Is this ADHD, Dyslexic or Laziness or bad behaviour and bad parenting?

Question

Hi there, we consider ourselves to be good parents, who would o anything for our children, we have a 21year old who hounestly had no problems at all growing up, he is polite honest hard working and very well liked. We have an 8 year old who at 4 years i felt something was not quite right, he was socially out of tune very demanding of attention and when he started school the teachers had problems with him so i decided to take him to get assessed. He was diagnosed ADHD with Austic tendencies. Still the school sy its him that decides when he wants to behave and when not too, so after 5 years i am so confused i try to be as firm and give routine and be consistant sometimes it goes the other way but we are only human, i am currently waiting for him to be privately assessed as not getting anywhere on NHS. Is it my parenting thats the problem or is it possibel for a child to be so desruptive socially and in class i dont understand the reasons for him being like this, hes very much loved.

I would like to thank everyone so far that have left answers to my question, i am over welmed by the caring response you have given. I cant thank you all enough.

Answer 1

ADHD and dyslexia DO exist - there is no doubt of that.

But it's amazing how much better mothers are at diagnosing such problems than trained clinicians, especially with regard to their own children.

'Fundamental Attribution Error' goes something like "Your son is naughty, my son has ADHD" or "Your daughter is stupid, mine is dyslexic".

The serious point to this is that those who really need the help for ADHD and dyslexia are less likely to get it because of all the time-wasters looking for an external focus to blame for their child's bad behaviour.

Answer 2

I work in a Special Needs school with children who have ADHD, Autism and an array of other learning difficulties so this isn't uncommon behaviour to me.

What I would personally suggest - if you haven't done already is to find as many sources of information on strategies to try and get your son to behave a little better. He can't always behave well, and you have to remember that he has ADHD, which means that he probably cannot actually control his actions. I don't know how he behaves exactly, though I know through experience that often children have sudden urges to do something and they just do it immediately. Constant praise for the things that children do well, or right are a definate must .

The teachers might be partly right when they say that he can decide when to be good or not, but then you have to think about it from his point of view. if he wants to do something particularly 'naughty' what is there that is going to stop him?

Parents and Teachers need to work really closely together in situations like this. We've used many strategies with our pupils, like if children get pocket money, we have the ability to say 'well, is that 10p off your pocket money if you do..." I don't know if you have reward charts at home, or if they do at school. He just needs some kind of reason to behave well, and to remember that if he should do something he knows he should not that there will be a clear consequence for this. If there is something he loves doing, however little it is, it could have a big impact on him if whenever he doesn't behave he doesn't get to do that thing he enjoys. Even if it is as small as helping you to do some jobs around the house or something. Having a routine is a good thing, and remember not to go back on your word. If he does something wrong, and you take something away from him, even if he's been good later you have to remember what you took away from him, or else he'll just be getting his own way all the time.

I hope that's helpful.

Answer 3

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am assuming that when you say you had your child assessed, you mean you took him to school to be evaluated. If I am incorrect, please let me know.

The only person who can diagnose ADHD or autism is a physician. They are considered to be medical dianosis and many times autism is not diagnosed correctly because is shares many similarities in criteria with ADHD/ADD. A major difference is that children with auitsm will have difficulties with social adaptations. A school psych eval. could suggest that your child 'may' have these disorders, but you have to have a doctor follow up. The school cannot legally provide services until a medical diagnosis is made and certification from the doctor is given to the school. At that point, the MET team can convene and determine how your son's disabilities affect his educational performance and prepare an IEP as needed.

As to the behavior issue, children with autism often do not grasp the concept of cause and effect and have deficiencies in the social area of functioning. They do not always recognize the appropriate thing to do. This is an area that would be addressed in an IEP. Social and academic goals would be developed for your child. There may also be a behavior plan created if your child has behavior issues (not saying that he 'acts out', but choosing not to do something could fall under this area). Again this may not be an area he can control if he does not recognize that what he is doing is not appropriate in a given situation.

Please do not blame yourself for your child's situation. You are obviously a very conscientious parent who is trying to do the best for her son. Take all of the paperwork from the school, written observations from family and teachers to the doctor and seek a medical diagnosis. Observations will help speed the process up a bit. I hope this helps. Hang in there!

Answer 4

I'm a teacher in an SEBD School (Social, Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties) and many of our young men have ADHD or are on the Autistic Spectrum somewhere. A number of them have both of these together or along with other conditions such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and a host of others. My partner has ADHD and dyspraxia plus others and he is one of the nicest people I've ever met so it isn't a life sentence!

Unfortunately, we live in a society where these conditions have still not been fully accepted and not enough is yet known about them so there is an awful lot of prejudice out there. If your son is in a mainstream school then I hate to say it, but he will have a hard time as mainstreams are not equipped for his specialist needs. My other half was very lucky in that his parents were wealthy enough for him to have a private education in an appropriate school, but many others are not in that position. Many of the lads in my school are from appalling social backgrounds which does magnify their behaviour and in many cases there is no parental support so I can see why some people do shout bad behaviour/parenting. You sound to me as if you are trying hard for your son and good for you for doing so.

One of the keys is consistency. Get a good behaviour reward system going and stick to your guns about discipline despite the tantrums!

If he has had a firm diagnosis then perhaps you should try to push for a special school place? I personally feel that mainstreams are not the places for children with these conditions and he could flourish in the right school.

Here's a couple of websites that might help you regarding the behaviour:

add.about.com
www.addiss.co.uk

You really do sound as if you've had enough! I hope things work out for you and your son.

Answer 5

Has the school done a functional behavioral assessment? If they have not you should request one, and if they did and you do not agree with the results then write to the school and request one from an independent evaluator at the schools expesnse. Keep a copy of your letter for your personal records.

If you do not know what an FBA is, I will explain it for you. All behavior serves a function, it gets you what you want, helps you avoid what you don't want, or is propelled by forces outside of the patient's control. With ADD with autistic tendencies, some of the behaviors are influenced by things out of your son's control. However, because he does not seem to show the severity of problems at home he is showing in school, it is reasonable to believe there are variables at school influencing his behavior.

The idea of the FBA is to organize his behavior from the most disturbing to the least bothersome. Analyze his behavior to determine what he his purpose is (getting something or avoiding something) and to come up with POSITVE interventions to get his needs met appropriately.

Example if he is misbehaving only during times when the teacher is not directly teaching, could noise level in the classroom be bothering him? Many autistic children have problems with such.

Be careful when the school presents report. It is usually done by their staff, and they seem to have a set disposition about your son's behavior. It should be a narrative report of EVERTHING going on during random times of observation. You should read it and feel like you are standing there watching the entire room. If you don't, it wasn't done right, ask for an outside evaluator. It should include what your son did well, during those periods of time, also.

When they present it to you, just listen, take the reports and go home. You may even want to ask your son about those days so you can hear his perception of the situation. You are his voice, he may be able to give you information to help you understand, or maybe his doctors will understand how he thinks better.

There are no such thing as "problem children" All behavior has an underlying reason. Also remember, you are the expert on your child. You may not have the technical terms or the degree but you have been in this child's life since day 1. Trust your insticts, don't let anyone telll you differently. My e-mail is [e-mail]. Drop me a line if you need to vent.

I was there once. Good luck to you

Answer 6

It's definitly NOT bad parenting. I'm speaking as an adult with ADHD. Not one of my teachers ever noticed that I had a problem, besides bad behavior and laziness. I wasn't diagnosed until I was a freshman in college, so many of the problems I had in school could have been solved. Sometimes teachers aren't very empathetic to children with ADHD, because there's a stigma attached to ADHD. Many feel that ADHD is a "fake" illness. So, just keep giving your child a good, structured environment, and I doubt that he is "choosing" to act up. There are good and bad days with any illness, and ADHD is no exception.

Answer 7

If your son does have ADHD, then he may need more explicit parenting and social training than what would be fine for most children. Not to say that your parenting causes his bad behavior but by using certain techniques, you may improve your son's chances of having better behaviors. If you can find a clinician offering parent training using materials from Dr. Russell Barkely, this may be very helpful to you. Something you might consider trying is starting a behavior report card system, where his teacher uses a form to report on a certain behavior every day and then sends it home to you. You can then start a postive reinforcement or reward system to help increase your son's good behaviors at school and at home. His teacher, school counselor, and school psychologist should be able to help you set something like this up. If you have trouble getting help from the school, you might want to request a Section 504 evaluation to see if he is eligible for an accommodation plan which would require things like daily parent-teacher communication and a positive reinforcement or reward plan. If he is having significant problems at school due to ADHD, then he should qualify. For more information on Section 504, you can check out www.wrightslaw.com. Good luck and thanks for being a caring parent.

Answer 8

Its not your fault so stop blaming yourself thinking you are a bad parent.ADHD is a terrible thing to suffer from and no matter how many times you tell your son not to do something if he has ADHD he wont give a stuff and will carry on regardless as he wont be able to help himself.When it is all sorted with the doctors they will probably control it with tablets but you say he may have autism as well and depending on what part of the Autistic spectrum he is on it could be difficult to decide if he is Autisic or if he has ADHD.He needs a SEN from school and then a team will be put together to set a plan of action for the future for him.How the teachers can say he chooses when to behave and when to be naughty is beyond me they are not the experts i hope all goes well for you and your son good luck

Answer 9

My 8 yr old boy has severe dyslexia and displays ADHD tendencies too. There is no doubt that these conditions exist - I knew something was wrong when he first started school and rapidly 'fell behind', all the language is negative!. It is absolutely not your parenting, it is a mis firing in the brain - try www.dore.co.uk for more information. On my lowest days I think it's my parenting and that my son is just 'naughty', but it's not, there really is nothing they can do with their impulses (but people can help, the people at Dore really put my mind at rest and I'm hoping to get the funds together to get him privately treated because I know he gets unhappy too and calls himself 'dumb' and 'stupid'). Also, it IS hard coping as a parent sometimes - if you feel like talking feel free to e-mail me. Good luck

Answer 10

You are doing a wonderful job! The fact that you care enough to ask questions and work on routine shows it. It sounds to me like the teachers are very uneducated about ADHD and autism. If they knew and understood then they wouldn't point fingers at you or try to belittle the challenges that your child faces.
I am guessing that your child is high functioning and in a regular classroom. If this is the case, many teachers of regular education are not trained in how to teach learners with special needs. You need to find an advocate for you and your child. If your child is on a 504 plan or an IEP (individualized education plan) then you can request due processing rights. This means that you will have a non biast person come in and help with the situation. If your child is not on a plan, then you can request that your child is placed on one. This will ensure that their are more people helping your child in the learning process.
Your child is not acting out on purpose. He is only doing what seems logical to him in the situations he is placed in. The amount of love you give him matters so much. You are a great parent!