my boyfriend and i lived together and then i got pregnant we decided to get married, now i think we don't have a lot in common and he's hot tempered and physical at times. i don't believe in divorce, but i feel unhappy but i love him and don't want to leave. i don't want to break up our family for our sons sake. we seem to fight a lot and he doesn't help with the baby, i don't know what to do. i feel like i should leave but i don't know if i'm scared that's the wrong thing to do or afraid for our sons sake. i grew up without my father in the picture and that hurts. i want to fix things but he says i'm the only one that needs to change and there's nothing to fix.
2007-02-03 05:19:11 · 21 answers · asked by confused 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
mistakes happen. i know a lot of people who got pregnant before marriage.
try to go to couple's counseling. you have to make a conscious effort to make it work. if not, it will only get worse.
good luck.
2007-02-03 05:23:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok. Hot tempered and physical is a deal breaker. If you want the little one growing up and giving that same attention to your daughter in law then you need to exit stage left.
Your family is already broken and dysfunctional. You are basing a fear from your past and some unresolved emotion of not feeling like you had an intact family on your current situation and that is preventing you from making a rational decision.
Many people in your position who grew up without a father thought that you were really missing out so you did not see the fun or important thing of sharing that time with the one who was there for you.
The ideal situation is the mom and dad in the home with the children (that is a loving home as opposed to a dysfunctional one).
With appropriate counseling, you should be able to come to the right decision for you and your child.
Currently there appears to be great dysfunction.
2007-02-03 13:28:32 · answer #2 · answered by Arene 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No, your first mistake was living with someone before marriage. It is a fact that shacking up before marriage leads to divorce more often than attempting marriage from the start.
There are many reasons. One of the major reasons is that living together is different than being married. For instance, you don't take one another as seriously because you can walk out the door at any time. The person isn't a spouse, they're just a lover. If you're married you're bound to the person and have to take them seriously. The condition affects everything from taking out the trash to squeezing boobies at the strip club.
Another major reason is that ppl who want to be married get married. Ppl that don't want marriage don't. If you live together first its b/c you don't want to get married to the person you live with.
So now you're married to someone that doesn't really want the responsibility of marriage and came to the situation with a mindset that doesn't really take you seriously. Add that to the idea that you were willing to live with him without marriage and he only married you b/c you got pregnant.
He had a situation that was easy and convenient without all the normal responsibilities of a real marriage. Now that you're married he doesn't see that it should be any different, especially since he was just going along with it to keep getting the benefits of living with you. He doesn't see why he should change when this is really want he wanted anyway.
Your task is to convince him that marriage really is different and that marriage is better than what he has with you or could have without you. It will be very hard. You will have to have agreeable solutions to all the problems before you discuss them. The odds are against success.
I suggest showing him how much better his life is with you compared to being single. Basically, he can be a husband or get out and start giving you several hundred dollars a month plus paying more taxes and having a harder time getting laid.
If you divorce him, he'll have to spend a major part of his income and time on child support and visitation. If you don't, he gets laundry and a stocked refrigerator, among other things ;)
2007-02-03 13:43:34 · answer #3 · answered by Nonny D 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it all depends...getting married wasn't a mistake, not getting counseling is...if you really want to work it out, you two have issues to solve...staying in a bad marriage isn't healthy for your child, so don't just stay to stay, but stay and make it work..and if after all the work, it still does not improve, leave. Your son will be happier being raised in a loving environment than in a dysfunctional home.
and honey, you are not hte only one that needs to change, you both do, if he does not understand that, just tell him you'd like him to come along to your session, and maybe he'll open up to that idea...once he's there, the therapist can ambush him with questions!
2007-02-03 13:26:14 · answer #4 · answered by ingrid 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
And so it goes......you think by having an abusive man in the picture your son will be better off with a 'hot tempered and physical' man as his ever so important role model. Fast forward 20 years honey and guess what your baby boy will be doing..... he too will be hot tempered and getting physical with his girlfriend/lover/wife or possibly even you....... like they say, the apple does not fall far from the tree
2007-02-03 13:24:21 · answer #5 · answered by wanninonni 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
So... you dont believe in divorce, but it's okay to put yourself in a position to get pregnant before marrying?! Ok- your morals are REALLY twisted. Yes, it was your first mistake, saying a few words under oath and signing a paper doesnt guarantee that a marraige will last. Obvooisly, you're having doubta already and yuor gut is always right. He probably feels the same way.
2007-02-03 13:28:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
For your son's sake you need to look at what you wrote. Do you want him to grow up in a home with you being verbally and physical abused? He will grow up to think that this is normal and may repeat the domestic abuse with any woman he is involved with. He deserves a home even with only one parent that is at least stable. You may love your husband, but are you prepared for a lifetime misery with your child being witness to it every day? You and your husband need counseling to save your marriage. Your husband could be feeling trapped and is taking this out on you.
2007-02-03 13:27:12 · answer #7 · answered by Sparkles 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hang in there and try to work things out. Divorce should be a last resort. If he doesn't want to work on things with you, you can at least try to make your home a happy place for your son. And make yourself happy. Take up a new hobby or something. Eventually your husband will come around.
2007-02-03 13:23:34 · answer #8 · answered by califrniateach 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There are a lot of marriages that started with the baby first.....and they work.
However the best situation is to get married....get to know each other for a couple of years while ironing out little problems....then start the family.
The children should be bought into a family that is as stable as possible.
2007-02-03 13:23:27 · answer #9 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I would say yes. Statistics have proven that couples who wait until marriages have longer lasting marriages and a much lower divorce rate. It's tough, I know. Why don't you suggest counseling? And don't let him think that you feel it's all his fault. Be willing to see yourself through his eyes, even if you feel you haven't done anything wrong. It may be that you were looking through love-tainted glasses and didn't see him for who he was. God bless and the best of luck!!!!!
2007-02-03 13:26:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋