is it necessary to solve all issues before marrage? can we solve them after the wedding?

Question

after posting numerous amounts of questions about my relationship, I have realized that it is pretty unhealthy, and we have lots of issues to work on before we can take the next step (coming up in 3 months...marriag). We both love each other, but our personalities clash, and I know, i can be one mean ***** when i feel disrespected...to make a long story short...everyone has issues, right? it seems like all the advice i'm getting is to break off the wedding...but i don't want to! and i'm sure, neither does he. we both want to solve the problem...how do we do that? how can i stop being bitchy when i get back home from a God awful job? How can i spend time with him when all I want to do is lock myself in a room alone and de-stress? how can i get him to help more around the house since he is home 4 days a week and has an easy *** job? how can i get him to understand that i don't want to hear him yapping about nonsense when i come home? and if we can't figure it out, how can i break it off

Answer 1

My personal experience is...
Marriage only COMPOUNDS the problems you currently have.
Swallow your pride and get relationship counseling NOW.

Answer 2

I think you should really sit down and find the root of all of your stress. Is it your job and you take it out on your man? Is it your man and you take it out on your job? I see from other questions that you Hate your job.... find another one. We are all B****es when we are pushed to it, no matter who or what pushes it. I'm sure he can be a real d*** when he is pushed as well. I dont think you should 'break off' the marriage, just maybe postpone it until you are Sure. I feel as if this job is more your stress issue. Almost every sentence reflects back to your job or coming home from it. Are you two talking about it? It seems as though there is too much stress to really have very good communication at this time. You can 'destress' all you want to but then you go right back to work, and the circle continues, am I right? I think you know what you need to do, you just gotta figure out how to do it. Talk with your man, get his input and opinion. See if he can help with the house while you search fora new job and make sure he can hold down the fort while you are searching. Afterall he is going to take 'the role' soon, right? Why not start now?

Answer 3

I know it's a cliche, but communication is the key to any long term relationship. Two points to help get things started. Avoid accusations, or blame. Try to be inclusive in your language. Don't say "you leave your dishes in the sink all the time", instead try something like, "We need to find a proper balance for household chores." Secondly, if you simply can't talk about anything without it being an argument, try giving him a letter expressing how you feel and what you want to talk about. Give it to him, and tell him you'll be back in a while, pick a time, then go for a walk. That way he's got a chance to go through the whole thing without immediately arguing about it. And he'll have time to calm down from the parts that he doesn't like. Good luck.

Answer 4

Do what your gut feeling is telling you to do. You don't have to break off the wedding, just push the date back. Married couples always have some issues, they won't necessarily be ok before the wedding. This is what marriage is about, a partnership, you take on the world together. He's nagging you because you're being a b*tch when you come home. Why would he want you to come home? Why would he be nice to you? The ball is in your court, get a different job. Stay with this one until you're hired by another company. It's that simple. You have some growing up to do if you need to relieve stress before you get home. Life isn't worth stressing out about especially the small things.

Answer 5

"I don't want to break off my wedding!" I don't care what you dont't want to do, this is what you are going to HAVE to do.

Why is it that people think marriage will change them? Why do you think that because you spend 10k on a ceremony and have your names on some paper with a stamp on it, that everything will *POOF* be magically better? HA HA, STOP LIVING IN A FAIRYTALE.

As for "making things better" I think you need to switch your roles around in the house. HE is supposed to be the main breadwinner(aka bring home most of the money) and YOU are supposed to take care of the house, and later on, the children.

How is he going to act when you tell him "Hunny, now that we have children, I want to stay at home with the kids and raise them right, so that means you have to go to a job you might not like so we can survive" If he says "f*ck that, i'm not going to give up my life, my freedom ect ect..." The he isn't a man and he isn't going to make the needed sacrfices for you and the family, like a MAN should be doing.

As for you not being a b*tch? My child, that is SOOOO EASY. Just stop being a b*tch. Stop nitpicknig over EVERYTHING he does, stop getting mad when he messes up, and OMG..give him a compliment once in awhile!! yeah, that will make him more affectionate to you and you really won't feel like being a *****.

But if you CAN NOT fix these things in the next month, do not think that for minute, that when you share the same last name, things are going to change. it is not going to happen. So, if you can't resolve your conflicks, move on. I don't care if its not what he wants, or if it will break your heart...Divorce is expesive, divorce is rough on children and Divorce is not pretty. I don't think you want to add another 10K to your debts....(and thats for the cheap ones..btw..)

Answer 6

I'm just a kid but I think if you are fighting before you are married, it will only intensify after wards. From what I have seen and read, marriage takes a lot of work, and with marriage comes more pressures. Things don't naturally resolve themselves just because you are in a committed relationship. More than likely, more issues will come up. I'd try to work it out before you make that big commitment. Good luck.

Answer 7

Marriage in the first 2 years is hard enough without having issues before the marriage even starts.

I would postpone the wedding and deal with these issues first.

It's a lot easier to cancel a cake then to get a divorce.

Answer 8

Did you think to take time off from each other!
I will suggest that you may move the date of the wedding.
Things are not going well as you mentioned.
In your case, marriage is going to be an added task to your busy schedule and you have to organize your time to spend it with the man you love, and enjoy being his wife.

When we are in love, it’s for a reason.
We are in love with the a person who will bring the best out of us, who will share us our thoughts, emotions, pain, ideas and fun.
I think you are a private woman, and you need your own space.
In marriage, you have to give-up some of this privacy. In addition, when kids arrive, your life will change 100%. Then you must change the whole schedule of your routine.
When we are in love, we are somehow involved in our lover’s life.
You are a part of his life and the same goes to him.
You must set and share your feelings with him. Explain to him your frustration.
Communicate and find solutions before getting married.
Do that in an evening when you are not tired or tens.

Think twice about the wedding date, I do not think you are ready.
Good luck

Answer 9

If you cannot work on your issues and problems before marriage what makes you think you will do so after marriage? Do not marry this guy if you cannot do it now. I do not feel that either of you are ready for marriage at all.

Answer 10

yes, it is necessary to solve all problems before marriage and you cannot do it after marriage. Normally, in a marital relationship it is expected that both the persons should adjust to one another's attitude. But when it comes to practically doing it, they end up expecting the other one to adjust to his thought pattern without realizing that he or she is not doing the same. The relationship thus gets strained and ultimately leads to a breaking point. So it is better that we try to solve everything before marriage i.e. before the beginning instead of breaking up after entering the relation. If u cannot solve it now, you can never solve it after marriage.

Answer 11

you should solve the problems before marriage. more will come after and you will have to deal with them. but it is a good sign that you want to fix things, there may still be hope for you guys. just talk to him about how you feel. you need to communicate, now and in the future. so you may as well start now.