I had a creative writing assignment snd haven't gotten feedback. Detailed critique 10 points?

Question

The Window

Meghan stared out of the window. She sleepily tried to contemplate life. It was all too much. Sleep would not overtake her. Peace could not be made yet. Answers eluded her at that moment. All of this happened for a reason. It would be revealed in God’s time. The vastness of the world struck her. White winter light blared in midafternoon. Charcoal roads whirred past monotonously. Dry beige cornfields multiplied with the miles. Tepid air choked her. Her body unfolded like a switchblade. The back seat hurt her knees. A wheelchair flanked her right side. A duffle bag flanked her left. She felt like a pharaoh entombed among the things of her former life. What would be kept and what discarded? She couldn’t be completely sure. That hideous hospital wheelchair would go. Aidan’s blanket would stay. The droning engine spared all conversation. Meghan was thankful unsure of what to say. She was grateful to her driver. But what else was he?

This is a rough draft of part of it. It has been copyrighted as well.

Answer 1

I agree with other criticisms, you are clearly talented but there are a few problems. As others said, your sentances are too short and you use too many analogies that, as fluid and impressive as they may be, detract from the impact of your piece. Also, your sentances are a little awkward. "Peace could not be made yet" and "Answers eluded her at that moment" only complicate your point, that she can't get to sleep becuase she's thinking too much. You could probably get that point across in one or two sentances rather than five, don't be afraid to use the word "and" and commas to lengthen your sentances and convey your ideas with artistic simplicity

Answer 2

It is very vague. You say a lot of nothing in this short story. Your imagery also could use some work. Try to get more in depth with your character or central focus. Also focus on one thing in particular in your story and build around that. Let the other details enhance your central character or point. Your story has no flow, and seems to end after going nowhere in particular. Who is Meghan? Where is she going and why? Who cares? (No sarcasm intended, I really want to know, who cares? Does Meghan even care?) What is it you want the reader to take away from this story? Is it about Meghan or all that other stuff? Why mention all that other stuff? Your reader should not have more questions than answers if you are painting a picture with words.Your story desperately needs clarity, purpose and a focus! Try again using some of what you have. Don't be discouraged, I can tell by what you have that with more effort, you can do this. Good luck.

Answer 3

it's a very good and descriptive story of ones captivity, but i see one big problem. Your sentences are way too short and you have way to many periods. One thing happens and you place a period. I recommend connecting the sentences so it seems like the story flows better. At the current state, you could make a poem out of this story with all the separations.

Answer 4

You are obviously a very talented writer. While your writing is very detailed and vivid, it is also overwhelming. Too many analogies. If I may use one myself, you know that tripple chocolate cake or that "3 pound" pound cake? While rich and delicious, a little too rich. (But like my cakes, I still think that your writing is excellent!)

Answer 5

Yes, you should link your sentences more and try not to sound "profound" in everything you say, as it can sound pretentious and vague. Whether or not it's good depends on what age you are, but good luck with it!