i lost my husband last year...why is he all i can think about???

Question

his death has hurt my daughter ....she went from a student ..to almost not passing the grade...all the doctors say it takes time
but in this world no one want to wait for her to get back to speed..
so now she takes extra classes to help....her dad took his own life in front of us ...when will the pain end ???? or will it last a lifetime??? do you think he thought about what would happen to us after ??? and do you think him saying three years before this that he was going to stab himself in the chest was his way of telling us what he planned on doing???what do you think ???? im kinda of stuck here help please if you can??? and please no more DOCTORS

Answer 1

I can't imagine ever getting over that. She and you are going to be struggling for a long time. Not only did he die, but he did it in front of you. I don't know why he chose to do that and may never will. I know you are tired of doctors, but if they can't help you, no one can. This will take indepth counseling for you and your daughter...together. You need to see a psychiatrist...some one who specializes in this instead of basic therapy. And, you won't get instant results...this will take years.

Answer 2

I have never had a tragedy of this magnitude so I really cannot even comprehend what you are both going through. My sympathies to both of you, this is a terrible situation.

You made it very clear that you are sick and tired of doctors. I got that message. Sorry, but what you need is the RIGHT doctor. Some of them are of absolutely zero value in some circumstances. They each have their weak points, some have their strong points.

Unfortunately, the ones that I have seen will treat anyone, no matter what the problem is. Even if the doctor is not skilled in that area, they try it. They also do a terrible job.

I hope that you have already seen a doctor who is a grief councilor. That is where most people would go. Have you tried one who specializes in PTSD? A part of what happened to you could easily cause PTSD.

This may sound stupid, but go to a veterans center and ask them for advice on finding a doctor. Many vets have/had this problem. The chance of it going away on its own is slim. You need professional help. Do NOT be afraid to switch if the one you are going to is not helping. They seldom will admit to their failures. Also, don't be afraid to interview them before even starting.

There was a point in my life where I thought they all were totally worthless. I was judging by the ones that I had contact with. There are good ones out there, you just have to find the right match.

Also, Prozac helps more than you might imagine. It is a little bit of work getting the right dosage. Too much makes you too spacey. Actually, the newer generations of it are supposed to be even better. Tell the doctor that you want to start on a relatively low dosage and go up only if you need to.

Answer 3

When someone asks such a serious question, I check through their older Q & A's.
Something doesn't feel right.
You ask this, yet, a few questions ago, you were asking about finding a good man and if all men are jerks. And, the parts "and do you think him saying three years before this that he was going to stab himself in the chest was his way of telling us what he planned on doing" and "I'm kinda stuck here" seems odd. Surely if you have seen doctors, they would've already helped you with those questions in particular. In spite of the questions, you almost seem dismissive about the entire situation. Seeing your husband die in front of you would be horrible, but I just don't see how anyone could stab themselves in the chest 15 times (from an earlier question that you asked). Of course, in one answer, you said it was your EX who died. Which is it?? If you are indeed sincere, you won't find the answers to your questions here. You do need to deal with professionals to help you, and your daughter, through this, especially since, in an earlier question, you spoke of receiving a voicemail from him AFTER he died...

Best luck to you and take care.

Answer 4

I am so sorry your pain and your daughters pain. I know it is hard but try to stop questioning the whys and if onlys of this. Your husband was sick. He could not act or think reasonably about the consequences of his actions. The consequences for him was an end to his anguish. Unfortunately, his "solution" caused so much more distress for the people he left behind. Especially the ones he chose to witness this unspeakable act. Obviously you have already seen doctors and gotten no relief. Another unfortunate fact is that with or without the help of doctors, it will take time for you and your daughter to feel whole again. Don't pressure yourself or your daughter to function as before. You both are forever changed by this. Hopefully you will both be able to find the strength to create something positive out of this horrible episode. My prayers are with the both of you.

Answer 5

I'm so very sorry for your loss.My wife died about six and a half years ago and she was very young.She was 32 and I was only 25.WE had two daughters who were only 5and3.My wife had cancer.it all happened so quick.She was diagnosed February 5 2000 and went to heaven on July 26 of the same year.it hurts so very badly every single day of my life as I see her in my two children,who are now 12 and 10.I can tell you from a personal experience that it will get better but you have to allow it to get better.It will never go away though,that's the sad reality of it.I'm now 33 and remarried about a year ago and even had a son on the 20 of December,but as I'm sitting here righting this to you I'm crying my eyes out over my loss and more over the loss my children suffered.They can never have there mommy back.I don't really know if this helps you or not but maybe if it does even a little then it'll be worth it.One last thing,DO NOT BE AFRAID TO CRY ABOUT IT,and don't be afraid to discuss it with your daughter.If she wants to discuss it please listen to her.God bless you and your daughter.

Answer 6

When someone takes their own life, it is something within themselves they could not change. It had nothing to do with you or your daughter. It was horrible I am sure to have witnessed and something your daughter didn't need to see. I can only say that time can tell in order to stop thinking about it so much. Its a memory that can never go away, but it will diminish even if it takes 5 years. I know thats a long time, but time can make you heal and you have to have patience in this matter. Doctors and therapists and drugs can help,but its not a solution to the problem. Time my friend. And I am sorry this all happened. And dont try to make sense of it. He, your husband, can only make sense of it.

Answer 7

Suicide is a very selfish act. No, he didn't think about what you and your daughter would go through when he was gone. In his mind,he probably figured the two of you would be better off without him. He was obviously depressed or he wouldn't have done it.
Your daughter will get through this, but it will take time. She has to go through the stages of grief. She will come out of it in the end, because she has a mom who loves her. Just reassure her that you aren't going anywhere and that you love her. Lean on each other now...

Answer 8

I lost my brother last year as well and it hurts just as much today as it did a year ago. I can't really answer the questions regarding your husbands feelings and intentions. I can tell you though that I also have a lot of questions that I would like answers to regarding my brothers death. I think this in part of the grieving process. I have been told that you never get over the death, but you will eventually learn to live with it. Have you tried a support group (no doctors-just a group of people with similar situations). My parents went to a support group and it made them feel like they were not alone. Not sure if you are religious, but church has been a huge help to us as well.

Answer 9

My first love took his life 16 years ago. Every year on the day he died I become overly depressed, more often than not I get completely drunk on that day. Not knowing why he did it makes things even worse. I just had his baby, she was two days old and we planned on getting married two days from this day. The funny thing is, he was the one who wanted to have a child. He said it was the only way my Mum would allow us to be together..... then he shot his self?? wtf? It does get "easier" to deal with, but I still love him, miss him and wonder why....All Of The Time.
And please dont do what I did for so many years and wonder if you could have done something or did you cause this...please, trust me, it'll eat you alive. What he did was selfish but you'll have to forgive him in order for all three of you to move on. Seriously, the pain and the hate is real and can overcome you Dont Let It. Overcome it by dealing with it, dont surpress. Write to him, say how you feel, it may seem crazy but it helped me some. I wish you and your child the best. And remember, it's ok to cry, when ever you feel like it, where ever you are.

Answer 10

Because you are still getting over the pain of losing him. She will need counsling and help to get past this and to start to move on and so will you... Why dont you try going to counseling with your daughter? Wow taking his own life... How painful that must have been and sooo devastating... My first husband took his own life so i can feel your pain. He was very selfish when he took his life he was only thinking and feeling sorry for himself and wanted attenttion and he did not care or think about your lives and what would happen to you because of it. If you need to talk i am here.

http://www.drphil.com

Answer 11

The pain will end when you let go. The man is dead...he choose to die...which was selfish of him. He didn't care about what would happen to you or your daughter after he was gone, he just wanted HIS pain to end.

Your pain and your daughters could last a life time if you let it. You need to think about other things. Move to a different city, get different friends. Force yourself to move on.

Who cares if he was planning on doing it three years ago? There's NOTHING you can do now. Thinking about what you could have done to stop him, just makes you feel worse. There is no TIME MACHINE that you can go back and stop him and why would you want to?

Because you and your daughter loved him? He didn't love you enough to stay alive....think about that.

I may sound harsh but my mom thought about killing herself when I was in 6th grade, but she loved me and my dad so much that she admitted herself into the hospital so she couldn't. She cared what would happen to me and my dad after she was gone if she did that.

Your husband...didn't...