I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant, and separated from my husband. I know he deserves to be there when our child is born, and that to exclude him from that definitely won't help when and if we decide to work things out... but it's such a vulnerable position for me. To boot, I am going through MAJOR depression because of all of this, and I don't know if i will be able to handle having him there. How can I be fair to him and still keep my composure without it affecting my ability to concentrate on the birth? When do i call him? When i first go to the hospital and am told that I am in labor for sure? Or closer to when they say it will be soon? I almost feel like I don't want anyone there, because I don't know how I will act towards this baby when he/she is born, because all of our problems as a couple started during my pregnancy, and I'm still angry(but trying to deal) because of that. What would you do?
2007-02-02 16:37:46 · 24 answers · asked by Cyndi Storm 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
He also felt sick and went to the bathroom right before our first son came out and was crushed that he didn't regain his composure and come back in time. I don't want to do that to him again, but..... I'm hurting so much.
2007-02-02 16:39:02 · update #1
It was always him that wanted to be there, I was unsure if i could do it, because when i say major depression, i mean that at times I have been on the floor crying hysterically, not able to deal, and i don't want that to happen during labor. But i realize he deserves to be there, and either way, I want him to be there, even if it doesn't bring him home, It IS his child too!! Now his cell phone has been turned off by the company, and even when he promises to call later he doesn't. There's a very real chance that although he said he wants to be there, I may not even be able to contact him, and by the time he decides to call me, I will have already given birth. So it is all on him now...
2007-02-10 16:36:54 · update #2
It sounds like you really care a lot about your husband's feelings, and that you actually still love him quite a bit. Otherwise, you probably would not care so much about his feelings if he's not there for the birth.
I think that if you allow him to be present at the birth, and he has a chance to sit there with you in the delivery room, you will find yourself bonding with him again, and quite probably he will bond with you again. In fact, this could repair your marriage!
I suggest you call him a month or so before your due date (if you wait, and the baby comes early, you may miss your chance!) and tell him that despite all the problems in your marriage, you think it only right that he should be there for the birth... if he would like that.
Accept whatever answer he gives. If he says "no", tell him that if he changes his mind, he should call you, and he is welcome, since it's HIS baby, too.
Remember that your marital problems are not the baby's fault. It is not a bad idea to see a psychologist about your feelings. It will make you feel better, and there is NO SHAME in it. It is important to take care of yourself -- for your OWN sake, and not just because you will need to take care of the baby.
I understand that you are nervous about seeing your husband at the birth, but think of it this way: at the end of labor you might have BOTH a beautiful new baby AND a new beginnning for your marriage.
2007-02-04 19:08:51 · answer #1 · answered by Victoria 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My thought is that it's not just your child, it's his also. Regardless of how things are going with you two he deserves to be there. And chances are he wants to. And you never know, it may be that ultra bonding, loving moment after the baby's born that brings you two back together and actually helps things out. I would sit down and discuss it with him. You are still married, the baby's a result of your love, let it come into the world surrounded by the parents that will love and take care of it for the rest of it's life. As for when to call him, I'm sure he would want you to get a hold of him as soon as you went to the hospital. Just incase he needs to be there.
Talk to him. Find out his views on it aswell. And congradulations on the new baby.
2007-02-04 18:59:18 · answer #2 · answered by Dani 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow that is a tough one I went through it and I wasn't planning to call my baby's dad so my sister did call him behind my back and he made it there before the baby was born he was just my boyfriend but a straight out mamas boy that delivery girl made a difference no we are married and expecting our second child and he is no longer a mamas boy but a straight out man that takes care of everything. For him seeing our baby being born worked out all the differences the cheating and many other things ! Let him know when you are in labor it could make a difference in your life!
2007-02-10 12:44:45 · answer #3 · answered by adri012980 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand your pain but it is necessary for your husband to help him bond with the child. This is not something that you can take back later, if he misses this there is no rectifying that. Also, if you suffer from depression you will need someone there for you who knows what you are going through. Is it possible to have him come to the hospital but only come into the delivery room once you are in active labour?
Please do speak with your doctor about the feelings of depression you have been having. Due to your current state you have an increased chance of developing post-partum depression and that can be dangerous to you and the baby. Know that depression is not your fault, you are a good person for realizing what you are going through and you are brave to try and deal with all of it.
Good luck, I know what you are going through and it's not easy.
2007-02-02 16:46:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 1⤋
this is how i see it, he can be there in the room but u dont have to look at him. pretend he isnt there or ask him not to come too near visible to your eyes. Coz when u are in labour, the last thing u need is to add to the stress and strain u are in. Just in case u feel that u need him at a very last minute, at least he is there ready to hold your hand. Regardless of what u decide later on about your relationship with him, thats a different story.
2007-02-07 15:35:05 · answer #5 · answered by Say what? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My fiance left me, when I was 8 weeks preg and I have been severely depressed out it. Even though I know he screwed me over, I feel he should be there for the birth. Its not for me, its for the baby. The baby deserves to have mommy and daddy there, even if mommy and daddy are separated. That's just my view. I am devastated that he does not want to be at the birth... but would welcome him if he wanted to.
I would just let him know the due date, and call him when you go into labor. "I am in labor and going to such and such hospital" that's all that needs to be said.
2007-02-02 16:50:23 · answer #6 · answered by shugarmagnolia420 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This baby took two to make. You get to be there by default. Give him the same opportunity, whether or not you're having a tough time. From a parent's perspective, adults should be able to rise above their own frustrations, for the most part. After all, it is not about you anymore. It is about a child, and that child HAS to come first. I know this sounds a little cold, but I speak from expeience. You might not want to have his missing this as a regret for later years.
Best of luck
2007-02-02 16:48:56 · answer #7 · answered by foghnanross 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
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2016-04-22 07:36:45 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it's your body and everything, but I fee like excluding him would be like excluding your mother-in-law from your wedding; it's her baby too, or in this case, it's his baby too. Have you asked him if he WANTS to be there, especiallly since he didn't handle the first too well (sounds like my honey:))?
Maybe he can be in the waiting room and come in after it's over. Maybe you two can have a bonding moment over this child you created together in an act of love (I know, I sound gushy and stupid, but I really feel bad for you).
I'd say let him know when you know you are in for sure labor and let him know he is welcome to come if he'd like, and if you want him there, let him know. If he doesn't come by the time the baby is born, call and let him know his child has arrived into the world.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you.
2007-02-02 16:53:07 · answer #9 · answered by Margie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are one generous considerate soul.
Yes give him the civil courtesy of inviting him to be present for the baby's birthday.
If he refuses or doesn't show than it will be on his conscience not yours. I think you should present this idea to him 2 weeks prior to going into the hospital then call him again when you actually are admitted. Tell the RNs that he is not allowed to see you until the time is ready for your baby to be born. That is more than fair.
Best wishes.
2007-02-02 17:11:57 · answer #10 · answered by ♨ Wisper ► 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋