a few of my haiku...what do you think?

Question

Stupid mistakes.
Repeated for ever more.
The cycle of life.

Sad poems written.
Chilled to the bone, blood runs rough.
Winter is so cruel.

Mountains far away,
Subtle, yet strong and sturdy.
Unlike what is near.

towering above
what once had protected me
now seemingly dead

Answer 1

My poetry professor said the haiku was the hardest poem to write, and that it comes after one had observed life a long time and with meditation.

Yours are ok...keep on keeping on. Are we ever there?

Answer 2

Haiku are traditionally nature-based poems that reflect the speaker's mindset through the evocative imagery she uses, from how she is choosing to describe the moment. The shortcoming with yours are that they are giving too much. Hold back on the judgments implicit in such lines as "Unlike what is near" and other ones that clearly broadcast the agenda of the images and phrases that came before.

American Haiku, naturally, has taken on its own force and conventions. I'll share my favorite one from Langston Hughes:

Is this small pond the giant lake
in which I swam
as a boy?

I don't know if I have the line breaks right, but it's a fabulous and distinctive American Haiku. The Japanese masters would probably say otherwise...

I would do some research on traditional haiku conventions, themes, and authors. From there, you'll have a better idea how to craft your own.

I think, though, of the four you've posted, the third one down is the closest to becoming a haiku. You begin with the natural and move toward the personal--a technique used in Basho, I think. However, the two lines below the first are a bit heavyhanded, bashing the point home instead of letting us come to it on our own.

Haiku are impressions, brief and vivid impressions. And I feel that yours here are trying too hard to get across your points.

What's good, though, is your working with a certain level of emotional intensity that, once harnessed, can really sing right beneath the surface of the images.

Good luck with the revisions.

Answer 3

"out walking...a dead beetle....brunch for the ants." not quite the correct amount of syllables, but my best effort a while ago. well, you're not yet the equal of basho, but you're definitely coming along very well. never give up!! of the four, my favorite is the third: it evokes in me the background of "the void"--the truth--as compared to the "world of 10,000 things"( unlike what is near), where we dwell--so filled with untruth and trivia and ignorance. if you haven't seen it yet, google: six persimmons an a mazing painting by mu ch'i--a haiku in brush painting form. also, as one person suggested, i think, why not try meditating and/or exercising before composing, they balance out the chi and help with the process. keep up the good work. btw check out http://www.sahajayoga.com you can actually receive some very high quality chi from the site, you'll see, that might be helpful along the path. ;-)

Answer 4

Not too bad, suprisingly. Of course, this is NOT really traditional haiku (nature and spiritual themes basically) and I think you need to study up on good haiku to find what you are missing. You need more definitive words and not the reliance on "the" "of" "what" etc., but a somewhat better beginning than most of what is posted here. However, this is againt Yahoo TOS. This is not a forum for your poetry or other writings.

Answer 5

they sound pretty good(last time i tried writting some, they turned out sounding aweful).