So I just found out my wife of 4 years (2 kids) cheated on me when we were dating. It happened a month before I asked her to marry me. It was a guy from work that I asked her to stop talking to after they "hung out " one night after work.She kept the relationship going into our marriage and lied about it often. She always claimed it was innocent. So here is the hard part. At the time this happened (when we were dating) I was about to break up with her. I just didn't think we were compatible.I just could not bring myself to do it, thinking she would kill herself or something. So I married her, yah, I know. Little did I know at the time she was getting f'd 6 ways to sunday by this dream guy at work. I married the wrong person and now we have kid's. I decided to just try to forgive and move on but it is eating me up inside. I feel so stupid for the position i'm in. She claims (and I believe her) that she has been faithful since we were married. but she kept seeing him. should I leave?
2007-02-02 19:01:07 · 20 answers · asked by sadguy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I never knew anything went on untill 2 months ago. I always just suspected because of her behavior. I feel like everything we have is based on lies and deception. I don't know if there is anything left. I just want to die, if it wasn't for the kids I would be gone the day I found out. What do you do when you are in an unhealthy co dependent relationship and find out the other person didn't need you at all? kinda funny. If I found out 4 years ago I would have dropped her like a bad habit, no problem, adios. now Im just sad and bitter.
2007-02-02 19:31:11 · update #1
If you have any iron-clad evidence, confront her with it.
I would recommend a few sessiions of marriage counseling with a clergyman you know has experience with this sort of thing.
That's for the both of you.
But you have a hard row to hoe ahead of you, as the feelings you hold are eating you up. Bitter? Sure who wouldn't be? I was.
At some point, you will need to make a decision, and it will prove to be most beneficial to have a third party (counselor) helping you both to keep the proper perspectives. I'll be praying for you both. Take care.
2007-02-02 20:33:50 · answer #1 · answered by Jed 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you've been looking for a way out AND it's easy to picture your life without her I think you shouldn't string her along. Something is missing there for BOTH of you regardless of if you were gone for 6 days or 6 months. I think you should have a long talk with her about how you both are feeling and what you want. You should at least do this and try to work on whatever void is clearly there; if that void does not disappear within (let's say 18 months to 2 years) and you still feel the same then I think the answer is clear.
2016-05-23 22:33:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The past is in the past; in other words try to only concentrate on how you both feel today. If you are not in love with each other, then it is in the best interest of the children that you divorce and share 50% custody of them. If you have feelings for each other and think there may be a possibility to start a new relationship, then by all means try to work on your relationship. After all, you do have children together, so you may want to give the relationship a try so if you do decide to leave the marrige at least you can do so feeling like you did give it a fair chance. Good luck to you both, you both deserve to be happy, and so do your children. Just remember it is never a good idea to stay together just for the sake of your children, you must do what is best for the two of you.
2007-02-02 19:22:38 · answer #3 · answered by Cynthia 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you didn't think you were compatible then you shouldn't have married her. And how could you think she would kill herself or something if you knew she was hanging out with this guy? Unless you can find a way to get over it then you won't ever be able to be happy. Then again is this your way of just getting out of the marriage because you've met someone else and you want to justify your actions?? No offense but I've heard these kinds of stories before and more then you know it was because the person just wanted to leave without a guilty conscious so they used something that happen years before to justify their reason to leave.
2007-02-02 19:22:11 · answer #4 · answered by Countrygirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u are just trying to find a reason any reason to leave her, u feel duped, because the only reason u married her was because u felt she would be upset if u left her. now u have kids by her, and have some guilt over leaving. if u don't love her ask her for a divorce, don't bring up something that happened that long ago. u already had reasons before u found this out.
2007-02-03 00:46:31 · answer #5 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First get to a marriage counselor asap both of you! She may have cheated or maybe not, but 4 years is not worth throwing away that quick. She may have had a fling before you were married, but if she was faithful AFTER the vow this it what really counts. She has issues but probably still loves you but you Both have some things to work out. Rebuild your love for her. There had to be some reason you wanted her in the first place!
2007-02-02 19:09:15 · answer #6 · answered by Roll_Tide! 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Don't be sad and bitter about the past. You can't change it. It happened, it's over. It was before you proposed to her.How you found out 2 weeks ago I don't know. If it really bothers you and you really want to know, just get the guy alone and tell him you know they have been intimate before you propesed and your ok with that , but say if you have or are having an affair with your wife and you find out , you will have to kill him and leave it at that!!!
2007-02-03 00:23:39 · answer #7 · answered by dan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well first off you don,t kinda cheat,you are a cheater or not a cheater...Do you know if she had sex with the guy?if she was not sleeping with him and it was innocent all she did was lie because she was fraid you would be mad...at the time you and she were dating and you were in the process of breaking up with her..if you know for sure that she was having sex with this guy then you have a right to get angry,but if you don,t know then you need to drop it...Maybe she has been faithful to you for 4 years...Its like after all this time you are reverting back to the time you were dating and want to divorce her for cheating...maybe you need marriage counseling,but it don,t seem like enough evidence for a divorce...
2007-02-02 20:31:52 · answer #8 · answered by slickcut 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion to you is this...
ONE SIMPLE PRINCIPLE......
"be kind to one another and yourselves".
Talk about this one simple principle with her.
Marriage has ups and downs. Sometimes bad times can last for years. My wife and I hit rock bottom 6 years ago and were at each other for 6 months straight. Now we are closer than ever. Simply by focusing back on the one simple principle.
Try it together for six month. If you can't do this one simple thing, then you aren't doing yourself, your wife or your kids any favour by staying together.
2007-02-02 19:36:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She made a mistake long ago and if she hasn't repeated it during your marriage I say cut her some slack. She has to get rid of the guy altogether though. She can't honestly work on her marriage with him around. If she refuses I say let her go. If she quits hanging with him then she is committed to you and you should try hard to make this work.
2007-02-02 19:08:02 · answer #10 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋