a good dad to your kids, and try to be there for your wife. (take the high road) Its what being a man is all about.
I know it hurts my friend, but we don't always get what we want. Just know you did'nt do anything wrong. She left you and will have to deal with that. When you find the right women you will understand. For your own and your kids sake don't be bitter. You got dealt a bad hand. Just play it out and things will work out for you.

Answer 8

Write her a letter in which you forgive her. Say you are sorry that she is so seriously ill. Do not rehash the past. Do not hint that there is a chance of renewing the relationship.
Once you forgive her, it will take the ugly feeling from out of you and you can move on. There are many faithful women and men. You just got unlucky the first time. By the way, do not try to find someone who is very similar to her and hope that she will be faithful. Good luck.

Answer 9

Wow, what a tough situation. When I got divorced I spent lots of time on Marriagebuilder.com that has lots of discussions regarding what you are feeling. I remember reading that it takes one month to get over the relationship for every year you were together. So you are talking at least a couple years. That said 25 years is a long time and it is ok to still care about her just because all you shared. I think there is nothing wrong with chatting with her about your sadness, for her, for your relationship, and perhaps offer a hand if needed. Best of luck to you and her.

Answer 10

Talk to her to tell her how you feel and see if you can get her to listen. You don't want her to pass away and then have regret that you didn't take the chance to try and find closure. You don't have to get back together with her, but you can have a conversation. If you need help in letting go and finding out how to love again, perhaps you might consider talking to a counselor to help you get past it.